"The Bachelor" Rose Rundown: Colton goes on hometowns, doesn't go over a fence
I don't know if this counts as a hot take or anything but here we go: Hometown date week on "The Bachelor" is always a bore.
It's the same almost-drama repeated four times over, just with people who didn't ask to be here: Our leading man comes into a new town, they do a quirky thing, he meets the family and while one member – usually a dad or father figure, but if we're looking for a twist, maybe the producers will go with an older sister – isn't convinced he or she is ready, by the end of the night, he snags their blessing for potential marriage anyways. It's almost as predictable as a "Whiskey Cavalier" ad playing during every single commercial break. Or Colton taking ANOTHER shower. I GET IT; THE MAN HATES GERMS!
Caelynn is the episode's first date, bringing Colton to Fredericksburg, Virginia, home of an ice cream stand and also the world's slowest horse and carriage. Unfortunately, Colton and Caelynn decide to use said buggy to get around town, ambling around while they have A-grade mundane conversations about how Caelynn's mom used to draw blood in the city. And to think people want this woman to be the next "Bachelorette." Listen, she seems nice enough, but boy does she come off as a sleepy bore on the show – a bad trait for the star of a TV show, in my opinion! But what do I know?
After spending 14 days riding the horse and buggy, Colton and Caelynn finally make it to her family's house, where they're tossing a delightful-looking barbecue. Her father figure seems visibly uncomfortable and awkward about all of the couple's PDA, but after been told repeatedly how important he is to Caelynn and what a great and important job he's done being there when her biological dad wasn't, he warms up to the duo and eventually gives Colton his blessing. See, we're hitting all the usual marks here. At the end of the day, Caelynn tells Colton that she's in love with him, and Colton responds with getting into a car and leaving. NOT SURE THAT'S A GOOD SIGN!
But before we can focus on that too much, we're off to Birmingham, Alabama, home of the Alliance of American Football's Birmingham Iron – which will come very much as a surprise to the city of Birmingham!
Hannah "can't wait to show (Colton) what the South is all about," which is not a double entendre, and for their hometown date's quirky pre-family activity, they head to an etiquette class. Colton looks delighted. He does some typical "My Fair Lady" stuff, like walking with a book on his head for posture (he does great, but I call shenanigans; he has that little gelled-up lip in the front of his head. SHENANIGANS I SAY!) and going through table manners. At one point, he's asked how to butter one's bread, and he begins cutting a roll in half. Seems right ... but then he gets BLESS YOUR HEARTED! The teacher then explains that one is actually supposed to tear bits of bread off their roll and butter each individual bite. WHAT IS THIS TOMFOOLERY!? Colton is baffled, and I HAVE NEVER RELATED TO HIM MORE. This is why you lost the Civil War, the South.
That was all fun, but now it's back to the requisite hometown date story beats. Colton and Hannah G. meet the family, where her mom is displeased and unimpressed ... until Colton chats with her a little bit and he gets her and her father's blessing. Hannah says she's falling in love at the end of the night, and Colton says it back. UH OH, CAELYNN! Also, at the end of the episode, it's revealed that Hannah, um, raps, and with the help of her dad dropping a sick beat – not sick as in cool, but sick as in causing physical illness – she spits some verses about eating dinner. It's the whitest thing since the Oscars giving "Green Book" Best Picture.
Thankfully, Tayshia's up next, who immediately blindfolds Colton. (It's less kinky than it sounds.) Unless there's invisible monsters running around her hometown causing people to commit suicide, I'm not sure why you need to blindfold Colton since he's a stranger in a strange town, but hey, it's a shtick – which eventually reveals that they're going sky diving. Apparently this is her payback for Colton forcing her to bungie jump ... but considering Tayshia is doing it as well, I'm not sure she understands the concept of revenge. Colton's terrified – which is weird because I was told at least 27 times that his greatest fear was, in the end, proposing to somebody who's not actually interested in him and getting rejected. Anyways, once again, Colton looks thrilled to be there.
The duo does actually jump out of the plane, and Colton screams because he doesn't want to die a virgin. This "Mission Impossible: Fallout" remake is quite something. But wait, we're jumping out of planes BUT WE HAVEN'T JUMPED THE FRIGGIN' FENCE YET?! "The Bachelor," you are testing me and trolling me, and I do not appreciate it.
Back on solid ground, Colton meets Tayshia's family, including her dad who is very protective considering she's already been hurt and divorced in the past for jumping into a relationship and engagement too fast. He pecks away at Colton with real questions, asking if he's having these kind of intense, love-centric conversations with the other women he's dating. Colton admits that he does and then asks for her dad's blessing – which he denies. WHAT A TWIST! In fairness to Tayshia's dad, he's got a good point: HE JUST MET YOU. The two have dated for a mere month – while, during that time, he's been seeing 29 other people – and he's literally just met Colton. So yeah, maybe we take some time. But apparently by "time," we mean a half hour, because by the end of the night, the dad caves and gives Colton his blessing after all. COWARD!
Which takes us to our final hometown date with Cassie on Huntington Beach. And when you're on the beach, you're legally obliged to go surfing. Colton isn't exactly the second coming of Laird Hamiltoin, but at least he doesn't scream about dying a virgin so he leaves with his dignity here. At the casa de Cassie, her family – specifically her dad – has intense conversations about whether or not she's truly ready for an engagement. And when it comes time to ask for his blessing, her dad nixes Colton's request, also saying that he barely knows him and that he's dating three other women so if he picks Cassie and believes they're ready for the next step, then he can ask again. Honestly, that's the only fair response. He also doesn't cave in later, so A-PLUS FOR YOU, CASSIE'S DAD!
Finally, we reach the rose ceremony – complete with every possible incandescent light bulb available at the nearby Home Depot dangling from the ceiling. Hannah gets the first rose, so my bet that she's winning this thing is looking better and better. Tayshia gets the second rose, leaving Caelynn and Cassie – the two supposed ones there for the wrong reasons – as the final duo. You'd think it would be Cassie getting the axe, since her hometown date went the worst of the bunch, but TWIST, Cassie snags the carnation, sending Caelynn home despite the fact that she says she saw the two getting engaged, she admits afterward. I'm sure some people are now pitching her as the next "Bachelorette," but again, she just seems too dull to carry the show. Then again, I thought the same thing about Colton, and I've rather liked him and his season – so what do I know?
Here's what I know: Fantasy suites are next week, and Hannah, Tayshia and Cassie want to jump Colton's bones REAL BAD. Meanwhile, America wants COLTON TO JUMP A FREAKING FENCE ALREADY! We'll see which long-delayed event actually happens next week.
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