"The Bachelorette" Rose Rundown: So ... where did the rest of the episode go?
Here's how bad Monday's episode of "The Bachelorette" was: Luke P. got to stay on the show – and somehow that wasn't the worst part of the night. Credit where credit is due: I have rarely ever been annoyed at this show the way I was frustrated by it on Monday evening. Listen, no one's watching "The Bachelorette" with their full complement of brain synapses working at full power – thanks, wine! – but that's no excuse to insult the audience's intelligence, and waste their time, like last night's final hour did.
But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's start from the beginning, where despite the fact that it's been a short week in between episodes, I had totally forgotten we were in this small Scottish town and not hell. But that's the power of Luke P. However, at least he's going home, right? Hannah didn't give him the rose at the end of their one-on-one date – and unlike what I expected, she didn't hedge her bet by saying, "I can't give you this rose ... BUT you can stay." THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU RUIN A GORGEOUS FIELD OF FLOWERS OVERLOOKING AN OCEAN WITH A BAD DATE. So, our long national nightmare is finally over: Luke P. is gone. He's sent packing, and we seem him walking away in the dark.
And walking ...
And still walking ...
And we're really lingering on him still walking ...
Oh dammit, he's not leaving, is he?
Yes, unfortunately, Luke P's Uber off "The Bachelorette" is parked all the way at the end of 20 miles of driveway, giving this brick wall in a suit plenty of time to think and decide to turn around and NOT go home like Hannah asked and hoped he would respect. Seems like a healthy relationship! So he comes back to her and pulls off some real performative BS that convinces no one watching. He says all the things she basically just told him to say, and when she says she wants him to scream, he takes four steps back because HE JUST WANTS TO YELL SO MUCH BECAUSE OF ALL OF HIS COMPLICATED EMOTIONS! But instead of yelling, he just, I don't know, speaks up a little bit? This guy's the worst – and he comes with ALL the warning signs.
So of course he's not going home – much to the dismay of all the dudes back at the hotel. Instead of Luke P.'s luggage getting taken by some anonymous production assistant and sent back home – or maybe hopefully set on fire – Luke P. shows up, saying that while she didn't give him a rose due to reasons of being the worst one-on-one date she's had on the show, the producers Hannah gives him one more chance to make things right at the cocktail party and rose ceremony.
After Luke P. goes to church to pray for divine intervention to save him, it's time for the cocktail party. Garrett gets the first time with Hannah, and the two have cute flirty chats about how he hadn't worn a kilt before and HOLY CRAP THAT ALL FEELS LIKE THAT HAPPENED 25 YEARS AGO. The Luke P. debacle is really slowing this show down to a crawl – and it's far from over. Garrett, after some really nice time with Hannah, decides to RUIN IT ALL by shifting the topic over to Luke P., asking her if he brought up any of the other guys during their earlier one-on-one date. She says he did – Mike, Devin and Dylan's names were briefly mentioned.
And so the sh*t hits the wall – and I begin pounding my head against my table.
Since Luke P. technically told the fellas that he didn't mention anyone else's name, Garrett's convinced that's caught Luke P. in another lie, so he challenges Luke P. in front of all of the other guys and the two get into a heated argument about who lied about what, and what somebody meant by what, and who's betrayed who. And I began to feel this strange sensation – not related to pounding my head against the wooden counter. No, it was ... feeling ... bad? For Luke P? Like, feeling sympathetic toward the brick wall in a suit with the annoying perpetual Bambi eyes and "Did I do something wrong?" face? And preferring him over the other guys? WHAT IS THIS WORLD?! WHO EVEN AM I ANYMORE!?
But yeah, the guys are annoying, trying to entrap Luke P. in a lie that they're overblowing into some massive mistruth when really it's just some pedantic nonsense that's driving Hannah to drink. So she comes out to the whole group to settle this once and for all, litigating the situation and answering all their questions about what happened on her one-on-one date with Luke P. And all the while during this cocktail party, not one person has answered the most important question: DO YOU PREFER MAC 'N' CHEESE OR SPAGHETTI!?
She eventually leaves, and the guys agree to move on ... after, of course, they bitch and complain about Luke P. and one another for another ten minutes while Hannah drinks in a corner, tired of being on this show and wondering why she got all dressed up and fancy for this fleet of douche canoes. I'm just saying: THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU SEND JOHN PAUL JONES HOME. Chaos reigns when JPJ isn't there to maintain balance and eat chicken nuggets.
Hannah, like everyone watching the show, is fed up with it all, so she takes the above business gulp of rosé and visits the fellas one more time to remind them that she's a grown-ass woman who can make her own decisions. And if they don't like that, well, too damn bad. Also: You've all been very annoying so we're shutting this party down and jumping straight to the rose ceremony. Honestly, send them all home, bring back John Paul Jones and Matt Donald, and start this thing over with just them. Jed and Peter the Pilot can come too. No, not you, Box King. No one invited you, Box King.
Alas, nope; she just performs the rose ceremony per usual. Connor gets a rose. Tyler C., aka Tall Miles Teller, gets a rose. Dustin gets a rose. Basically, if you haven't said anything tonight, you're getting a rose. Maybe a message, HMMM!? By the end, the final carnation comes down to Resting Serial Killer Face, Grant the Unemployed Guy, Devin who I'm perpetually surprised to discover is on the show ... and Luke P. So yeah, Luke P. gets the rose. Of course he gets the rose over these other three mannequins whose names I wouldn't know even if they had name tags on. Grant, however, is taken aback by this and tells the camera that he doesn't know what Hannah sees in Luke P. Maybe she sees, I don't know, A GUY WITH A JOB? Sure, it's probably through Instagram via sponsored posts about whey protein powders and special edition bibles ... but hey, MORE INCOME THAN YOU, DUDE.
Get these guys out of here; I can't believe I'm living in a world where I'm defending Luke P. Please end this ... oh wow, I might just get my wish!
As punishment for all of their poor behavior and annoying in-fighting, Hannah sends all of the guys to Latvia for the next round of dates. (Just kidding, Latvia; I'm sure you're lovely!) Hannah, meanwhile, sits down for a long and tedious "Good Morning America" interview with Chris Harrison to discuss her feelings on how the show's going. Verdict: NOT GREAT! There is a weird nugget of honesty, however, in the middle of their Barbara Walters-esque one-on-one chat when Hannah just admits that the "The Bachelorette" process is just not working right now and that she doesn't understand how it's supposed to. Is she going to give up on the show?
Spoiler alert: No, duh, of course she doesn't give up. But unfortunately the show did.
All of a sudden, we're back at the mansion in California, Harrison's talking to the camera about addressing serious questions (no, he doesn't mean "mac 'n' cheese or spaghetti?") and ... did I drunkenly stumble into a time machine and land at the season finale? Why are we recapping the show like this is "The Bachelorette" halftime highlights show?
That's right: For most of the final hour, "The Bachelorette" just ... stopped being a new episode of "The Bachelorette." Instead, it morphed into a clip show recap that nobody needed – especially when the recap starting flashing back to moments THAT HAPPENED MAYBE A HALF-HOUR AGO IN THE VERY EPISODE WE'VE BEEN WATCHING. Yes, Harrison, I know how we got to this point; I was here, watching the show you apparently stopped making.
Thank god #TheBachelorette is recapping what happened 45 minutes ago. I suffered a concussion from pounding my head into my table after the third hour of dudes fighting about Luke P., so I could use a reminder— Matthew Mueller (@aManAboutFilm) June 18, 2019
Did you forget to record dates in Latvia? Did all of the camera equipment break over there, and you had to ad lib in the editing room a little bit? Did you think the series premiere of that new "Grand Hotel" show was going to be two hours long instead of just one? Did Hannah actually quit the show for a bit? No, that can't be it because that would've been something dramatic and interesting to show the viewers, as opposed to some awful fake interview that Harrison is trying – and utterly failing – to convince the audience is taking place in the midst of her crisis of confidence. Harrison, we know you didn't fly to the mansion in L.A. from Latvia, and then assumably fly back, just to have a fireside chat with Hannah.
No matter the reasoning, it's no excuse for a lethally boring, tedious, utterly useless and intelligence-insulting back end to Monday's episode. Actually, it wasn't completely useless; during the flashback to the talent show competition from earlier this season, I came up with a nickname for everyone's favorite handsome Nashville singer-songwriter contestant: Jed Sheeran. So wasn't a total waste, I guess. But it was definitely a waste, replaying the entire season – INCLUDING THE EPISODE I WAS JUST WATCHING – plus some bloopers because, I don't know, they forgot to edit together the rest of the episode. Maybe Adobe Premiere crashed on them. All I know is that I better not have to watch these clips all over again, for a third time, at the season finale – and that it can't be good if even "Bachelorette" alumni were checking out of the episode.
So we're doing the filler episode thing tonight?? Got it. I'm gonna go water my plastic plants. #thebachelorette— Diggy Moreland (@diggymoreland) June 18, 2019
Oh, and as a nice little turd cherry on this turd sundae of an episode, the sneak peak at the rest of the season basically spoiled when and the exact circumstances of how Luke P. will be going home. So that's nice. Nothing like watching a show that suddenly goes backward – and then gives you no reason to keep moving forward.
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