"The Bachelor" Rose Rundown: Getting concussed for Colton
Listen: At some point, we're gonna see Colton jump a fence. In fact, these few weeks of lead-up have been a nice reminder that, whenever it happens, it's going to be very disappointing and very underwhelming – like it's all because some neighboring kids were playing baseball and Colton's fetching their ball for them, or ABC decided to film a tribute to "The Sandlot."
So let's just all sit in that information, move forward as better people with that knowledge and enjoy a bunch of women bizarrely beating up one another for Colton's amusement in the meantime.
Last we checked, Onyeka and Nicole were fighting loudly over whether somebody may or may not have bullied someone. The seeds of madness Elyse planted on her way out of the mansion have bloomed into a beautiful crazy tree – and it's harvest season, everyone. Colton tried to step in and mediate the fight, but they were dedicated to their fighting, so Colton bailed and decided to pace on the beach for a while instead.
"That's not where we're here for," he mutters disappointedly to the camera while, somewhere, a producer profoundly disagreed.
One transition shot to some crabs just chilling on the beach later, and it's rose ceremony time. Kirpa and her chin bandaid get to stay, mostly because axing her after she broke her face for your show is poor form. Demi gets a rose as well, which means we get a new overly verbose acceptance. OH DEMI; YOU'RE TOO MUCH! Meanwhile, Onyeka and Nicole were ACTUALLY too much for Colton because he sends them home. They will live to fight another day – but that day will have to be the Ladies Tell All episode.
Colton's Tour of Southeast Asia continues as the show pops over to Vietnam, which is described on the show as "exotic and romantic" before all the remaining ladies on the show yell, "Good morning, Vietnam" off a balcony. Liars; none of you have seen that Robin Williams classic. Frankly, the odds are very good at least one of you doesn't even know what the Vietnam War was. (Even better odds that it's Demi.)
Anyways, Colton's selfie cam returns as well for another, slightly less angsty stroll on the beach. Did you know that Colton's greatest fear is, in the end, proposing to somebody who's not actually interested in him and getting rejected? Because Colton's greatest fear is, in the end, proposing to somebody who's not actually interested in him and getting rejected. If you took a drink every time Colton's talked about how that terrifies him, you'd need another trip to the charcoal feeding room at the local hospital. This season of "The Bachelor": good for drinking games, bad for livers.
The first one-on-one date in Vietnam goes to Hannah G., who I'm predicting will make it to the final four. And this date does not contradict that at all! The powers-that-be send them to a spa where they get massages and what can only be described as a sushi roll nap. They get rolled up in leaves and sleep for a bit – apparently for so long that their masseuses' shift ended, leaving the two alone to make out in a bathtub filled with chocolate milk before moving over to (where else!?) the shower to make out some more.
This man just absolutely loves showers – and if you think I'm kidding, when Hannah G. asks him what his favorite part of their spa date was, without hesitation and with the enthusiasm of a child on Christmas, he says the shower. I haven't done the math, but Colton may have taken more showers this season than uttered complete sentences. He's definitely the cleanest Bachelor the show's ever had.
Moving on, Hannah G. says that opening up isn't her jam, but then almost immediately opens up to Colton about her parents' divorce and how she simply shut it out of her mind. Clever play, telling Colton that she normally keeps up walls only to immediately knock down said walls. It's like that scene in "500 Days of Summer" when Zooey Deschanel tells Joseph Gordon-Levitt that she's never told anyone about a personal part of her life, and he thinks he's guaranteed marriage in the process – except, in this case, JGL is also dating multiple other women at the time. And also no musical numbers. Actually, Colton and Hannah go to dance with a traditional Vietnamese band, so never mind! Needed more cartoon birds, though.
Wow, what a random tangent; back to the show – and back to the hotel, where everyone wants a one-on-one. But TOO BAD! Unless your name is Kirpa and you've recently biffed on some rocks taking a selfie, you're on the group date! Thoughts, Demi?
Admit it: You're going to miss this Pixie Stick Dust That Wished She Was Human when she's gone.
Anyways, the group date involves the ladies duking it out with some vovinam, a Vietnamese martial art. And to demonstrate it, a bunch of martial arts experts have to pretend they're getting owned by Colton. I hope they were paid well.
The women get to training for a rumble in the jungle while the host of the Vietnamese version of "The Bachelor" takes the Fred Willard role of guest commentator alongside Chris Harrison. And he is ... unimpressed. You see, after all their training, when the women are paired up in the ring, it just turns into a glorified slap fight but with more giggles. Miss Bama (who insists on the nickname "Hannah Beast" – not gonna happen!) is the only one who seems to land any hits; between eating just about anything that crawls for Colton's heart and now trying to take a lady's head off like she's playing real life Rock Em Sock Em Robots, she may be an actual mad woman.
Then it's Demi's turn in the ring. It does not go well. She takes multiple shots to the face, and Colton almost immediately regrets this group date idea. Eventually, Demi takes so many shots that she basically curls up into ball for self-protection, and yep, let's call it a day after that happens. She's so concussed afterward that she thinks it's a good idea to call her newly released from prison mom for the first time ... WITH COLTON! You want your first convo with your freshly freed mother to be with your boyfriend (who your mom does not know and vice versa) in front of cameras recording this very personal chat for the entire world to see? CTE is real, ya'll.
Speaking of questionable choices, frustrated about not getting a one-on-one date, Sydney spends her private time with Colton semi-berating him about his choice of women remaining and being generally annoyed at him about not getting a solo date. Once again, people should really consider watching the show before signing up for it. Interesting approach, condescendingly telling Colton that he doesn't know who's best for him and that he's making "easy choices."
Let's see if it works out for her! Ooops, nope – though maybe not in the way you're expecting, as Sydney decides dating a guy who's into the likes of Demi and (*sigh*) Hannah Beast isn't what she's looking for and commits reality show seppuku. Then, on her way out, she gives Colton this intense "Taken" speech about finding the women there for the right reasons, taking them and using his very special skills or something like that. I hope she had Tayshia in mind, because that's who ends up with the group date rose after she gets vanned away.
Now it's Kirpa's time to shine – with a non-busted chin and everything! I'll be honest: I was very scared for Kirpa coming into this one-on-one date. It's been a long time since somebody got the ax on the solo date, and up to this point, Kirpa's barely been on the show, much less seemingly making a connection with Colton. (Other than cleaning his teeth, but who has an enjoyable connection with their dentist?) This seem destined to end in tears and an SUV ride to the airport.
Instead, the two went sweetly sea urchin hunting and chatting over dinner about how Kirpa was previously engaged to a guy she dated for eight years, proving that she knows what it takes to be in a longtime relationship and proving that she's ready for the next step. She gets a rose – which good, because otherwise she would've busted her face and wrist for nothing. (And also because she seems fun; I wish the show highlighted her sense of humor more – and not just in a deleted clip dumped on YouTube.)
Well, I guess that wraps up the drama for the daOH NEVER MIND DEMI IS ON THE WARPATH. In an ultimate villain move, she gets herself dolled up in a very creepy, dark and ominous mirror, and storms to Colton's apartment – complete with literal lightning raging behind her. OK, storm is a bit much; it's more of a very purposeful walk ... and also she was inspired by the evil twins from "The Shining." Her mission: She wants to collect a V-card.
Welp, bad news, because Colton wants one less lady on his show. Demi tells him that she's falling in love, and Colton's like, "Whoa, pump the breaks. And when you're done pumping the breaks, hit the gas because you can leave; here's your SUV." It's a shocking turn of events and shockingly sudden elimination. If I'm being honest, it was probably Demi's time – but even if you hated her, admit it, you're going to miss her. You think you're going to get her level of delicious reality show entertainment from First Kiss Heather, "Hannah Beast" and Not Lindsey Vonn? I THINK NOT. I'm already counting down the days until her season of "Bachelor in Paradise."
With all of the excitement of women bailing at random times this week, Colton decides against a cocktail party and determines we're headed straight into another rose ceremony. All of the usual suspects get roses: Miss Bama, Caelynn and Cassie (who, with Hannah G., are my guesses for the final four). That leaves just Heather and Katie for the final rose. Who could possibly be going home: Newly Kissed Heather or this anonymous person who supposedly has been on this show the entire time but may also just be a random crew member? So yeah, bye Katie.
On her way out, however, she leaves an OMINOUS MESSAGE for Colton, saying that there still are women here for the wrong reasons. Now, if I was newly kicked off a dating reality show, I'd definitely leave some vague dirt on the way out. I'd for sure be like, "It's been real; thanks for having me. By the way, one of the remaining people is a murderer KTHANKSBAIIIIIIIIIIII!" Who cares if it's true?! All I know is I'd slowly turn the bachelor into that Conspiracy Charlie meme from "It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia."
Anyways, this revelation really sticks with Colton because, I don't know if you've heard, but Colton's greatest fear is, in the end, proposing to somebody who's not actually interested in him and getting rejected. I like Colton – a lot more than I expected at the start of this season – but I do wonder if he's too emotional. Not as a human being – as an actual person, his emotional awareness and openness are great things, and frankly more men should connect to their feelings instead of bottling them up.
But being on "The Bachelor" requires a certain amount of shameless sociopathy, an awareness that games are being played – even by you as well – and that this process isn't actually great for anything other than making wannabe Instagram influencers. And Colton seems way too sincere and earnest to handle that.
Which can only mean one thing: Grab your party hats and noise makers, because we've almost struck Jumping A Fence o'clock.
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