"The Bachelorette" Rose Rundown: The Luke Show continues on - and it sucks
Despite her first sentence-suffocating introduction as the next Bachelorette at the end of Colton's season, I've been in Hannah's corner. While some thought she was too weird, awkward or goofy for the role, I thought those quirks could make her a better, or at the very least more interesting, "Bachelorette" star rather than another interchangeable attractive person whose entire personality was could be summed up as "nice" and "breathes oxygen." (Maybe "likes brunch" too if things got really crazy.) Anecdotally, several people told me they were checking out of this run, but I thought Hannah's season would be worth watching.
And boy, is "The Bachelorette" desperately trying to make me regret that decision.
This isn't Hannah's season. This is The Luke Show – and it needs to be cancelled a month ago. The problem isn't even just that Luke is a sociopathic, narcissistic, gaslighting liar whose pages upon pages of relationship red flags now stack taller than him. (Not hard.) No, the problem is that IT'S BORING. For weeks upon weeks, half of every episode (on a good night) is dedicated to the same dance: Luke says something that makes the rest of the guys upset, so the rest of the bros start peacocking around while one takes the lead to banter at Luke. The conflict eventually reaches Hannah, who wonders, "Why oh why does everyone hate Luke? WHAT COULD BE THE COMMON THREAD?!" while America screams. The guys are confident Hannah will send Luke home, but instead she keeps the little keg of muscles around ONE LAST TIME while America screams some more. There, I've recapped the last month of my life watching this show.
I blame the producers for failing to find or cultivate any other drama on this show and instead lazily relying on one character to carry it all. I blame Hannah for either not standing up for herself and sending Luke packing or being wholly unable to see through his act. I blame the editors and directors for not cutting in any footage of Luke behaving romantic, or just merely personably, with Hannah so the audience could at least have SOME explanation for what she sees in him besides a strong jawline. I blame the guys for taking the most annoying and cocksure approaches to removing him from the show. And most of all, I blame myself for not buying nearly enough wine to get through each week's new episode.
But let's try. This week, we go to the Netherlands where there are fields of tulips everywhere and also Hannah is somehow sick again, talking like she just sucked a sandpaper lozenge. I have nothing to back this up, but I'm very positive this is Luke's fault. Perhaps her vocal chords have quit the show in protest.
She has enough raspy voice, however, to tell Jed Sheeran that he gets the first one-on-one date. What exciting news this would've been if it was two weeks ago! The two walk around the city, sample the treats at a chocolate store, hop on a boat and dance in front of a big music box that amazingly Jed doesn't try to upstage by busting out his acoustic guitar and playing his own tunes. (JED WYATT UNPLUGGED: FIND IT ON SPOTIFY!) The two also chill outside at a nice cafe where they just happen to be sitting next to a friendly old couple that's been together for more than half a century. They pass along some relationship advice and cute love story stuff, but that's not the important part of the conversation. The key part is, when asked where they're from, Jed says they're English. Shocked I have to say this, pal, but INCORRECT ANSWER TRY AGAIN. The odds that Jed misspelled his name on the SATs are four million percent.
Somehow this isn't an automatic disqualifier, however, and the date continues at dinner where Hannah feels herself opening up to Jed and feeling comfortable with him. A shame that none of this cute because we now know Jed came on the show for The Wrong Reasons! Anyways, he gets a rose.
Next up for a one-on-one date is Tyler, who gets to hang around The Hague with Hannah while riding horses. (That's a lot of Hs!) OK, maybe not riding horses and more like sitting on horses who stop and go whenever and wherever they please. They are not controlling the reins FOR THESE HORSES CONTROL THEIR OWN DESTINY – and today, that destiny does not involve any delicious ice cream. Instead it takes them to a pickled herring stand, one of Tyler's nightmares. Oddly specific – but OK. Hannah gulps down a big ol' bite with no problem, while Tyler chokes on himself, gags and spits a whole wad of mushed fish out. Somehow he's still the most attractive man on this show. Even so, Hannah is concerned because she feels like he's committing the "Bachelorette" cardinal sin of Not Opening Up.
Thankfully, at dinner, they settle that by having Tyler talk about his parents and how their rocky relationship closed him off. However, he's improving – and while he's failed a lot in life, all those failures have brought him to Hannah. Well crap, can I date this guy? So yeah, of course he gets a rose, and the two leave making out in a carriage because Tyler is a champion human being.
Meanwhile, back at the brotel, Little Baby Connor is feeling salty because he hasn't received any one-on-one time with Hannah in a very long time – so salty in fact that it renders Mike's confessional shot completely and utterly out of focus. (QUITE THE PROFESSIONAL OUTFIT YOU GOT HERE, HARRISON.) So salty that Little Baby Connor goes rogue and sulks over to Hannah's hotel room to score some bonus time. Instead, he scores a trip back home because Hannah just isn't that into him, and he has a habit of fading out of her mind. Sorry, Little Baby Connor, just drink this loss away – or at least drink it off when you finally turn 21.
While he goes to a Chuck E. Cheese's to feel better for getting dumped, the next solo date gets it suitor: Mike, who goes biking through the city with Hannah and winds up at the doorstep of a funky artist. She guides both of our love birds individually through drawing portraits, but they both still end up drawing the evil girl from "The Ring." If you fail at being an artist, however, be the art instead. So our hip, cool artist lady decides she's going to draw Mike and Hannah like one of her French girls, needing them first to slip into some colorful robes. Fun fact: Mike doesn't seem to know how robes work? Less fun fact: After this date, Mike says something about how he feels like he's spending time with his future wife – and Hannah DOES NOT LIKE IT. It's like Mike verbally farted at her. I'm not great at reading signals ... but that can't be good!
And indeed, it isn't. Mike doesn't even get to sit down to not eat their food on the dinner portion of the date, as Hannah, after gazing at the art scattered throughout a museum and coming to tears about Vermeer – which, I mean, he's great and all, but tears? – sends Mike home. She just doesn't feel up to the level that he does. So, for those keeping score at home, GOOD DECENT HUMAN MIKE WAS SENT HOME SOONER THAN GARBAGE MAN LUKE P. Thanks a lot, Vermeer.
As for a Luke update, he is giddy upon seeing Mike's luggage go home, which grosses out the rest of the guys because, unlike Luke, people like Mike and enjoy his company. But Luke is not here to make friends. Luke is here to be DELICIOUSLY INSULTED by Tyler, who giggles his way through calling Luke a "five-foot-eight villain." I swear to the heavens if Tyler doesn't either win this or become the next Bachelor, we riot. And by riot, I mean just drink more wine.
Before the group date, the other lads make Luke promise he won't do something dumb or undercutting to the guys ... so TAKE A WILD GUESS WHAT HAPPENS! Yep, he immediately spends his alone time with Hannah complaining about how everyone, by name, treats him so mean. "Why won't people be kind to you?" asks an exhausted Hannah for the 473rd time, and GIRL, THIS PUZZLE IS REALLY NOT THAT COMPLICATED. She then summons Garrett, who she seems very disappointed in because he ... behaved civilly toward somebody he didn't like? See, if she didn't like somebody, she would tell them that, but Garrett didn't sit in silence like a jerk while Luke tried to converse with him, so he's a bad person. Or something.
Anyways, the punchline to all of this nonsense is that Garrett and Luke start tossing bologna at each other – because, wait for it, "they're full of bologna." Yes, the Luke drama has devolved into prop comedy. Frankly, I'm more mad because they wasted a perfectly good charcuterie board. Meanwhile, Peter the Pilot gets the first group date rose because he focused on Hannah and talked with her about their relationship, not about petty drama elsewhere. INTRIGUING STRATEGY, PETE! He gets to go back to the brotel and is greeted by an adorably happy Tyler. Not only does he have the best romance on the show, but he has the best bromance too.
This leaves the final rose up between Luke and Garrett ... and obviously Luke is going to stay because we saw him in his red clown suit being happy and cuddly with Hannah in the previews earlier in the night, so siiiiigh. Even more so, however, the reason why Garrett's going home is because he commits the other biggest cardinal sin of "The Bachelorette" besides Not Opening Up: Being Smug And Cocky About Another's Assumed Rejection.
As for their final moves, Garrett tells Hannah he loves her while Luke opens up about his past as a super strong athletic cool guy who drank a lot and had a lot of sex until Jesus came to him and said, "Hey, chill out." It's all kind of doofy, but Hannah is clearly freaking thrilled that Luke is "opening up" – even if he says the phrase "fleshly desires" in the process. Gross, man. The only people who say "fleshly desires" are either priests or serial killers. Or, apparently, people who get to Hometown Dates on "The Bachelorette," because Luke gets the final rose of the episode, causing everyone back at the brotel to really wonder about the girl they're dating and her critical thinking skills. FAIR!
Thankfully, the tease at the end of the episode makes it pretty obvious Luke goes home during the fantasy suite episodes for being a possessive jerk. WHO COULD'VE SEEN THIS TWIST COMING!? But I'd say the odds of him being the contestant who shows up after getting rejected with a wedding ring are all the percentages. So who knows if Hannah picks him in the end. He's somehow made it this far, after all.
But that's not my guess. For me, the winner is either Tyler or Peter the Pilot – but first, Hannah picks Jed but dumps him at the After the Final Rose after she finds out about his secret girlfriend and music career motivations, and chooses one of the other guys. If she picks Peter, Tyler is your new Bachelor. If she picks Tyler, Mike is your first black Bachelor. (I like Peter; he's a great guy, but he's also kind of boring – too much so to be your star.)
But the real winner will be us, the viewers, because we'll finally be done with Luke and this trash basket of a season.
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