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Czabe's politically incorrect holiday comparison

(Editor's note: Based on the way this "column" arrived on Tuesday -- as an Excel spreadsheet, full of typos, all in caps and with no formatting, it seems like Czabe fully enjoyed himself this long holiday weekend. Anyway, we cleaned up his ramblings as best as possible and present this comparison between the Fourth and Thanksgiving. We can't guarantee that Steve was sober while writing this -- all we know is that following chart is his opinion and his only.


Item Fourth of july Thanksgiving
Holiday vibe Go ahead, I dare you. Hey! Behave. It's thanksgiving!
Days off 3 day weekend 4 day weekend
Historical celebration Telling Nigel and company: "F off mates… we can make our own tea, and we don’t' want no stinkin king! Broke bread with Tonto to celebrate surviving one stinkin' year in this uncivilized hellhole
Gambling opportunity 3-team WNBA teaser 2 glorious NFL games, both on TV
Sports related activity Whip cream twister Two hand touch football
Table manners Caveman Martha Stewart
Food served Fried chicken, burgers, dogs, BBQ, corn, cole slaw, fries, beans, chips Turkey, gravy, mashed potatoes, green beans, cranberry sauce, stuffing
Alcoholic consumption 16 Schaeffer lights, followed by passing out on a dirty blanket 5 glasses of red wine, followed by nap on the couch
Post-meal entertainment Topless Frisbee with three chicks you just met Listening to great uncle Harold tell stories about LBJ
Best looking chick to look at "Kylie," a 23 year old paralegal who happens to work weekends at the local strip joint to save money for "grad school" Cousin sally, who is a 33 year old accountant that looks like Rene Zellweger in “Bridget Jones'” diary
Chances for getting some Like walking into a women's prison with a fistful of pardons Virtually none
Pants Optional Dockers
Mayhem moment Shooting a roman candle into your buddy Sal's top down 325i convertible The dining room clearing out, when you blast a silent but deadly "onion casserole nose curler"
Best thing that can happen Your car is where you left it in the morning Lions cover 13 point spread with straight up win a 500 two-team moneyline parlay
Worst thing that can happen "Dude ... She was only 16, and her dad says he's going to testify" Your family doesn't speak to each other for 10 years because of one slightly off-center remark

Talkbacks

OMCreader | July 11, 2006 at 1:07 p.m. (report)

Lefty said: I'm with Padraig on this one. D+ work at best. I don't even think Cz deserves extra credit for showing his work. Any of us can be funnier than this effort. But if he wrote it with a hangover I can understand.

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OMCreader | July 10, 2006 at 5:14 p.m. (report)

McGowdog said: Interesting fact about that "cheap" beer. I'm kind of partial to that beer that the place across the pond seems to frequent; "Old Style". As far as the article, I thought it was one of Czabe's better attempts. I was going to rip into Padraig's comment, but I see a few others' already jumped right on it.

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OMCreader | July 7, 2006 at 7:27 p.m. (report)

Jamin (again!) said: All right, I may have jumped to conclusions about Padraig being a political donkey. For that I apologize on bended knee. As far as my point goes, it seems weird that one would care some much about what Czabe has to say on any topic... if you've been to his website or listened to him on the radio, then you know he is a 13 year old child living in a grown man's body. His insight into the sport world is dead on most of the time. When he delves into the "real world" cut him some slack... We are all entitled to our opinions, so please extend Mr. Czaban the freedom to express his opinions, however bizarre they are.

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OMCreader | July 7, 2006 at 3:49 p.m. (report)

Padraig said: First, the positive: good job, omc, on hiring Drew Olson. He's everthing Czaban isn't: a talented writer, knowledgable, a good storyteller, and someone athletes and coaches always respected. Next, just to clarify, Czaban's columns don't offend me. It's just obvious to me that he is putting forth as little effort as possible to collect his omc check. He's a lazy, minimally talented hack. Jamin, your assumptions about my politics and musical tastes are misguided. Don't jump to conclusions.

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OMCreader | July 7, 2006 at 2:20 p.m. (report)

HIGS said: Padraig, Lighten Up! Its called humor. If you would "boycott" anything over a piece like this, I would hate to see you confront a real dilema. You need a "Release", so to speak.

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