If the finale of your dating show ends with the big shiny ring getting returned and Harrison using the phrase "massive destructive forces of lies and betrayal," you'd assume things went pretty wrong. And yet Hannah got a happy ending after all.
Two nights. Four hours. One man. Countless glasses of wine. Zero will to live. That's right: It's season finale time - which means we have to stretch a little bit of drama into a lot of stalling.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, on the Men Tell All special Monday night on "The Bachelorette."
Typically I hate fantasy suite date week - but HOW I COULD I DISLIKE AN EPISODE IN WHICH LUKE GOES HOME!? WOO! *throws confetti, pops champagne, throws more confetti* IT'S LIKE THEY KNEW IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!
It's been far too long, but we saw something new last night: a watchable, decent episode of "The Bachelorette." See what happens when you quarantine Luke in his own little portion of the show instead of letting him infect the whole thing?
This isn't Hannah's season. This is The Luke Show - and it needs to be cancelled a month ago.
Sure, there are some swell dudes remaining on the show, but there's not a lot of TV personalities - and that means not a lot of drama. And therefore, we enter what feels like Week 58 of the Luke P. Drama Show.
Here's how bad last night's episode of "The Bachelorette" was: Luke P. got to stay on the show - and somehow that wasn't the worst part of the episode.
While you ponder a very real, very important question -¬†do you prefer mac 'n' cheese or spaghetti? - let's talk about "The Bachelorette" this week, delivering a night too big for a mere pathetic Monday. And I am not kidding.
It took a few episodes, but we finally got ourselves an old-fashioned bro-off on "The Bachelorette" - and the winner is us, because any episode in which a contestant calls another a "millennial f*ckstick" is clearly a crowning television achievement.
Memorial Day: a solemn date meant for thought, for reflection and for watching a bunch of bros strap electrodes just north of their nether regions and electrocute themselves for love and attention.
Monday night's episode started with Hannah busting out some white person rapping "skills," and that should've been my first clue we were in for a long evening.
Roll film on Roll Tide Hannah, the latest Bachelorette looking for love amongst wannabe Instagram models while I look for relief at the bottom of a wine glass. How'd Hannah's debut go? And how'd the cavalcade of Chads perform?
Time to pop open a bottle of rose and pass out roses, because "The Bachelorette" is back. And while Hannah B.'s upcoming season won't likely see the return of fence-jumping, it will see the return of the Bachelorette Fantasy League at SportClub.
"We haven't really witnessed anything like this before," preached Chris Harrison during Monday's three-hour season finale. But has Harrison watched "The Bachelorette" before? Because nothing new or unique or interesting or dramatic happened.