"The Bachelorette" Rose Rundown: Blood, sweat and tears
It's all too fitting that "The Bachelorette" featured a guy who lost a battle against gravity and fell out of bed, because Monday night's episode came back down to earth hard after last week's inspired lunacy – though we did get a 15-minute intermission in order to watch a political dictator-measuring contest that thankfully didn't end in nuclear obliteration. So that's definitely new. Harrison was right; this was the most dramatic season of "The Bachelorette" so far!
Back in "Bachelorette" world, Becca is inviting her besties over for a spa day – with this week's first group date bros providing the back rubs and foot massages. What should be a relaxing day gets tense, however, because Tia is among Becca's BBFs – and her former fling Colton is among the dudes on the group date. And in case that wasn't enough drama, male model Jordan and David the Chicken Man are along for the ride as well.
Unfortunately, the only real tension on the date arises when Becca tries introducing all of the fellas to her friends and she completely forgot the name of a vampire-looking Chad named Jason. Poor Vampire Chad – though props to him for taking it in stride. Otherwise, the date goes by mostly without drama. Tia and Becca take some one-on-one time to talk about the Great Colton Conundrum while the other ladies entertain the fellas and get foot rubs.
Young Bekah from last season manages to squeak in 25 great facial reaction GIFs in approximately two minutes of screen time, Kendall manages to avoid talking about taxidermy to the dudes and the other two ladies probably spent most of the time repeatedly saying that, yes, they were on the last season of "The Bachelor," they swear.
Becca also announces that she's happy she shaved her legs before this spa rubdown; I think it would've been better if she hadn't. Really test the guys' commitment.
After all the ladies get massages and the dudes get their nails did (because "The Bachelorette" is essentially high school for grownups), it's time for the post-date cocktail party. There, Jean Blanc notes they're "all men of integrity and we should keep that up." So he immediately snatches Becca away for one-on-one time with a move that couldn't have been more slick if it was lathered in Crisco. I can't even be mad at him.
Most importantly, though, it gives the dude bros time to chat together and somehow bring up male model Jordan and his Tinder prowess. According to Jordan, he's swiped 4,000 matches on the dating app, which, according to the other fellas' Tinder math, is not only a lot of matches but also a lot of damn time spent on Tinder.
David the Chicken Man sees an opportunity, however, and though he says he's not one to throw people under the bus, he's very much about to throw somebody under a bus, running off to Becca to tell her about Jordan's Tinder tenacity. She's mostly chill about it (the power of a good spa day shouldn't be underestimated) but Jordan is NOT. He has his PROFESSIONALITY to defend, so Jordan and Chicken Man get into a barb-throwing fight. Jordan calls him a bitch; Chicken Man makes fun of Jordan's portfolio of pensive faces. Meanwhile Vampire Chad and Wills sit quietly, watch and barely contain themselves from laughing at it all. It's a hoot.
Anyways, Becca gives the group date rose to Colton, because she feels like she can finally trust that he's there for her and not Tia – and also because she thought he was great as Dylan Maxwell on Netflix's "American Vandal." Meanwhile, Jordan strokes at his beard stubble in deep, devious thought – complete with his nails still all polished and pretty. WE SHOULD'VE NEVER LEFT THIS DATE!
Alas, it's off to a solo date with Chris R. (aka the snitchy Chad from night one in the mansion). Together they tour Capital Records and dutifully namedrop all of its high-profile musician clients, because product placement. Unfortunately none of those big names were able to make it, but we did get Richard Marx, who Chris ... clearly does not know. And Becca might not either; they're talking about him like a relative at the family reunion whose name you've forgotten. "You know this guy? He's so great, especially with that one song! About the stuff?"
Richard has an idea for the couple: The two are going to write love songs to each other. Chris does not look jazzed, which the show blames on his problems with vulnerability and an emotional past wherein he wrote his divorced dad a letter to see him again and his father shot it down. But really, he doesn't want to write a song because, hell, that's a lot of pressure and intense work for a first date with somebody you've known for maybe five hours – all while Richard Marx lords over your writing. I'd feel weird writing a song too – no sad divorced parents story necessary!
If I was Chris, I'd just steal the lyrics to some pop song everyone's long forgotten, like "She's So High" by Tal Bachman. But instead, he and Becca actually write little ditties to one another; they're fine and boring and trite, but hey, I guess Chris is vulnerable now, earning him a rose and the duo a free concert from Marx later on in the night. It's a lot better than the usual nameless acoustic country musician the show found on a street corner.
The real drama is taking place back at the mansion, however, where Jordan V Chicken Man is still playing out. Jordan keeps talking about karma, and apparently Zoolander Jr. not only has the power of Blue Steel but also the power of foreshadowing, because everyone wakes up the next morning to find David bloody and unconscious on the floor.
Don't get too excited, though, because did you see the commercials for this episode of "The Bachelor"? Good, then you saw all the footage and drama this storyline has to offer. No, Jordan didn't pummel him half to death. And no, there isn't a wild puma stalking the halls of the mansion – though that'd definitely be a good idea for the next season of "The Bachelorette." As Harrison explains to Becca – who clearly needed to be reminded who David was – Chicken Man merely fell out of bed and landed on his face because the mansion's bunk beds don't have railings.
Hold the god damn phone: THE BEDS DON'T HAVE RAILINGS! You producers ply these people with gallons upon gallons of booze and then just throw them into bunk beds THAT DON'T HAVE RAILINGS!? How does this not happen more often? How does the rose ceremony not look like every contestant just finished playing in the Stanley Cup, just black eyes, bruised cheeks and missing teeth everywhere? I have real concerns about the safety standards on this set. Wait until OSHA hears about this.
Anyways, though it's disappointing that the real drama of this much ballyhooed bloody incident is limited to a workplace hazard, there was one great moment. In the aftermath, one of the various Chads notes, "I hope he's doing fine," and the camera cuts to another Chad with a hilarious face that screams, "NOPE HE DEAD!" Otherwise, I was promised either a fist fight or a puma mauling, and I got neither. Sad!
That's somehow not the end of the injuries on Monday night's episode, however. That's right: This episode had a damn body count!
Group date number two takes the fellas out to play football. Sweet, adorable Clay is finally in his element. The marvelously accented Lincoln ... is not. Attempting to do a jogging stretch, Lincoln instead looks like he's auditioning for "A Chorus Line." It's almost beautiful in a macabre sort of way. All the while, two women from the Legends Football League, an all-ladies league where apparently clothes are outlawed and the teams have names like the Atlanta Steam and the Los Angeles Temptation, mock and ridicule the bumbling fellas. I say bring back the sassy dodgeball kids from last week – but then again, I'm going to say that every week.
It's eventually game time (complete with Keyshawn Johnson in the broadcast booth) as the Chicago Chads take on the Chattanooga Chads in the name of Becca's heart. It's a close game, but at the very end, Clay summons his finest Greg Jennings impression, puts the team on his back and plows into the end zone for the game-tying touchdown for his team. And unfortunately a tie is how it would stay because during his triumphant touchdown, Clay mangled his wrist, sending him too off to the hospital in an ambulance.
But a busted wrist can't contain Clay's heart, because later on in the date, he returns – much to the chagrin of Chad Blake, who adorably busted out calling Becca his girlfriend during their one-on-one time. TOO BAD, BLAKE! Clay gets the rose because he came back for Becca – and also because he's like the most precious teddy bear of a man. I hope he never leaves.
Oh wait ... he has to leave now.
Unfortunately Clay's career and ability to support his future family depends on his wrist – and according to some off-screen doctor somewhere, he needs surgery now to properly heal. And while Becca is wonderful and great, Clay tearfully has to put his future over their future. It's actually super sad, and I already miss him. I nominate him for "The Bachelor." Actually, no, let's spare him that insanity.
Amazingly, Clay is the only casualty from Monday night's episode as we didn't get to the rose ceremony. And before you say, "But what about Chicken Man?", apparently David will return in time for the cocktail party already in progress – complete with a face so horrific that the previews blurred it out. (Settle down, show; I doubt he became the Phantom of the Opera.) Either way, I'm sure Jordan will handle it with the professionalism we've come to expect.
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