"The Bachelorette" Rose Rundown: The families steal the show on hometowns
It's been far too long, but we saw something new last night: a watchable, decent and overall pleasant episode of "The Bachelorette." I give some of the credit to everyone's families on Monday night's hometown dates, who were all on the charm offensive. But mostly I assume that it's side effect of Luke P. getting quarantined in his own little 30-minute portion of the episode rather than letting him infect an entire hour as the show's been a fan of doing this season. NOW IMAGINE HOW WATCHABLE IT'LL BE WHEN HE'S COMPLETELY GONE!
We start, though, with Peter the Pilot's hometown date in beautiful Westlake Village, California, where he first takes Hannah for a ride in his futuristic-looking Mercedes – not to mention expensive-looking. Peter is clearly loaded – though I suppose the "being a pilot and owning a plane" thing probably gave that away. Hannah isn't that impressed by the car, however; she's more interested in what he's got inside of it – the center console, to be exact. And in there, she finds a rubber that totally pops Peter's "I'm a cool guy" bubble and turns him into a cutely awkward 16-year-old. Daww. Wait until she finds the body in the trunk! OK, but jokes aside, this is a cute little date, and Peter and Hannah have actual real-world chemistry. Peter: the safe choice (but in a fun way)!
In case his cool car wasn't enough, Peter takes Hannah next for a ride in his plane. Boy, Peter is SUPER rich! But most important, he's super delightful as this ride in the sky is romantic and fun – and I am into it. And then Hannah finds another rubber in the center console of his plane! (OK, no, she doesn't; I don't even know if prop planes have a center console.)
The best is yet to come, though, as Peter the Pilot introduces Hannah to his family – and what an A-grade family, especially his mom who seems really into this whole situation. It's a unique household, as it's half Cuban and half German, but they're all charming as they pull out fun family dinnertime traditions, ask about how their experience has been and cutely dig for as many details as they can about their dates so far. Peter wisely leaves out the part about aggressively dry humping in that Latvian sauna.
Peter's brother Jack eventually takes Hannah aside for what I assumed would be the hometown date's INTENSE DRAMATIC CHAT, but instead everyone's just level-headed, happy and hopeful that she'll pick Peter. Instead of relying on arbitrary fake drama – "I don't trust you, Bachelorette!" "Don't worry; you can trust me." "Well, now I'm convinced; you have my blessing." – it feels like a real first date with the family, with everyone being pleasant, simply wanting to learn more and wishing for the best for the new couple they're meeting. In conclusion, I love this family; feel free to adopt me at any time.
It wasn't all great news for Peter during his hometown, as Peter gets nudged from his family and his own heart about officially proclaiming his love for Hannah. And after a long nice chat and makeout session on the front porch ... he doesn't say it. Oh well, otherwise that seemed like a lovely date for everyone – except for maybe Peter's old girlfriend. YOU DONE MESSED UP, OTHER WOMAN!
Well, the bar's set high for the rest of hometowns – but if anybody could match it, it's Tyler, who keeps with the transportation theme and takes Hannah out on a boat in gorgeous Jupiter, Florida. Much like Peter, Tyler also practices safety – sun safety, that is, as the two lather up on suntan lotion before setting off on the ocean and finding a beachside party to dance into and recreate "Dirty Dancing." I like these Luke-less dates!
Somehow it gets even better when they arrive at Tyler's home, where we meet his sick but recuperating father – the man who inspired him to go on the show and pursue Hannah in the first place. And when the two talk to each other, instead of chatting about typical "Bachelorette" stuff or even chatting about the show at all, they push all that aside and talk about how his father's doing and the state of his health. Again, this sweetly feels like a real family interaction! It's going so well ... I'm starting to get suspicious. Is this maybe a set-up for Tyler as the next "Bachelor"? He sure mentions wanting his father to meet his wife before something bad happens again to his health a lot – and if you think Chris Harrison and company are decent enough people to not exploit that for emotionally manipulative reality show drama, you must be thinking of a different show!
Anyways, the date goes great, and it ends with the two getting hot and heavy right in the driveway in the back of Hannah's Uber ride. I sure hope you guys aren't paying by the minute.
Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end – which means it's time for Luke's hometown date in Gainesville, Georgia, where America's least favorite brick wall in a suit takes Hannah to Sunday school. OH WHAT FUN! There, Luke gives a sermon to his congregation about how he pursued sex and sin in college until God gave him a pep talk in the shower. So just a quick recap: Peter took Hannah on a plane ride, Tyler took Hannah on a boat ride and Luke took Hannah to bible study so he could humblebrag about being a player in college. The choice here is obvious – but then again, it has been for months now and here we are.
Other than that, however, Luke's date goes fine enough – boring, but that's an improvement for him. His family (including his 96-YEAR-OLD GRANDMA! Good going!) seems nice, talking about how it sounds like he's been behaving like a different person on the show and that he's definitely not usually a gaslighting liar. In fact, even they seem perplexed how Luke got this far being such a possessive weirdo. RIGHT!? See, Luke's family gets it.
And that brings us to our final hometown date in lovely Tennessee with the certified not-lovely Jed Sheeran. And get ready for THE TWIST TO END ALL TWISTS, because Jed takes Hannah to a recording studio so he can write some music with her. There is officially no doubt that Jed asked the producers if they could put a link to his SoundCloud page at the bottom of all of his scenes. Anyways, this is going to sound like I made it up, but I watch "The Bachelorette" at a local bar, and when Jed Sheeran and Hannah began singing their crappy love song together, a baby in the room started crying. BABIES DON'T LIE!
At the end of their awful track, Jed Sheeran talks about how his heart feels like there's just something he has to say. IS IT THAT YOU CAME ON THE SHOW EXCLUSIVELY TO FORWARD YOUR CRAPPY MUSIC CAREER AND THAT YOU HAVE A GIRL WAITING FOR YOU BACK HOME?! Nope – actually literally the opposite, as he tells Hannah that he loves her. Gross, and also BOO!
Thankfully, Jed's family doesn't buy any of this either. Indeed, Jed's mom and sister come in like Nashville hot chicken: spicy and salty – even during the prayer before dinner, as the mom very pointed talks about "sticking to your truth." OH SNAP; MOM KNOWS LIES ARE AFOOT! And she's not done throwing shade, as during her one-on-one time with Hannah, she side-eyes just about everything the Bachelorette says.
Oh, you really think you have something special with my son? Suuuuuure, lady dating three other guys at once. And you've only told my son that you feel something special with him? Oh, deeeefinitely. And you think there's potential with him? Well, um, he's certainly ... lived his life. (*sips from the world's largest cup of tea*) This mom is not impressed with this show – and I am here for it. Put her in Demi's spy van from earlier and let her provide commentary and guidance next season.
Jed Sheeran's mom isn't the only one not convinced about Hannah and their relationship, as his sister also takes her turn crapping all over their romance by telling Hannah that he's very focused on his music career and she's not sure there's room for both her and wherever his songwriting days lead in Jed's life. It's almost as if they know something she doesn't about Jed Sheeran's life and motivations!
So now that she's met all the families, it's time to send one of these dudes packing back to them. The first rose ... goes to Peter the Pilot. WOO! The second ... goes to Tyler. DOUBLE WOO! So no matter what happens next, tonight is a victory. No matter who she chooses – Jed or Luke – we're at least tossing out one scrap of trash from the show. No matter who loses, America wins. USA! USA! USA!
Unless ... unless Hannah chickens out and decides, at the literal last second, that she doesn't want to send any of them home. Which (*sigh*) is exactly what happens. After Hannah takes some time for herself to stress out about her final choice and talk with the host about how she doesn't want to cut things off before she's absolutely certain – hey Hannah; welcome to life! – Harrison walks back into the ceremony with an extra rose so neither Jed nor Luke have to go this week. I didn't know that COWARDICE was an option, but apparently it is! DO WE NOT HAVE RULES THIS SEASON, HARRISON!? Anyways, congrats to Hannah for scoring herself a bonus fantasy suite date. Excellent power move on her part.
One thing is definitely confirmed by this week's episode, though: Hannah has a 50/50 chance of not screwing this all up. Considering the past two months of television, I would not bet on those odds.
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