It all began with such promise. Then three hours passed and concluded with the wrong guy being named "The Bachelor." It was suboptimal.
Bachelor in paradise
Bad news, everyone (but good news for our brain cells): There's only one more episode of "Bachelor in Paradise" left this year. Worse news: The show spent the penultimate episode getting real serious and sad.
"Bachelor in Paradise" is coming to a close, but unlike Mike doing cartwheels on the beach, it appears this season is going to stick the landing with the help of a makeshift prom night, some strong troll-ery and a mutant pineapple.
It was a night of big returns on Tuesday's "Bachelor in Paradise": the return of Dean, the return of a John Paul Jones I didn't want to superman punch at all times for being a jerk and, most notably, a return to form for the show after a laborious Labor Day episode.
A happy Labor Day to everyone out there - including "Bachelor in Paradise," which made like every other American and took the day off. Sure, there was a full episode on Monday night, but it sure didn't feel like a full effort.
Tuesday night's episode of "Bachelor in Paradise" was always going to be a "skip the glass and just glug from the wine jug" kind of night, because of Krystal and Chris's wedding. But then John Paul Jones had to add to the sadness.
After adding so much color to the proceedings from the sidelines, America's favorite nugget-loving, Heath Ledger-impersonating, Shakespeare-memorizing, three-named cast member finally got the spotlight he's very much deserved Monday night.
I should be thrilled that "The Bachelor" is joining the 21st century. But instead I'm here wondering: Do we not have rules on "Bachelor in Paradise" anymore? Seriously, do you just get whoever you want onto the show now and then keep them around?
Ring the bell and bring out Michael Buffer to prepare people for rumbling: It was fight night on "Bachelor in Paradise" Monday night. And all of this over a piñata.
We're no closer to finding out who on the beach has a six-toed foot, but there was plenty of other drama to fill the time on Tuesday's "Bachelor in Paradise" - including a full-on fisticuffs by the end! And somehow Blake isn't the cause of it!
We've got busted feet, romantic quadrangles, new arrivals, a mystery involving six toes and a visit from both an old and new favorite. So yes, it was a busy night on "Bachelor in Paradise" on Monday.
As it turns out, last night was the unofficial debut of the "Bachelor in Paradise" multi-screen experience, and the drama unfolding on the show featuring Blake was just the start.
Did you think "The Bachelor" was done for a bit after Hannah B.'s finale last week? YOU THOUGHT WRONG! There are no breaks. There is no relief. There is no mercy. There is only more "Bachelor" - "Bachelor in Paradise," in this case.
After about one month, eleven episodes, three surviving couples and approximately 124 shots of Colton crying, we've reached the finale of "Bachelor in Paradise." So let's move (with the cheese) right through this recap.
I was looking forward to Monday night's episode of "Bachelor in Paradise" featuring some of my favorite couples falling in love, committing to one another and maybe even flashing some fancy jewelry. I was wrong.