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Same, Tammy. Same.

"The Bachelor" recap: Peter stabbed himself in the face - then things got worse

It's borderline impressive that Peter managed to slam his head so hard into a golf cart that he proceeded to smash his own glass of water against his own face, giving him several stitches ... and that wasn't even close to the dumbest, most unaware thing he did during Monday night's jumbo-sized episode. It's been a rough season for Petey Propellers – and it just got worse yesterday.

We return to the haven of romance that is Cleveland, where Peter is still attempting to navigate the Alayah of it all. So he takes the controversial magic returning rose-snatcher aside for an important chat where he says a lot of nice things, but in the end, he sends her home ... again. If I have this correct, the first time he sent her home, he was influenced by the other women's feelings, and now he's sending Alayah off the show yet again ... because he's afraid of how he's hurt the other women's feelings. I apologize for last week calling Peter's spine "made of Jello that hasn't been in the fridge long enough"; that was cruel to Jello. Peter's spinal chord is basically just a waterfall.

He goes back to the rest of the ladies and apologizes for his (numerous) mistakes, and the contestants seem much better now that the Alayah situation's been rectified. That being said, if Tammy doesn't get a rose after all this drama, she says she's setting the house on fire. So there's that. Always good to know arson's on the table.

That's right: We still have a rose ceremony to do in Cleveland. Madison gets the first rose, while Tammy gets the final carnation because she was the only person anyone had heard of in the final four ... and also to avoid arson. So it's the end of the road for Savannah, Kiarra and Deandra, who were all supposedly people on this show. Deandra, in particular, is shocked that she's going home – and I'm so sorry to be the one breaking this to you, but you are the only one. Meanwhile, Savannah has thoughts on her time on the show:

After the rose ceremony, Peter breaks the news to the dozen women remaining that they're leaving Cleveland for Costa Rica. They take the news well. Sure, it's because they're getting to escape Cleveland for the whirlwind globe-trotting romance they thought they signed up for – but also because, as multiple women say, they're tired of the drama and CERTAINLY THERE WILL NO DRAMA NOW THAT ALAYAH'S GONE! Please, people, watch the show before you go on.

After regaling the ladies with how he buried a water glass into his skull, Peter snags Sydney for a one-on-one date. They go on a helicopter ride viewing the country's gorgeous waterfalls and volcanos, he calls her "the best kisser" and, during the dinner part of the date, Sydney busts out the requisite sad background story – in her case, how she had to endure racism growing up in Alabama in a mixed-race household. Then they make out in a pool. I can almost guarantee that, looking back across this entire three-hour episode, you forgot that this date happened.

Meanwhile, back at the hotel, Kelley gets the episode's other one-on-one date, breaking some ladies' hearts and certainly breaking Kelsey's brain. She copes with this information, as well as watching Peter jet off with Sydney, by getting fully hammered, getting sassy by a pool and crying. At least she only lost her mind this week and not her champagne. Tammy is having none of it – and little do we know it, but this is the start of the drama of the week.

Before that and before his solo date with Kelley, though, we get the group outing with the editor-in-chief of Cosmo. They're doing a photo shoot for a feature in their upcoming March issue, and the winner of this modeling challenge gets to be on the cover. Hannah Ann Duran Duran thinks she's got this in the bag since she's a professional model. But fun fact: Literally EVERYONE on this show is technically a model – at least on Instagram. So Model Battle 2.0 begins, but it doesn't truly start until the producers the photographer tells Peter, Kelsey, Tall Demi and Victoria F. that "I think we need something more dramatic, right?" So Victoria F. starts making out with Peter, which apparently earns her the big modeling gig. Remember when she was super stressed out about the fashion show challenge a few episodes ago because she's shy and doesn't put herself out there and doesn't even know how to model? BECAUSE VICTORIA F. CERTAINLY DOESN'T!

We cut to the dinner party portion of the group date, where Victoria F. is depressed that she's "already" 26 years old (shut up) and Peter makes out with a handful of women in a row. I know it's built into the concept of the show ... but it is more than a little sleazy that Peter macks on about four women in a minute while the show tries to sell that, no, he's TOTALLY having unique emotional connections; here's some twinkly piano music in the background so you think this is all sweet and romantic!

Kelsey's one of those lucky lip-locking ladies as she tells Peter that she's falling in love with him – though it seems like she's more just saying that so she can get on everyone else's level of relationship with Peter. And sure, that's suboptimal – but Tammy decides that, as a result, this would be a good time to bring up Kelsey's poolside emotions the night before. As always, COMPLAINING ABOUT OTHERS INSTEAD OF ESTABLISHING YOUR OWN CONNECTION IS A BAD USE OF YOUR TIME! Plus, aren't mental and emotional breakdowns just a part of this show? I mean, half of the women here have already sobbed on camera; Mykenna's already done it five times this episode. This drama all feels like a stretch, but Peter's suddenly confused and feels the need to discuss things with Kelsey, so it becomes A Thing – complete with Tammy and Kelsey debating with each other about whether crying means you're not "a strong woman."

It's all very stupid, and nobody comes off well; Kelsey is very annoying, between this conniption fit and the previous champagne problems ... but Tammy's also making an Everest out of a molehole, simply because she handles her emotions differently than someone. (And because the producers told her to do this.) Again: It's a REAL stretch, and I did not need three hours for this.

Thankfully, we get to flee that date and head on the one-on-one with Kelley, who is WAAAAYYY too normal, rational and centered to be on this show. Apparently she's also too much of those things for Peter as well, because he's NOT IMPRESSED by her on this date. He spends the whole time harrumphing about how she doesn't seem open enough to him, that she's not giving him 100 percent, that they're not on the same wavelength – and worst of all, during their cleansing ritual date, a pendulum told them that they're not on the same level and some candles said she's repressing her emotions. AND IF A PENDULUM AND SOME CANDLES SAY IT, IT MUST BE TRUE!

But hold on a second, Petey Propellers: You give every single melodramatic person on this show 45 million chances to figure their over-dramatic, lying, fake selves out – from Alayah to Stretched-Out Demi to Kelsey and more – and then consistently reward their mess. But Kelley is a problem because she doesn't have some rehearsed sob story to bring to the date, that she challenges him on rewarding drama and that she's not ready to IMMEDIATELY fall in love with a guy on a TV show dating 11 other women at the same time? Peter, what the actual hell – though, honestly, it'd probably be for the best for these two to go their separate ways. Kelley and Peter do NOT seem like compatible people; she's way too certain and strong for his wavering wet-spaghetti spine. She should date Grocery Joe, who was also too normal for "The Bachelor." They're both from Chicago – and he's single now! I'M BETTER AT MATCHMAKING THAN THIS SHOW!

Later on the date, Peter and Kelley talk some more, with him saying that he wants her to "trust the process because it works." He says this numerous times this episode ... and I have no idea why he thinks this. Literally nothing's gone right for anyone during his seasons on this show. He got dumped. Jed got dumped and so badly humiliated on television that he's probably in witness protection. Tyler got dumped and then passed on dating Hannah Brown – who was on the show twice (three times if you include her hijacking the first two episodes of this season) and still ended up just as single as she came in. So ... what evidence do you have, Peter, that "The Bachelor" works and that people should "trust the process"? Because literally all you've ever known is failure and heartbreak on this show.

This is all besides the point, though, because Kelley still gets the rose. Because even as dumb as he can be, he knows Kelley is great. Maybe this whole couples therapy date was a smokescreen from the producers so people will think it's not going to work out. But overall: Yay for Kelley ... but also get out of there.

But seriously: Get out of there, girl, because things are about to go nuts.

After another bad conversation between Kelsey and Tammy, in which Tammy tries to defend telling Peter about Kelsey's emotional roller coaster (and also reveals that she doesn't know where Iowa is), Kelsey decides to drop by Peter's hotel room before the upcoming cocktail party and rose ceremony to clear some things up. She admits to Peter that, yes, she got a little tipsy and sad about him riding away with another woman, but she's not a drunk – and she certainly doesn't pop pills as Tammy gossiped early. Peter busts out his best Joel Embiid impression and tells her to #TrustTheProcess, and the two snuggle and look out Peter's window for an outstanding view of Costa Rica.

Good for them ... UNTIL Peter decided to learn NOTHING from JUST TWO HOURS AGO and pull a rose literally out of his ass to give to Kelsey. Peter: This entire house of women was just furious at you for giving Alayah a rose for breaking the rules and working outside the parameters of the show ... AND SO YOU DO IT AGAIN!? It's amazing that no one has walked off this show yet. The man excels at rewarding bad behavior.

Strangely enough, I feel bad for Kelsey in this, too. Sure, I imagine she went over to Peter's place with the hopes that he'd grant her a rose at some point – but Peter REALLY put her in a bad spot by giving her a rose prior to the rose ceremony. If you want to give her a rose, YOU HAVE A CEREMONY FOR THAT! Nobody is going to grumble if you give it to her there. But by doing it beforehand, you are cruelly setting her up to be murdered by the other women. And indeed, while no blood is shed, they are displeased.

So, of course, Peter – a captain of awareness – then decides to cancel the cocktail party and jump straight into the rose ceremony. Jesus, he really DOES want these women to murder Kelsey, doesn't he?! So now, he's given a woman a rose before the ceremony and then cancelled everyone else's chance to talk with him after rewarding a woman for cutting outside the rules. Again. So Kelsey looks terrified, and Mykenna is having yet another crying fit, making her one champagne bottle away from basically being Canadian Kelsey. And Tammy is mad as hell – and after seeing the football episode and pillow fight, I would not want to be around Rage Tammy.

She's harrumph-y at Kelsey for all the obvious reasons, but Kelsey retorts that, after she's been going around saying she's unstable and a drunk and a pill-popper, she had a right to defend herself – plus that was never something Peter needed to know, a point that everyone else in the room agrees with. And amazingly, this is where things turn for Tammy, once the people's champion but now a drama queen of the worst variety. Listen, I get it: Kelsey's A LOT. But that's for Peter to decide, not for you to be gossiping about mental states and abusing drugs. And Tammy looked REALLY bad when she said somebody else started the pill-popping rumor, but when somebody challenged her on who she heard it from, she immediately went into, "Uhhhh, EJECT TOPIC!" mode. Somehow Sydney gets involved too (a three-hour episode requiring three hours worth of wine did not help the note-taking process!), and F-words begin to fly. All I know is, amazingly, Hannah Anna Fo Fannah ends up being the most relatable person in the entire building, looking down at the chaos from a balcony and saying, "I want to know, but I don't want to know." I wish I didn't, Hannah Ann Dapper Dan.

But no matter, it's time for the rose ceremony. OR IS IT – because right before the first rose, Tammy "can I steal him for a secs" him away from the podium so she can ask questions about his earlier conversation with Kelsey and if any of that changed his mind. They return, and now it's time for the rose ceremony ... OR. IS. IT. Because now it's Mykenna's turn to steal him away because, dammit, she didn't put on body glitter to NOT talk to him. Mykenna is high-key the worst, just as emotional and high-strung as Kelsey but without any of the hilarious champagne to the face. And now she, as Lexi puts quite rightly, has turned the rose ceremony into a cocktail party.

Thankfully, Mykenna's the last one to steal Peter away, and it's finally time for roses. OR IS IT!? Yes, it actually is. And – shock of all shocks – the final rose goes to Tammy because "Bachelor" producers are strong and influential people. I look forward to her inevitable two-on-one date with Kelsey or Sydney. Lexi says her goodbyes – I'll miss her; she always seemed like she'd just smoked a bowl off-camera – and so does Shiann, but not before rolling one final grenade into the house as she whispers to Peter during their final embrace that SOME PEOPLE IN THE HOUSE ARE NOT WHAT THEY SEEM! And then ... she leaves. Hooey, I say. Hooey! You don't just get to say that and scamper away. Either bring some names and some receipts, or don't bother. You're no better than the rest of the drama queens you're attempting to rat out.

But knowing Peter's mashed potato spine, I'm sure he'll take this half-revelation well on Wednesday. Maybe he'll bring Alayah back again! With Peter, anything is possible – as long as it's not smart.


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