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Prepare for judgment. (PHOTO: Twitter/Hannah Brown)

"The Bachelorette" Rose Rundown: Breaking all the rules

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Quick question for "The Bachelorette": What is the point of having rules if we're now just going to let dudes go around and decide they don't need to follow them? Chads, deciding that the premise of the show or wandering into locations you're not supposed to isn't a personality. I wish it was because then maybe a few of you would be interesting and I'd remember more than five names on this show!

Anyways, Monday night's episode started with Hannah busting out some white person rapping "skills," and that should've been my first clue we were in for a long evening. Things quickly seemed like they might improve, however, with the start of the first group date of the season: a Mr. Right pageant judged by Hannah, Miss J of "America's Next Top Model" and two drag stars, Alyssa and Alaska. And they really were the stars of the night.

The latter sang a number featuring the phrase "Kung Fu Panda Hannah," while the former couldn't stop giving the best reactions during the pageant's speedo section of the competition. Please keep them around; I need them to fill the space where interesting contestants are supposed to be.

Indeed, while those two are having fun, the guys are being real safe and subdued. Mike aka Magic Mike tonight seemed into it, and John Paul Jones had a fun trip down the runway – the man has abs; I shall nickname him Beef Ledger – but when John Paul Jones is doing standing out for doing something right, you're all doing something wrong.

Anyways, brick wall in a suit Luke P. wins the pageant entirely because the man is a pile of muscles. During the speedo show, the guy broke the audience because of his pecs and abs and bonus top shelf of abs. That's too much ab, but the ladies love it, and that's definitely why he claims victory. It's definitely not because of the talent portion of the show, in which he did not have a talent; he just rambled for a bit and told Hannah that he's already falling in love with her despite knowing her for less than "Avengers: Endgame."

I saw more ads for "Aladdin" tonight than you've had conversations with this woman, Luke P. your phony testosterone depository. But Hannah is enrapt by his abs and his ability to say "love" and also his abs, so he wins the tiara and sash.

The obviously winner should've been Nashville singer Jed, who played a song and did his best acoustic singer-songwriter impression. (Call him Jason Meh-raz.) He certainly did better than Abs For Jesus. Grant even called the competition over when he busted out his song – though Grant, maybe things are over for you because you're unemployed? Even Luke P. at least has a job.

During the cocktail party portion of the group date, all the Chads are annoyed that Luke P. busted out the L-word after spending about two episodes worth of "Friends" with Hannah. They're tossing shade – and one gets the impression that will not stop after, go figure, the guy is the first to steal her away for some alone time. DAMN YOU, BRICK WALL IN SUIT! Hannah wants to find out if he's real; after all, he busted out some big words today, and according to Hannah, "words are important to me."

I saw your interview with Harrison during Colton's season finale; that is provably untrue. Luke P. says that it's true, though, and busts out his annoyingly fake puppy eyes while saying that he's never felt a connection like this. BUT WHAT ABOUT YOUR CONNECTION TO JESUS!? Sadly, Hannah believes him. The world will be a better place when this fake-ass sentient Nicholas Sparks script with a steroid addiction is gone.

The rest of the Chads agree, as they start digging in on his earlier proclamation of love/lack of talent. Mike comes in hot and calls him straight up "a dog" while another says that no one has ever fallen in love that fast IN THE HISTORY OF MAN. I know this all sounds entertaining and fun, but everyone's still too polite, and there's not enough personality in this tiff. Luke P. isn't a good villain; he's just annoyingly, transparently fraudulent.

Demi would've had 47 catchphrases by now; Luke P. just has 47 abs. Anyway, when it comes time to give away the rose, Hannah tosses it in the fireplace, doing her best Drogon impression and burning a metaphorical symbol of power. Nah, just kidding, she gives it to Jed. Please clap.

Back at the mansion, Cam aka Caminem aka Hacklemore busts out more damn white-boy rap. The only thing whiter than DJ Reduced Fat Mayo is Hannah's outfit for her first solo date with Tyler G., who's face is made entirely of angles. White pants, white shirt, white jacket – she looks like she's in a pop music video circa 2002. A Flight For Life helicopter drops by to save Tyler G. and Hannah from Cam's fire lyrics and take them to their date: ATV riding. Hold the god damn phone: HANNAH WORE ALL WHITE TO GO RIDING AROUND IN MUD ON AN ATV?! That is a war crime against clothes.

By the end, she as "mud in places mud should never be." LIKE ON AN ALL-WHITE OUTFIT!? Maybe Tyler G. was distracted for her fashion faux pas as well, because when the two mud buddies chat on some pillows post-ATV riding, he looks thoroughly checked out.

I admit, though, that by the end of the date, I kind of like Tyler G. The two go out to dinner after they both change and Hannah makes her dry cleaner cry, and Tyler G. asks some genuine questions ("What do you want to do in this world?) and seems legitimately into her answers and finding out more about her, not just Googling romance movie quotes and passing that off as love UNLIKE SOME AB MUSCLES ON THIS SHOW. The only thing that concerns me about Tyler G. after this date is that when Hannah and him kiss, I'm concerned she's going to cut herself on his jawline. A risk she is willing to take!

Back at the mansion, Cam is so sad and grumpy that he's not on a date this week that he's resorted to playing a sad harmonica. Anything's better than him rapping, I guess.

As for the Cam-less second group date, Hannah sprays on a pair of Flex Seal hot pants and takes the fellas to a roller derby. They are bad at it – Connor in particular seems doomed to end this date with a concussion. Some of the Chads point out that it's smart strategy on his part to be so clumsy because Hannah keeps sweetly checking on him – not that Connor will remember this brilliant move because he's gonna have CTE.

After zipping around the rink a few times, the show brings in Fred Willard and a crowd of fans for a proper roller derby – or considering how fast they're going, a roller derby soaked in maple syrup – that leaves Dustin mildly hurt and me mildly bored. There's too many guys who I don't know on this date, and there's too many guys without any personality on this date. We gotta clean this show out of Chads much faster.

So you know what this date DEFINITELY didn't need? Another guy showing up! Indeed, Cam decides that he could spend all day playing the sad harmonica and coming up with Post Malone lyrics by the pool OR he could convince the producers to let him dive-bomb a date he wasn't invited to and steal time with Hannah. THIS WAS AN OPTION THIS WHOLE TIME? Why do we have the Bachelorette pick people for dates if apparently you could just give that the middle finger and drop by whenever you please? THIS IS A SLIPPERY SLOPE, HARRISON, AND YOU KNOW IT.

Unfortunately Hannah rewards this behavior (though I'd hate to be in her awkward shoes here; it's unfair to her to put her in this spot, feeling forced to let this guy take her time) by indulging Cam in a chat while the other fellas ACTUALLY SELECTED FOR A DATE are left drinking and deservedly sulking. He eventually leaves, but Hannah pulls her best impression of SNL's "What Up With That?" sketch and says we outta time. (Her apologies to Lindsey Buckingham.)

The Chads on the date are so mad that they all take turns ... politely telling Cam that, listen here, fella, we sure didn't appreciate that, gosh darn it. It is the most polite bro-off, and I AM NOT HERE FOR IT. I demand fisticuffs! By the end, Resting Murder Face Kevin is sad because he lost respect for Cam after his actions tonight. Dude, he was a white dude who raps; why did you have respect for him in the first place? Anyways, Dustin gets the rose because everyone else was too busy forming an orderly queue to complain at Cam.

Finally we reach the cocktail party, getting us one step closer to culling this show of Chads. Hannah opens up the festivities with a tear-filled speech about ... not frankly sure. I think she's sad because she's gonna have to send people home. If she's already crying by night two, she's going to be a human puddle come the finale. Forget handing her a Kleenex, my dudes; she'll need a beach towel.

After that's all out of her system, Resting Murder Face Kevin takes her aside for some one-on-one time and a cute activity: screaming. OK, but seriously Kevin, where do you hide your bodies? Little did Kevin know, however, that people yelling was the mating call for Cam, who hears his alarm and comes to take Hannah AND KEVIN off to a pillow oasis he made and proposes some chicken nuggets with honey mustard to Hannah. If Cam keeps trolling Kevin, this show's gonna turn into an episode of "Forensic Files" fast.

Thankfully, Kevin keeps his composure and merely chucks a handful of chicken nuggets at Cam. No reason to take your anger out on the nuggets, man. That's a waste of perfectly good junk food. And he didn't even really throw them at Cam; it was more of a flourish. THESE are the dramatic fights and entertaining characters you've assembled for me, "The Bachelorette." I demand more; next week somebody better take a four-seam Big Mac fastball to the face.

Hopefully that person is Luke P., who takes Hannah aside for a steamy massage that ends with him taking off his shirt in front of a wall of candles ... until Jed shows up like this is a cliche romantic comedy. Next up should be the fight, then 15 minutes of sad faces while pop music plays before the best friend character convinces the guy that they're in love and that he should forgive her before he chases her down before she leaves town. Cue credits. Oh, and it's an R-rated rom-com because Hannah uses F-words the way the "Bachelorette" set designer uses candles. Jed sulks in front of a fire, sad to discover that there's other guys in the house who want to be with Hannah. Congratulations on discovering the premise of the show, Jed!

At least he already has a rose, though, so he has nothing to stress about during the rose ceremony, which ends exactly how you expect: Cam gets the final rose. Guess the producers gotta keep him around for a few more weeks for his weak-ass drama! I say go all in, "The Bachelorette," and have him awkwardly show up uninvited on hometown dates. Have him meet the other contestants' parents. Maybe they'll like his raps. Anyways, he insists that receiving a rose is evidence that his "Gotta be bold" motto is working. No, it's just you stealing the tagline from a Taco Bell commercial.

Meanwhile, Luke P. decides that he has an all-access pass on this show and walks in on Hannah's confessional booth so the two can talk – aka make out some more. This dude is an Instagram profile of romantic quotes and photoshopped sunsets that got struck by lightning and became human. Nothing about this guy is authentic – and worst of all, now he's getting in the way of the poor "Bachelorette" crew's jobs. You just know they have to get this confessional footage and narration done before they can leave for the night – and in walks Brick Wall in Suit like the Kool-Aid Man.

But seriously, we need to start laying down the law on this show. If apparently no place is safe for Hannah to just have time to herself, if apparently the guys get to choose if they're going on a group date or not, we're watching chaos. The fun of this show is The Bachelorette having control and having men grovel and compete for her amusement (and sure, her heart too; whatever). And now these Chads are basically wrestling that from her, invading her personal spaces and her chosen dates. AND NOT EVEN BEING INTERESTING WHILE DOING IT!

Harrison, get a hold of your show. Hannah, stop wearing white while ATV-ing. And all the white people on this season: Stop rapping.


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