"Bachelor in Paradise" is coming to a close, but unlike Mike doing cartwheels on the beach, it appears this season is going to stick the landing with the help of a makeshift prom night, some strong troll-ery and a mutant pineapple.
It was a night of big returns on Tuesday's "Bachelor in Paradise": the return of Dean, the return of a John Paul Jones I didn't want to superman punch at all times for being a jerk and, most notably, a return to form for the show after a laborious Labor Day episode.
I should be thrilled that "The Bachelor" is joining the 21st century. But instead I'm here wondering: Do we not have rules on "Bachelor in Paradise" anymore? Seriously, do you just get whoever you want onto the show now and then keep them around?
Ring the bell and bring out Michael Buffer to prepare people for rumbling: It was fight night on "Bachelor in Paradise" Monday night. And all of this over a piĆ±ata.
We've got busted feet, romantic quadrangles, new arrivals, a mystery involving six toes and a visit from both an old and new favorite. So yes, it was a busy night on "Bachelor in Paradise" on Monday.
As it turns out, last night was the unofficial debut of the "Bachelor in Paradise" multi-screen experience, and the drama unfolding on the show featuring Blake was just the start.
Two nights. Four hours. One man. Countless glasses of wine. Zero will to live. That's right: It's season finale time - which means we have to stretch a little bit of drama into a lot of stalling.
It's been far too long, but we saw something new last night: a watchable, decent episode of "The Bachelorette." See what happens when you quarantine Luke in his own little portion of the show instead of letting him infect the whole thing?
This isn't Hannah's season. This is The Luke Show - and it needs to be cancelled a month ago.
It took a few episodes, but we finally got ourselves an old-fashioned bro-off on "The Bachelorette" - and the winner is us, because any episode in which a contestant calls another a "millennial f*ckstick" is clearly a crowning television achievement.
Monday night's episode started with Hannah busting out some white person rapping "skills," and that should've been my first clue we were in for a long evening.
Time to pop open a bottle of rose and pass out roses, because "The Bachelorette" is back. And while Hannah B.'s upcoming season won't likely see the return of fence-jumping, it will see the return of the Bachelorette Fantasy League at SportClub.
I admit I've enjoyed Colton's season of "The Bachelor" far more than expected - but after Monday night's dragged-out and resolution-free finale, I'm starting to regret that I did.
A good mantra to live by when watching "The Bachelor" is: The more excited the show is about something, the less excited you should be. And yet somehow Colton's fence jump turned out to be totally worth it Monday night.
I don't know if this counts as a hot take or anything but here we go: Hometown date week on "The Bachelor" is always a bore. This week was no exception - and also Colton still hasn't jumped the friggin' fence.