"The Bachelorette" Rose Rundown: Hannah Beast meets the men
Roll film on Roll Tide Hannah, the latest Bachelorette looking for love amongst wannabe Instagram models while I look for relief at the bottom of a wine glass. I missed you, wine glass; we always have such nice talks.
Audiences seemed somewhat down on Hannah B.'s selection all those two months ago. Of course, her shellshocked debut didn't help, unable to string a sentence together and stumbling over the most basic answers as Chris Harrison asked incisive and probing questions like "Are you excited?"
But a lot of her problem was that Colton's season didn't seem to know what to do with her – too nice to be a villain, too goofy to be treated as an actual romantic interest and yet not goofy enough to be tossed aside as merely the comedic relief. I thought, as long as she figured out the speaking bit, she could actually be a fun pick, bringing a silly Southern energy to a typically bland role and maybe mixing things up a bit.
After Monday night, she better because while 30 guys showed up at the mansion, very few personalities did.
Before we get to the cavalcade of Chads, let's reintroduce ourselves to Hannah – and by that, I mean let's rewatch Hannah's awkwardly staged Skype call with Chris Harrison when she seemed surprised to be asked about becoming the Bachelorette (despite a Bachelorette crew filming in her house). She's from Tuscaloosa, Alabama, where you lounge on scenic wood bridges without knowing what to do with your hands and meander through fields to get ... somewhere?
Even though Hannah doesn't know why she was doing any of that, she does know why she's on the show: While beauty pageants were fun, they were never her goal in life. She's also wanted to fall in love – preferably on a pageant-like reality dating show. She's never felt good enough for any of that stuff, but now she's starting to feel more confident; she knows what she wants. And what she wants is to teach ballet to a bunch of little girls who are clearly not paying attention.
Oh, and also the finding love thing. And to help her with that, she's got her best friends, aka ABC's contractually obligated cast members from last season. I'd love to have a cutaway to Hannah's actual best friends, stuck off camera while ABC weirdly pretends nobody on this show lives outside of the bizarre makeshift inbred "Bachelorette" family. Anyways, Hannah's "closest" "friends" are Katie and – OH SWEET HEAVENS, THERE IS A GOD – Demi.
It must be fun to know you're too interesting and entertaining to be the Bachelorette. Anyways, they all sit on a bed and get jazzed for the show.
Speaking of which, let it begin. SUMMON ME CHADS!
First with the intros is Tyler C., a contractor who also occasionally rips his clothes off and Flashdances all over his projects. OSHA will likely have some words with him. More important than his Kevin Bacon impression, however, is that he has a dog. Flashdance Chad can stay. Then there's Peter the pilot. He's no Peter from Madison, but he'll do. Same with Mike from Dallas, who does Very Important Deals over the phone.
And then there's Joe, whose day job is selling boxes and whose night job is desperately wanting to be Grocery Joe so bad it hurts. He forgets, however, that we loved Grocery Joe because he was cutely awkward and didn't seem like he wanted attention. Heck, he barely even seemed to know how "The Bachelorette" worked. This guy, on the other hand? HE WANTS THAT "DANCING WITH THE STARS" LIFE SO BAD. He calls himself "The Box King"; my man, at best you are a box serf. At least he's got something, though, which is more than I can say for a lot of the Chads. I shall call him Delivery Joe.
As for the rest of the intro packages (DON'T SAY ANYTHING, DELIVERY JOE!), there's Matt Donald, a salesman with a farm who grew up in a deaf household. He seems like fan favorite material. Connor J. is a 28-year-old sales manager who's clearly the youngest person at his workplace. I'm sure they all respect him much more now that he dragged a reality show camera crew into their Monday meeting. Otherwise he is a tolerable Chad.
There's there's Luke P., the oversexed result of an unholy matrimony between baseball star Bryce Harper, a "Game of Thrones" cast member and steroids. Or maybe very holy as it turns out, because once when he was doing his best Colton impression and showering all handsome and pecs-like, God spoke to him. And he said, "Put a freaking shirt on." He seems like he'll be a problem and definitely the contestant most likely to punch through a wall.
There's also a guy with blonde fluffy hair that we didn't meet, but I'm annoyed by him already.
So we've met some Chads, but now it's time for Hannah to experience her Chadventure. She insists to Chris Harrison, and also to the camera every five minutes, that it's not going to be perfect. It's "The Bachelorette"; it better not be!
First out of the limo ... is Garrett, a golf Chad from sweet home Alabama just like Hannah. He has a fun "hole-in-one" pun that lands on the green, logistically he lives close to home and he's a Garrett on "The Bachelorette" without racist Instagram memes, so I'm a fan. CALL IT A DAY, SEND THE LIMOS HOME; I'VE PICKED MY WINNER. No? Darn.
Mike comes next, talking about his personal five Cs like he's giving a powerpoint presentation at work. Pass. Jed is a musician from Nashville who somehow DOESN'T show up playing music on an acoustic guitar. HOW DARE YOU. Jed's a LIE. There's Flashdance Chad again, who may or not be related to Sylvester Stallone. We shall see. A guy named Dylan shows up in a white tux that screams less sophistication and more "Would you like to try some hors d'oeuvres?"
Somehow we've had a musician, a dancing contractor and a pro golfer, and none of them have done anything interesting or memorable with their introductions. WHERE ARE MY PEOPLE DRESSED IN ANIMAL COSTUMES!?
Connor S. doesn't arrive dressed as a chicken, but he does trying jumping a fence. Hey Hannah, remember that time you dated a guy who jumped a fence for a completely different woman he loved more? Fun times. Follow-up question: Remember Connor S.? No? OK, moving on. A Chad named Devin shows up in a tan suit and also tries to cash in on Colton nostalgia with a virginity joke that goes over about as well as Connor's attempt to hop a fence.
There's Brian, who's awkward and sweetly anxious and adorably nebbish, and you don't even have to put his information up on screen to know he's a math teacher. Oh, and we meet the fluffy-haired blonde: He's John Paul Jones, who's got the face of Heath Ledger and the name of somebody who tried to assassinate the president.
Unfortunately, he's the last memorable guy for a while as the rest of the arrivals are truly just Chads. Scott may have been in Sugar Ray. Matteo is ... a person. Tyler G.'s face is like an amalgam of every "Bachelor." There's Daron and Thomas and Matthew – and they're bringing nothing to the table. Hannah better cull these nobodies down fast.
Joe arrives in – what else – a box, exploding out of his packaging with a pun that wasn't even a pun. So disappointing, Delivery Joe. Plus he leaves a whole mess of packing peanuts in the driveway for some poor ABC intern to pick up. Not Grocery Joe sucks – but not as much as the rest of the Chads blandly arriving with nothing to do. Dustin's a guy.
Luke S. is a Nick Viall-looking guy. Kevin's a guy who fumbles a bunch of footballs that the poor ABC intern will have to gather after she's done with the packing peanuts. Give credit where credit's due: At least Grant made an impression. Sure, it was because he was eating a hot dog with mustard with his mouth open like a freaking cro magnon man ... but dammit, it's something.
Instead of eating food, Jonathan smartly arrives delivering it to Hannah, offering her a slice of pizza at their greeting. That man's a genius – wait, is that pineapple on that pizza? SEND HIM HOME! And while you're at it, please send Cam home before the audience has to endure any more of his white boy rapping. I never thought I'd pray for Macklemore to show up to make something less painfully white.
Luke P. shows up roaring on the car, and frankly I'm concerned. Matt Donald pulls up in a tractor, singing Old McDonald remixed exactly how you expect. I love that I hate it; he's definitely going to win. However, why pick a guy with a tractor when you can pick a guy with an airplane?! Not one but two Chads offer that, Peter and Chasen. Dueling pilots? DOGFIGHT IN THE SKY FOR HANNAH'S HEART, YOU COWARDS!
And ... that's it! If you remember any of these guys' names or anything about them, congratulations, you've done better than me.
After a quick prayer/pep talk to herself about how she deserves this and that she's smart, Hannah goes in and gives a toast to the newly assembled Chads, saying once again that she doesn't want perfect. She wants real – and what could be more real than reality television?!
Surprising literally no one, Buff Bible-Thumping Bryce Harper steals Hannah away first for one-on-one cocktail party time. I TOLD YOU HE WOULD BE A PROBLEM! After that brick wall in a suit jacket is done, the rest of the guys do their best to make the impressions they didn't make on the way into the mansion. Connor J. throws her a Bachelorette party – which is to say that poor ABC intern set up this whole ordeal and now, thanks to some weird game called Junk in the Truck, has to pick up a whole gaggle of ping-pong balls. I hope she's getting more than college credit for this.
Even worse, the first kiss of this entire season goes to ... MACKLELESS?! White Boy Cam?! Dammit Hannah, you've almost certainly been infected with awful beats. Someone get this woman 50ccs of Kendrick Lamar – STAT!
Jed finally gets around to strumming a guitar and doing a John Mayer impression ... but who cares about that when a mysterious white van has arrived at the mansion, driven by Demi and Katie? Are these two gonna kidnap a guy? (PLEASE MAKE IT JOHN PAUL JONES! KIDNAP AWAYYY!) No, instead they're going CIA on "The Bachelorette," spying on the contestants from their very incognito white van.
I am very pro-Demi just hanging out, watching the show, judging Chads and providing commentary – but as it turns out, Demi actually has a mission. She got a hot scoop that one of the Chads in the mansion has a girlfriend and therefore ISN'T THERE FOR THE RIGHT REASONS! And Detective Demi's on the case – well, after judging a few guys on their cuteness.
Eventually, she finds her man: Scott, aka the guy who looks like he was either in Sugar Ray or Smashmouth. He takes Hannah aside to do some weird "House Hunters" dream home interior design stuff – we can assume they want an open concept kitchen – but DEMI AIN'T FOOLED. So she (and Katie, who I suppose is also there) brings her findings to Hannah, and Hannah doesn't hesitate. She pulls him aside with a "Can we talk?" that her tone translates to "Can I kick your ass?"
Honestly, this was Peak Hannah in the season premiere: From the hilariously sassy retorts to some very GIF-worthy reaction shots and her Southern "bless your heart" attitude, this is the Hannah I hope shows up for most of the season. The premiere mostly flattened her out and blandified her – because this is what this show does; the contestants are the personality, while the star is as inoffensive as possible – but for these five or ten minutes of destroying this O-Town reject, Hannah Beast was indeed a beast.
So yeah, Scott's gone. It's never a good sign when White Boy Cam says you suck, and everyone's like, "Vanilla Ice 2.0 is right!" But the mood of the night has been crashed. Un-thankfully, Brick Wall Chad is there to take Hannah aside once again help her get back into the dating 29 guys spirit. This friggin' guy is definitely getting the First Impression Rose tonight – and I am not pleased! And neither is former "Bachelorette" Rachel Lindsay. My suspicions have good company!
I've said this before (you know who I'm talking about) but Luke seems like he watched this show, created a how-to-book , memorized it and is spewing out that nonsense tonight #theBachelorette— Rachel Lindsay (@TheRachLindsay) May 14, 2019
And unfortunately my suspicions are also accurate, as Hannah grabs the First Impression Rose and takes it over to Brick Wall Chad. They celebrate with a kiss. A long, increasingly aggressive kiss that OH JESUS PLEASE STOP EATING HER FACE! Leave some room for the Lord, Buff Bible Man!
Of course, that's not the only rose of the night. It's time for Hannah's first official ceremony to see who will join Shack In A Suit and Caminem in the next episode. Mike gets a rose along with Matthew, aka American Ricky Gervais. Some Chad with an aggressive hair part visible from space gets to move on as well. Meanwhile, a Tim Tebow look-a-like named Kevin is anxiously waiting for his rose with a look that I can only describe as Resting Murderer Face. I don't know if it's safer for Hannah to pick him or to send him home. She goes with the former.
This all takes us to the final rose, basically a battle between happy farm guy Matt Donald and John Paul Jones, whose every reaction shot is desperately trying to be a GIF and whose profession on this show is literally just "John Paul Jones." Imagine how self-obsessed you have to be to call your three-named persona your occupation – and then complain about forgoing a promotion with said non-job for "The Bachelorette."
How hard was it for his friends to convince him not to put a numeral at the end of his name? Did you go to school for this level of vanity? Like, do you have a major in Egomania with a minor in Bad Smoldering Heath Ledger Impersonations? I choose Tractor Matt.
Unfortunately, Hannah doesn't, going with the guy with the assassin name instead. Heck, even the guy eating with his mouth full earlier tonight got a rose and Tractor Matt didn't. That's OK; his fate is sealed as the Grocery Joe of the season. Enjoy "Bachelor in Paradise," my dude.
It's a shame because Matt Donald was really one of the few guys that actually made a positive impression during Monday's premiere – or even merely made an impression at all. There's a few nice guys – Mike seems nice; the same goes for Peter the Pilot – and Brick House Chad is definitely going to be a villain at some point this season. But other than him, the biggest drama already got sent home, and everyone else was shades of beige. Or John Paul Jones, the creepiest shade of beige. (So ... salmon?)
Then again, that's how this always works on night one. It's hard to remember anything, much less cook up characters or drama, when you've got 30 Chads to introduce in a single night. That's what the next few months are for. Get your wine ready.
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