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"The Bachelor" Rose Rundown: Colton's women tell all (ish)

A humble suggestion for "The Bachelor," if I may as an esteemed online recapper who spilled some cheap Sutter Home moscato on himself last night all for the internet to see (I am a professional): Can we combine the Women Tell All and the After the Final Rose episodes?

Tuesday night's special Women Tell All episode was going well – Demi was firing off insults, old beefs were put back on the grill, women axed from the first two episodes were Wiki-ed with results like, "Oooooh yeah I suppose somebody DID dress up like a sloth this season" – and then as soon as we hit the second hour, the show died like one of Courtney's attempts to be sassy. All of the amusingly petty dramas were replaced by trying to make me care about things, and my mind wandered to thoughts like, "So how and where did the producers find Colton after his fence jump?" and "Wait, Nicole's getting a year's worth of mock ice cream because she cried a lot? I CRY A LOT AND NO ONE GIVES ME ANYTHING OTHER THAN DISAPPROVING LOOKS." Two hours, as it turns out, is just a long time to rehash old storylines and listen to a dozen women all attempt to speak at the same time.

So I say combine the two episodes; after all, this episode just ended up feeling like a weird, distracting, besides-the-point pivot since, last we checked, Colton was roaming the Portuguese countryside in a wild escape while Harrison whistled out for him like a lost puppy. But there were still some fun, or at least notable, things during Tuesday's Women Tell All episode.

Of course, the show started with introducing all the Hannahs once again, from the one who dressed like a sloth, to the one who spoke like an Australian for an episode and then never spoke again, to one contestant named Jane who may have just been a random woman who walked on stage and convinced crew members she was a contestant.

One person missing? Wisconsin's own Annie Reardon, who was dumped on the second episode after seemingly clicking with Colton on "Ellen" before the season began. As it turns out, according to Reality Steve, apparently they didn't click and Colton didn't dump her – she dumped Colton, a guy who's "weird as sh*t" according to some rule-breaking tweets and Snapchat posts that are very much a "Bachelor" no-no. She didn't make friends with her fellow contestants either, implying they are "psycho people." So no wonder she was basically a no-show in the final edit – and no wonder her invite to the Women Tell All appears to have gotten lost in the mail.

After a very important and definitely not time-filling montage of past breakups and breakdowns, and part one of the show's 79-part attempt to murder the joke about Colton showering a lot, the ladies got to talking about Colton and the season's drama. Of course, this is Demi's zone. She giddily talks about being very turned on by the idea of exploring a virgin. She eggs on the crowd like a wrestling heel at the start of every sentence. She talks in the third person. She awwws at her own footage. She roasts some contestant I don't remember named Courtney out of existence and Heismans her every attempt to sass Demi into feeling guilty or bad, not to mention kills Courtney's attempt to ... shove a pacifier into her mouth? What a very spontaneous and effective way to show that you were indeed the adult in this situation, Courtney!

Anyways, Demi doesn't just want to be on "Bachelor in Paradise"; she wants to fly the plane, serve the drinks, host the show, lease the property and build the set. She clearly wants to OWN this upcoming "Paradise" season – and I am here for it. She's exactly the goofy, laugh-at-your-seriousness personality that I enjoy the most on this silly show. Embrace the reality show ridiculousness, everyone, and join me on #TeamDemi.

As for other fun dramas, Nicole and Onyeka continue their petty feud. Nicole says she feels like she was bullied on the show, and that causes approximately every woman on the set to try speaking at the same time. Because nothing says "we're not bullies" like a mob yelling an emotional person down. Onyeka stands up and clearly thinks she's going to have the Burn of the Night as she busts out a "Thank you, next," but the audience isn't particularly here for it – especially after Nicole masterfully reverses the burn and notes that it's an extremely bully-like move to talk over someone and rudely attempt to shut them down with an Ariana Grande reference. Nicole eventually wails that she feels like she's drowning – and so do I, but I'm suffocating under all of these women shrieking and screaming at the same time. Can we raise our hands or form an orderly queue next time? Because this is an honest transcription of these 10 minutes:

"IFEELOHMYGODWHATALIEBUTWHATABOUTMYEMOTIONSBULLYING
HAPPENEDTOMEIKNOWWHATYOUDIDTHANKYOUNEXTWERENTYOUA
SLOTH!"

The show also made Katie bring some details to her "grenade" of a revelation that some girls in the house were there just to be the next "Bachelorette." For one, she was indeed talking about Caelynn and Cassie when she made her vague accusation, noting that "what they valued at this point in their lives didn't match with Colton" and describing a conversation on a bus in which the two glowingly plotted their post-Colton lives on "The Bachelorette." Half the women side with Caelynn, noting the conversation was much more innocent than Katie portrays; this includes Jane, who did not make an impact at all during the actual show but who CAME TO THROW DOWN for Caelynn Tuesday night. Guess we know who's running any Caelynn fan clubs online. Half of the contestants, however, side with Katie and note that the two are fake. I guess we'll never know the truth – though the fact Cassie suddenly decided that falling in love with Colton was a bridge too far Monday night reflects well on Katie's claim.

Oh, Harrison also attempts to dig into the tiff between Caelynn and Miss Bama Hannah, but both decline to get into any details from their pageant drama days. How very dignified of them – BOOOO! LAAAAAME! The Women Tell All is no place for dignity; it's a place for DIRT.

And unfortunately that was the beginning of the end for Tuesday's special episode, as the second half was a lot of repetitive and standard interviews mixed in with beating the Colton showering joke to death and montages of scenes we saw just this past month. Even Demi got to be tiresome, constantly interjecting herself into moments. Hannah B. talked about how she's changed thanks to the show and that she wants somebody to "love her fiercely" – a phrase that clearly gets Harrison's PR/branding brain fired up. She's the only actual personality to come from this crew of women, so she would seem to be the front runner for "Bachelorette."

The most revelatory moment in the second hour actually came during a commercial break, when the question "Hey, what's Nick Viall up to these days?" was answered with "Making fun of children in an ad for faux ice cream." Otherwise, the back half of the show violently hit a wall.

But on the topic of jumping walls (just roll with the transition, please), the producers must've found Colton because he shows up for a round of questioning – or, in the case of Courtney, uncomfortable silence as Demi drops one final burn on her, joking that finally she can speak with "The Bachelor" for the first time. Other than that, it's mostly a boring segment as each woman takes her turn asking why they got dumped and Colton gives a polite explanation that he just didn't feel the same way about them. The only good inquiry comes from Sydney, who must've been a journalism student, asking the hard question: Are you still a virgin? After trading euphemisms, we don't get an answer. WE JUST WANT TO KNOW IF HE GOT HIS PASSPORT TO BOINK TOWN STAMPED!

The show ends, as all of them do, with bloopers, which are fun but also frustrating to me. Why edit the reality out of a reality show? Keep this stuff in the show! It's humanizing and it's way funnier than any of the show's funky attempts at dad jokes. I could've been watching Kirpa accidentally drop her butt on Colton's face this whole time!? Or Demi shoving a whole lot of sausage into her mouth? Or Hannah B. battle it out with a microwave that refuses to open? Missed opportunities; I would've traded in at least 15 of Colton's shower sequences for some of this stuff.

All that's left now is the finale – and predictions. And here's mine: Cassie will return somehow. There's simply no way to salvage a happy ending with Hannah G. or Tayshia; even if they don't know it, the audience knows that they're basically consolation prize winners. And Colton finishing the show still single – HIS GREATEST FEAR! – would be a bummer of an anti-climax. So either Cassie will come back and admit that she made a mistake, that she let her dad mess with her head and that she's in love with him in the end, or Colton will seek out Cassie and make a final plea for her heart that wins her over. Roll the credits. Begin the Demi show on "Bachelor in Paradise."

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