"The Bachelorette" Rose Rundown: Someone please end our national Luke nightmare
We now enter what feels like Week 58 of the Luke P. Drama Show, and while the guy may have broad shoulders, they weren't made to carry this entire show. Sure, there are some swell dudes remaining on the show, but there's not a lot of TV personalities – and that means not a lot of drama. SOMEBODY ELSE DO SOMETHING INTERESTING SO THE PRODUCERS CAN FINALLY SEND LUKE HOME.
Anyways, welcome to Latvia! After flying out of Latvia to film last week's very important and essential recap of the season so far – spoiler alert: Luke P. annoys everyone; there, I recapped the season – it's time to actually enjoy this new country with Garrett on a solo date. The two wander through the woods of Riga until they JUST HAPPEN TO FIND the two originators of the Wilhelm Scream going bungee jumping out of a cable car ... sans clothing. Nude. Letting it all hang out – literally.
According to Hannah, this is some Latvian tradition, and I got a really nice look at my brain wrinkles after rolling my eyes back into my skull at that information. I assumed this was some "Bachelorette" writer's invention ... but then, after some intense research (aka five seconds spent on a Google search), it turns out that jumping naked into lakes and rivers and bungeeing in the buff is ACTUALLY a fairly regular Latvian practice. You kooky Latvians! Not only that, I found one bungee company that looked suspiciously like the one from tonight's episode that actually gives you your bungee experience for free if you do it naked. Oh, I see. This isn't some romantic test of bravery; this is "The Bachelorette" saving some cash! "The Bachelorette": a worldwide search for love – and SAVINGS!
Garrett and Hannah decide they want in on this lunatic behavior – even though it's snowing out. This does not seem enjoyable, but still, the two hop naked out of the cable car and laugh about it afterwards while apparently they dumped Hannah's bra in the river after they were done. RUDE and also LITTERING.
The date ends with the two talking over dinner about hurdles and challenges in their lives before going on a romantic walk and finding a random cellist on the sidewalk playing music at 11 p.m. at night to an audience of air and crickets. They think it's romantic and begin dancing; I think they just walked into the world's most pretentious horror movie. Latvia: a strange country of naked people dangling from the sky and random orchestra members on every street corner. You do you, Latvia.
Garrett returns to the hotel with a well-earned rose – you jump from a cable car with your man business free and flinging, you get a rose – and quite the story to tell the bros. Luke, however, can not FATHOM that HIS HANNAH would DARE have mildly raunchy fun on a date not involving him. He also clearly can't believe that Garrett's never been on a roller coaster, but that's an issue to settle another day.
Now, it's time for the group date, which is basically just heading to the market, eating and drinking a bunch of free samples, and then heading to the bar to drink more. This is my ideal date. Forget romantic cellists, country concerts and exotic boat rides; give me a date where I'm just plundering a market of its tasty cheeses and moonshine, please. The only bummer part is that Hannah VERY AGGRESSIVELY eats pickles.
Well, that and she decides it's her turn to tell the fellas about her naked bungee jumping adventure with Garrett, a story that clearly no one else on this date is interested in hearing again – especially Luke P., who is GOBSMACKED I TELL YOU. "It's true," he mutters with sad disbelief to the camera, as if he just finally discovered Santa Claus was a lie. He must get answers for this betrayal, while I need answers for WHY YOU'RE STILL HERE, YOU POSSESSIVE CREEPO.
During the evening's festivities, Luke decides to take his concerns to Hannah – that he feels like he got slapped in the face and cheated on, and that he's not sure he feels comfortable introducing her to his family now. My dude, you don't get to go on a show about a woman dating 25 other guys and then be galled that she's dating 25 other guys. Unsurprisingly, after spending his evening harrumphing at Hannah, Luke P. does not get the group date rose. Instead it goes to Tyler, who, rather than spending his time chiding Hannah on her life decisions like she's her dad or pastor, made out with Hannah while a statue glared at them in judgment. Seems like a better use of one's time.
At this point, I don't even blame Luke for his behavior on the show. I mean, I do – and trust me, he sucks. He's annoying and controlling and is waving more red flags than China. But he shouldn't even be on the show any more – and it's all too clear that none of the other guys on the show are giving the producers much drama or excitement to work with, so they're stuck keeping Luke around because he's the only subplot worthy of television. What, they're going to spend two hours on a Monday night talking with Garrett about his golf swing? Learning more about Dustin and his nose ring? Dylan and his ... hold on, there's a guy named Dylan here?
Luke is only still here because no one else is doing their job and making compelling television – so get to work, dudes. Get to fisticuffs-ing so we can send this tiny brick wall of beef home.
After recreating "Gladiator" by running her hand through some grain, Hannah meets up with Peter the Pilot for their one-on-one date, where they find two nice people gifting them flower crowns and inviting our lovebirds to join them in some festivities. OH CRAP, THEY'VE LANDED IN A LATVIAN REMAKE OF "MIDSOMMAR"; RUN! Thankfully, it doesn't turn out to be a horror movie, but instead a glorified spa day called Pirts as the two mix spicy honey sauces for their bodies and then whack each other with bushes – and I am just simply not mature enough for any part of this sentence.
The tradition eventually takes them into a sauna where, after a blessing from their kindly tour guides, the two get to making out. And I mean MAKING OUT. I did not expect sweet unassuming Peter the Pilot to be a human aphrodisiac, but apparently that's what he is as the two dry-hump each other in swimsuits, creating their own steam in the sauna – which I do not believe is a part of the Pirts tradition.
Cue the first hot tub sighting of the season thus far, some more apologizing about how the previous episode went – apology accepted, Peter – the standard "learning to open up" date talk and a fireworks show (that's not a metaphor for more half-naked making out; there's literal fireworks), and you've got yourself a successful date and another guy moving onto the rose ceremony with his flower already in hand.
One guy without a rose, however, is Jed Sheeran, and that makes him sad, so he goes to Hannah's window to play some of his crappy country music. Huh. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you're trying to promote your music career, Jed – and judging by some hot gossip this week from his ex-girlfriend, saying that he was dating her while he was on the show and only there to showcase his music, that seems like that's exactly what's happening! Well, that and the fact that HE SAID THAT'S WHAT HE WAS DOING WEEKS AGO. Anyways, Hannah invites him in, he plays another crappy song for her on the bed and somehow this little micro-date doesn't end with Jed telling Hannah to check out his SoundCloud to hear more. Such restraint, Jed Sheeran.
Meanwhile, this may come as a shock, but Luke is causing problems in the house. I KNOW; WHERE IS MY FAINTING COUCH WHEN I NEED IT!? Garrett's upset that Luke made a big harrumph about their naked bungee jumping, while Luke is ... well, he's doing Luke things: changing his story or opinion within micro-seconds of telling it, making sad eyebrows as if his puppy is being held hostage behind the camera, saying a lot of words without saying anything.
Thankfully, Hannah comes in to break things up and talk with Luke in private. He clearly thinks this one-on-one chat is for positive reasons – and he would be very wrong! Hannah, as it turns out, is exceptionally pissed that Luke's trying to control her choices and that he's behaving like they're married or that he owns her. I think this is supposed to be the feminist "YAS KWEEN" portion of the show, but that's undermined by the fact that the producers keep making Hannah hang onto Luke despite his literal every word and action. And that this is "The Bachelorette."
By the end, she still doesn't axe him right then and there. "Why is this so hard for us?" Hannah laments at the end of their conversation, after Luke's changed his story and found approximately 71 new lies in a five-minute chat. Hmmm, Hannah; have you considered that HE MIGHT SUCK?
The rest of the guys in the house certainly have! They get into another big tiff, highlighted by Tyler calling out Luke on shaming Hannah about revealing her body when that was Luke's whole schtick for the first month of the show. Eventually, this devolves into ... somehow an incredible Public Service Announcement about texting and driving? Somehow we went from "stay in your lane" to a metaphor about safe driving techniques. Stay tuned for next week's episode where the fellas grumble more about Luke and also remind audiences about the importance of using your seatbelts!
Hannah, however, appreciates the accidental PSA less than I did and decides, once again, that she wants to jump straight to the rose ceremony. Is this because she's tired of the dudes arguing? Possibly. Is this because she had big entrance planned involving a gorgeous green ballgown and a sweet old-school car that she didn't want to waste on some stupid cocktail party? Absolutely.
The roses go to exactly who you expect – and that includes Luke, who received the final rose up against Dylan(?) and the guy with the nose ring. I may never have learned his name, but congratulations still to that guy for breaking the glass ceiling for future nose rings on "The Bachelorette." He walked so that future facial piercings could run – and for that, a country owes you its gratitude.
And on that note, I would be VERY grateful if somebody else on this show could discover a personality beyond "handsome and fun to make out with" so the producers can chuck Luke off this show already. It's not even enjoyably bad television at this point. Sure, there are some fun moments because Luke is such a doofy douchebag who steps on every rake laid out in front of him, then sets his own rakes down on the ground and steps on them too – but by this point, it's repetitive, boring, repetitive, tedious and HAVE I MENTIONED REPETITIVE?
Plus, it all makes Hannah seem like a fool for keeping him around since we haven't seen him be attractive, romantic or even just good company in any way in weeks, so we have no idea what she sees in him other than drama for the producers. (OK, and maybe also muscles.)
For somebody who talks about how she's overcome trying to please others and allowing others to control her, and for a show that's promoted the character and image of a strong-willed woman who calls it how she sees it and dances to the beat of her own wacky drum, Hannah sure seems more like a pawn of the show at this point rather than its star. And that bums me out.
It's time to move on, "Bachelorette" writers. Either you do, or viewers will.
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