In Sports

The (made up) truth about Tiger Woods

I've been reading a lot about Chuck Norris lately on the Web. And some of the claims seem to be, well, a bit far fetched. With that being said, I came across these claims regarding Tiger Woods.

OK, by "came across" I mean "I made up," but you get the point. Are they far fetched? I don't think so. In fact, I would be inclined to believe about 2/3 of these claims ...

The Truth About Tiger Woods

True Fact: Tiger Woods only brings a single sleeve of golf balls to every tournament. And then gives two of them away to fans before the first tee.

True Fact: For fun, Tiger Woods will kill squirrels in his backyard with an old 1-iron and a bag of shag balls.

True Fact: The Navy once told Tiger Woods to stop hitting drivers off the back deck of his yacht, because it was interfering with their training exercises.

True Fact: A Tiger Woods divot has all the nutrition of a medium sized apple.

True Fact: Tiger Woods has a team of maids for his mansion that all look hotter than J. Lo.

True Fact: To get the job, Tiger Woods made Stevie Williams kill a fellow caddy – just to prove his loyalty.

True Fact: Tiger Woods used to play golf left handed, but switched when he was 11, because the game was too easy.

True Fact: Tiger Woods can make Sergio Garcia cry, just by looking at him.

True Fact: Tiger Woods never drives the same Buick twice. He'll usually just leaving it running in a parking lot, and take a limo home.

True Fact: For Tiger Woods, a "small" bucket, is an average sized garbage can. A "large" bucket is the bed of a Toyota Tundra.

True Fact: Tiger Woods can putt as well as scratch golfer, using nothing but his left foot.

True Fact: The driver Nike made for Tiger Woods personal use, comes with two full time security guards.

True Fact: Tiger Woods was once asked out on a double date by Jessica Simpson and Scarlett Johannsen – and turned them down.

True Fact: Tiger Woods has such a perfect grip, he's never had a blister.

True Fact: You know that commercial where Tiger Woods bounces the ball off his wedge through his legs, and then hits it out of mid-air? He was stone drunk when then filmed it.

True Fact: Tiger Woods doesn't need a yardage book. He can just "squint" the correct yardage, within 18 inches of perfect accuracy.

True Fact: Tiger Woods once lost to another kid growing up in California, and got revenge by beating him 693 straight times after that, causing the kid to switch to tennis.

True Fact: Tiger Woods does not give very good clinics. He'll just pick up a club and say: "Here, do this." And then get pissed off within five minutes and just leave.

True Fact: Tiger Woods once beat Vijay Singh in a "loser leaves Orlando" match at their club in Isleworth. Vijay now lives in Jacksonville.

True Fact: Tiger Woods will introduce PGA Tour commissioner Tim Finchem at parties as: "This is my bitch, Timmy Finchem" to complete strangers and not even break a smile.

True Fact: Tiger Woods' steel shafts are so stiff in his irons, that a typical club pro can only hit grounders with them.

True Fact: Tiger Woods likes to buy his own autographed items on EBay, and then show up at the seller's house, and beat the crap out of them.

True Fact: That black Nike hat Tiger started wearing when turned pro? It's the same one he wears now. Tiger Woods does not sweat. Period.

True Fact: Just screwing around one day, Tiger figured out how to hit a "flop putter" shot, but he won't use it in a tournament, because he's afraid it will just "freak everybody out."

True Fact: Tiger Woods can make 100 straight 30-footers one-handed while answering e-mails on his Blackberry.

True Fact: Tiger Woods is getting so bored with winning majors, he's got all the trophies sitting in a box in his garage.

Talkbacks

OMCreader | Aug. 30, 2006 at 2:11 p.m. (report)

Drew said: Czabe, great job on this article. For the rest of you Tiger bashers, have you even thought about what your saying here? Its either be entertained by Tiger or watch Monty duff tee shots like a 10 year old. You choose.

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OMCreader | Aug. 9, 2006 at 10:00 a.m. (report)

Harry said: I can't believe that OnMilwaukee.com actually pays Czaban to write "articles" for them. This guy has made a career of being a "sports guy" but now that he's made it he's begun to sit back, relax and give the minimal amount of effort. I suggest OnMilwaukee get someone who is actually hungry to write for them about sports.

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OMCreader | Aug. 1, 2006 at 2:27 p.m. (report)

Mike V. said: TRUE FACT: Wake me up when this column ends.

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OMCreader | Aug. 1, 2006 at 10:02 a.m. (report)

Scott said: This is blasphemy to the Chuck Norris site... ten times funnier than anything regarding the biggest crybaby golf has ever seen.

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OMCreader | July 31, 2006 at 10:54 a.m. (report)

Sick of Czaban said: Yawn. That about says it all.

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