In Holiday Guide

Get somebody some gummy gherkins this holiday season! (PHOTO: DicksByMail)

This holiday season, get someone you hate a bag of dicks

Looking for the perfect Christmas gift for that special someone, be it friend, family or significant other? Well, uh, this is not the article for you. The headline and photo probably should've given that away.

However, if you're looking for the ideal present for your boss or that friend who never ever pays for anything when you go out (and ALWAYS orders the most expensive item on the menu) or the person very smugly winning your fantasy football league, may we fondly point you in the direction of this season's must-give item: a bag of dicks.

For the low, low price of $15, the esteemed and very mature folks at Dicks By Mail will send the special douchebag in your life – perhaps that one guy at the gym who refuses to leave you alone? The mechanic who sold you a used car that broke a month later? That assh*le ex? – a parcel of gummy penises. Because what better way to say "Eat a bag of dicks" than with a literal bag of edible dicks?! And if a pouch of peckers isn't quite getting the point across, your tote of todgers also comes with a delicately worded stock message: "Eat a bag of dicks."

And for the total schwanz that's been especially naughty this year, you can customize your order of one-eyed trouser snakes with glitter or confetti that's – you guessed it – also shaped like tiny tallywackers. Or, for $23.99, you can order that special piece of sh*t in your life a spring-loaded dick bomb, exploding dick confetti all over their flabbergasted douchebaggy face.

Best of all, your package of festive phalluses will be sent anonymously, making you a sneaky secretive arbiter of justice – like Batman. But if Batman exclusively sent people bags of multi-colored man bits.

There's just one rule: The gummy peter purchaser and joystick recipient must both be over 18 years old. We don't want to be ruining any childhoods with a sack of schlongs.

Otherwise, with $15, a mailing address and a couple of minutes to fill out an online order form, you're ready to send some holly jolly gummy johnsons to the jagoff in your life who deserves them. They may have started trending two years ago, but I think we can all agree a bag of dicks is exactly the gift 2017 deserves.

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