"The Bachelor" recap: Kelsey struggles with serious champagne problems
You don't need me to tell you that Kelsey had a bad night on Monday. All you need to do is look at the photo above – yes, that's Kelsey underneath that geyser of bougie bubbles, making her family proud on national television – and you can safely assume that things did not go according to plan. And that was by no means all; this mishap was actually part three of an entire night of champagne pains for Kelsey, an epic trilogy of tripping over oneself – all in the name of impressing Propeller Pete on episode two of "The Bachelor."
I'm getting ahead of myself, though, because before we talk about some champagne going all grade school science fair volcano in Kelsey's mouth, we need to finish off last week's explosive confrontation between Peter and Hannah B. – who apparently does not have better things to do and who apparently got some new waterproof mascara in between episodes.
Peter originally pitched her the idea of coming onto the show and competing for his heart, but in the end, he doesn't feel like he can do this – and Hannah B. discovers a bit of dignity, hopefully realizing that she doesn't have to compete on reality shows for love anymore because she's famous. So after some glittery hugs, the two go their separate ways. And not once did one of the other contestants pop in and tell Hannah B., "Hey, can I borrow him for a sec?" Wasted opportunity.
Meanwhile, the rest of the poor ladies on this group date have been writing like maniacs for the world's most awkward short story prompt, scribbling down tales of sexual hijinks to tell a bunch of strangers, your new boyfriend, his ex and his 14 other new girlfriends. But thankfully, this uncomfortable challenge compiling "Sexy Stories to Tell in the Dark" has been cancelled because Peter's just not in the mood anymore – certainly a relief for most of the women but also a bit unsettling since Peter's clearly not over Hannah, and as Natasha notes, every day she's seen Peter, she's seen Hannah B. too. FAIR ASSESSMENT OF THE SITUATION!
Later that night, though, Peter apologizes to his new girlfriends and reassures them that he's moved on and is entirely focused on them (until Hannah B. dive-bombs the show at the end of the season too, but we'll get there when we get there, I'm sure). So it's off to learning more about these ladies – including Sydney, who tells Peter about her struggles living with racism in the South as a child in a half-white/half-black household, to which he responds with basically, "That's great; love that you're so open and vulnerable."
Which ... feels like a weird reaction? Not that I need "The Bachelor" OF ALL SHOWS to tackle complex and complicated issues like race relations in America, but it also always feels so callous to have people talk about the serious issues they've faced in their lives just to respond with a generic, "Cool, interesting factoid; thanks for sharing." This woman didn't deal with racism as a child to impress you, Pete – but apparently it worked because she gets the group date rose over Mykenna.
Anyways, everyone gets back together for the pre-rose ceremony cocktail party, where it seems like Peter has not remembered most of these women. Lexi, for instance, has to remind Pete that she was the one who drove up in the cool red convertible. ALWAYS A GOOD SIGN! Even though Peter has to go to his notes in order to remember her, though, I actually like these two together; Lexi has some low-key energy that's refreshing as compared to the manic, dramatic excess of everyone else here, and her little peck on Pete's cheek was kind of adorable. If Peter can ever start remembering anything about her, they might just have a chance.
Unfortunately for Lexi, though, right about now is when #ChampagneGate strikes, rendering everything else tonight moot. You see, Kelsey bought herself a real fancy bottle of champagne for an important moment – and what could more important than impressing a guy dating 24 other Instagram influencers on national television? So she puts the bottle of Dom Perignon on ice, grabs a blanket, assembles a cute little fireside hangout ... and then leaves all of that completely unattended. SURELY THIS WILL NOT BE A PROBLEM IN A MANSION FILLED WITH INCREASINGLY DESPERATE WOMEN AND EVEN MORE DESPERATE TV PRODUCERS!
At first, Kelsey gets mad at not-so-friendly Canadian Mykenna because she stole Peter away when she had this special champagne room power hour set up, and while the Calgary Flame had plenty of alone time with Peter during the group date, Kelsey hasn't gotten to talk to him at all about even the simple things – you know, like where she's from and what she does and probably what her name is. Feels like maybe instead of harrumphing at the Toronto Maple Leaf for not allowing her to chat with Peter, Kelsey could've used this time, I don't know, chatting with Peter. Or at least keeping watch over her bottle of champagne ...
Peter takes some time to hang with Madison, who must be drunk because she's laughing at LITERALLY everything he's saying and none of it is even remotely attempting to be a joke – but now it's Kelsey's champagne time. There's just one problem: Kelsey's not the one popping the bubbly. WHO COULD'VE SEEN SUCH SHENANIGANS COMING!? Indeed, while Kelsey excitedly talks with some friends about her big champagne surprise, Peter and Hannah Ann Duran Duran come upon her little hideaway and assumes it was some producer-made cuteness, so they pop the champagne – and pop all of Kelsey's brain cells in the process. She goes off to have a cry about the champagne that'll never be, as well as to yell at Hannah Roseanne Roseannadanna for stealing the bubbly – which, sure, maybe she did, but is it really stealing if you left the champagne out just on the floor, unattended, just waiting for somebody to come and confuse it for a nice gift? THIS IS WHY YOU ALWAYS LEAVE A NOTE!
Thankfully, Kelsey literally trips over a random bottle of champagne of her own, so she and Peter pop that open and everything's all good and calm now ... until Kelsey tries to take a swig straight from the bottle because she's "not a classy b*tch all the time." Truer words have never been spoken, as the bottle of champs decides it wants to do its best Pompeii impression in the back of Kelsey's throat, foaming and spitting and exploding out of the contestant's face. And here we were thinking the sex story group date challenge was going to be the most NSFW part of tonight's episode. Even late night Skin-emax was like, "That seems a little suggestive and inappropriate!" Good news: I highly doubt Peter's going to forget you now!
Anyways, I think we've learned some valuable lessons here tonight, Kelsey: Don't leave your fancy alcohols out unopened in public. And also maybe just stick with red wine from now on, because bubbly isn't agreeing with you.
After Kelsey de-champagnes her face, it's time for the rose ceremony, with Mykenna getting the first rose of the night. To the producers' credit, they didn't go the obvious route and set up Hannah Ann versus Kelsey with the final rose of the night. Such restraint! However, in the end, they set up Kelsey against a bunch of random women who we've never met and were quite possibly just overdressed production assistants on set – so not a lot of tension surrounding who might get the axe.
Indeed, Kelsey gets the final rose, sending home Courtney, Lauren and Payton, who were all definitely people who were on the show technically. I have a feeling Kelsey won't be around long for this show, as this feels very much like a pity rose because Peter didn't want to send her home on the same night a bunch of champagne U-turned its way out of her throat.
For now, though, she's still around – and learning because when Peter nods at her to do a post-ceremony toast, she jokingly notes that it might be best for her to keep her mouth shut. SMARTEST THING SHE'S DONE ALL NIGHT! Meanwhile, Hannah Montana Ann – who's apparently as adept at reading the room as Kelsey is at drinking champagne – deciders to pick up the evening's toast for her nemesis. Surely that will end the drama! In the meantime, we are all Tammy.
Unfortunately, we can't just talk about champagne explosions all night, so it's time for a new day – and a new group date card. And this group date thankfully doesn't feature Hannah Brown showing up to talk about that time she and Peter had sex an ever-increasing number of times in a windmill. Instead, it's time for some PRODUCT PLACEMENT as their date takes them to Revolve so the ladies can win a whole new wardrobe of clothes from supermodel Janice Dickinson and "Queer Eye" icon Carson Kressley. Oh, and I guess some time with Peter maybe, but he is definitely the secondary prize during this date.
In order to win the free wardrobe (and the Peter time, but who cares; get lost, THIS IS NOT ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW!), the ladies have to do their best "Zoolander" impression and win a runway walk-off. So the women sprint around the shop, putting together their outfits for the fashion show. Victoria F., though, is less excited, instead stressing out because she's shy and having a hard time putting herself out there. Victoria F., you signed up for a dating reality show – you don't get to act like you're all scared of the spotlight now. Surprise, surprise – after tearing up for 20 minutes, she takes the runway and slays it with no sweat, including the nightwear round during which she comes out in lingerie. So yeah, guess she was fine. She qualifies for the final walk-off against Do You Remember When We Used To Sing Sha Na Na Hannah Ann Na Na Na Na Na Ti Da, who should've been immediately disqualified for dressing like she's on a Disney Channel original TV show from the mid-'00s.
When she wasn't dressed as a "That's So Raven" reject, Hannah Ann also went extremely extra and walked down the runway in a wedding gown, causing many to have flashbacks to Luke P. – and when you are inspiring Luke P. comparisons, YOU ARE SCREWING UP. However, she is a professional model, so we shouldn't be surprised that she performed well here – especially considering some internet sleuths discovered that she may actually model with Revolve outside of the show. (Not the most notable model-related controversy the internet dug up on the night though!) Also apparently in the Hannah Ann C-Span modeling business: Sonic?
This makes Hannah Ann both the Luke P. of this season so far AND the Jed of this season. TERRIFIC COMBINATION! SHOULD GO GREAT!
Anyways, back to the runway, Hannah Ann and Victoria F. have their simultaneous walk-off – which Hannah Ann wins with a confident strut and a few catty model moves, like whipping Victoria F. with her gown and sassily walking in her way. But even though she lost the free clothes (oh yeah, and the Peter love, but whatever), you'd think Victoria F. would be riding high and feeling confident after placing second and looking good on the runway. AND YOU WOULD BE WRONG! Indeed, Victoria F. is an emotional roller coaster, going from tears to empowered, then back to tears. During the party portion of the group date, she confides to Peter that maybe she's not made for this show and if it's worth hurting her mental health to stay on – and honestly, leaving the show seems like a smart idea for her.
She sure seems like she's dealing some emotions that the intense, high-key world of a dumb dating reality show doesn't exactly help with. However, after Peter takes her aside to talk and give her some privacy – aka in a slightly darker corner a few feet away from their couch that the cameras and mics all still captured – she figures she'll stay. Victoria F. seems like she may be a lot.
Speaking of a lot: Hannah Ann, who decides that she needs to talk to Peter about Kelsey, re-litigate #ChampagneGate and bust out the B-word: bullying. Now bullying is a very serious issue that hurts millions of people, adults and kids alike ... but I'm not calling what Kelsey did bullying. Sure, it was pretty unhinged of her to get all profane and harrumphy about digging into the champagne THAT SHE LEFT OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE MANSION – but the anger afterwards wasn't as much bullying as it was someone mad at another person for their not-particularly thoughtful actions. Most of all, though, Getting Jiggy With It Na Na Na Hannah Ann Na Na didn't need to do this. You won the walk-off. You have Peter's eye. Spend the time flirting and building off of that instead of bringing back the now flat bubbly drama. HAS KELSEY NOT SUFFERED ENOUGH TONIGHT!?
Anyways, maybe she should've focused more on building her relationship with Peter rather than knocking down Kelsey, because the group date rose ends up going to Victoria F. – which good for her, but also I AM SO CONCERNED FOR HER MENTAL HEALTH. Hopefully next week provides some sense of calm and serenity and HA HA HA WHO AM I KIDDING; THIS IS "THE BACHELOR." IT'S GONNA GO BUGNUTS.
Before then, we leave with some wise parting advice from Janice Dickinson: Try not to fart on dates. Ah, now I see what I've been doing wrong this whole time. That's why I watch "The Bachelor": the valuable and timeless life lessons ... like "don't fart" and "don't leave your expensive stuff out in plain sight for people to steal." Truly this show contains multitudes.
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