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Colton, pictured here not jumping over a fence.

"The Bachelor" Rose Rundown: OK, so when is Colton hopping this freaking fence?

Another week, another distinct lack of handsome virgins jumping fences. Listen here, ABC; I'm here to watch other people get their hearts toyed with, not my own. "The Bachelor" faithful were even lied to on social media. WHO LIES ON SOCIAL MEDIA?! While there was drama this week, none of it involved Colton doing the Lambeau Leap – and even though there was plenty of jumping, all of it was to conclusions, not over fences. HOW DARE YOU!

Sorry, getting a bit stressed out – and so is Colton, who is still doing his best Hercule Poirot impression and attempting to suss out those who are there for the dreaded Wrong Reasons. And did you know that Colton's greatest fear is, in the end, proposing to somebody who's not actually interested in him and getting rejected? Because Colton's greatest fear is, in the end, proposing to somebody who's not actually interested in him and getting rejected.

And is that the same joke from last week? YES IT IS – because Colton still can't go more than ten minutes without making sure somebody knows that this is his greatest fear and that he's terrified. AND WHERE'S THE FRIGGIN' FENCE?! Again, getting stressed here – but luckily Colton, the ladies and we audience members are headed off to Denver, Colorado, where we can find a dispensary, spark up a massive joint and calm right the heck down about everything.

OK, so that doesn't happen – but there is a dog! Puppies work too!

After introducing the remaining ladies to his pupper, Colton gives his first date to Tayshia. The two go out for oysters (thankfully not Rocky Mountain oysters), wine and ice cream before hitting ... the grocery store? Yes, the usual on-set chef must've gotten the night off because Colton and Tayshia are cooking their own romantic dinner – and apparently Disney princess-shaped SpaghettiOs don't count as romantic.

When they're not seasoning salmon, the two talk about their fathers and what each one should expect if and when they meet their families – but that's not the meaty part of this date. No, Tayshia spills some tea, saying that she knows which ladies aren't there for the right reasons, but she doesn't want to name names because she's not a tattletale. But then she's like, "Eff that," and immediately names names: Caelynn and Cassie, two front runners. HMMM HOW CONVENIENT! Again, this is only drama because Colton is the most easily manipulated man in possibly the entire country, losing his mind because jilted women with nothing to lose dropped some shade on their way off the show. I bet Colton's fallen for the Nigerian prince email scam. Anyways, Tayshia wears a Colton football jersey and gets a rose.

Now it's Caelynn's turn for a solo date – and she's got questions to answer ... but only after snowboarding for a bit through the Rockies. And by snowboarding, I mean falling a lot. After hitting the powder quite literally, Colton hits Caelynn with Tayshia's accusation of not being in this for love and instead just wanting to be "The Bachelorette," and NOW HER NAME AND HER HEART ARE ON THE LINE. And also it's VERY BORING.

Listen, Caelynn seems like a very nice person, and I doubt she's only here for "The Bachelorette" because she appears genuine ... and also because a season of "The Bachelorette" starring her would be painfully uninteresting. She's demonstrated very little personality beyond "nice" this season – though part of the blame probably goes to ABC, who makes sure the final contenders for their star's heart are blanded down as much as possible. But they couldn't even get her to properly tiff with a beauty pageant rival! Rachel and Becca stood out in their seasons because they had spunk and charisma; so far, Caelynn hasn't shown that star potential.

Again, she also seems genuine, especially when denying to Colton that she's there for duplicitous reasons. And he believes her, tossing her a rose at the end of the night and then taking her to a private concert at Red Rocks from Brett Young – who, weirdly enough, I've heard of before tonight. "THE BACHELOR" BOOKING AN ACTUALLY NOTEWORTHY MUSICIAN?! WHAT IN THE WORLD!? Sure, it seems cute, but I just kept thinking about the poor lighting guy who was stuck putting together a full show for an audience of just two people.

Miss Bama scores the final solo date before hometowns – but Colton figures why wait until then to introduce Hannah Beast to the rest of the Underwoods when we could do it now. One person gets a private country show in a gorgeous setting, one person gets a romantic dinner and one gets grilled by relatives. FUN! She gets asked why she only wanted to do "The Bachelor" for Colton; he gets asked about why he likes her. (Answer: She's incredible and amazing. NOT PARTICULARLY DESCRIPTIVE, COLTON!)

Anyways, it's seemed pretty obvious to me through this whole "who's not ready" mole hunt that the other women were probably talking about Miss Bama, who can occasionally come off a little flighty and goofy. And those things are just not allowed when COLTON'S HEART IS AT STAKE. He apparently agrees because, during a romantic dinner inside an aircraft hangar – because nothing says romance like an echoing grey building with a bunch of planes dangling around inside – Colton cuts ties with Hannah Beast.

She says she's falling in love with him again, and he just can't meet her there, even though he thought of her enough to introduce her to his parents. Plus, for as much time as he spends concerned about not picking a woman who is actually interested in him, it feels odd to then kick off a woman for being too interested in him. She's confused ... and so am I, kind of. SHE ATE WEIRD SH*T FOR YOU, COLTON! You tricked her into eating a grub AND YOU STABBED HER IN THE BACK!

In the end, she leaves with her own variation of a "somebody's here for the wrong reasons" warning, but in classic Miss Bama fashion, it's clumsy and kind of awkward.

So with Miss Bama gone and Caelynn and Tayshia holding roses, that leaves two more carnations up for grabs between four women – Hannah G., Kirpa, Heather and Cassie – on the final group date before hometowns. Well, three women because Heather very quickly commits reality show seppuku and tells Colton that she's not emotionally ready to introduce him to her family. So Colton puts her on a train home. He's standing, watching her roll off into the mountains; she's on the back of the train, THIIIIS CLOSE to reaching her hand out to him like a 1950s romance movie. It's very melodramatic.

And then there were three – and in case that's not enough drama, Cassie still has to clear her name thanks to Tayshia's accusations. Speaking of which, back at the homestead, Caelynn confronts Tayshia about her claims – and Tayshia kind of just made it all up? She says that Caelynn and Cassie got defensive and panicked after Colton told them about a traitor in the house, and that seemed guilty ... which is a lot different from the very specific words she claimed she heard. Tayshia made it sound like the two girls who were not ready were facts, but based on her defense, it sure sounds more like opinion. And like words were put into another's mouth.

Kirpa, too, is ailing from a case of confusing assumptions for facts, as she tells Colton that she concurs with Tayshia's diagnosis of Cassie and Caelynn being unready for commitment and only there for fame. Again, the only evidence she actually has is rumors, hearsay and some mildly odd behavior – but this is 2019; facts are for cowards. So Cassie has to defend her honor, tearing up about the whole situation while also getting testy with Kirpa about reporting rumors as reality. All the while, Hannah G. is having a VERY uncomfortable time on this group date, and she would VERY much like to be excused from this narrative. Thankfully, Colton gives her an out before the evening's dinner, handing her one of the two final roses.

So it's Cassie v Kirpa: Dawn of Hometowns. My money on the winner is on the one who's had a consistent speaking part this entire season so far and didn't get her one noteworthy moment turned into a deleted scene on YouTube. But before we get to the very obvious climax, Caelynn decides she wants in on this non-drama and makes a surprise visit during their dinner date to vaguely tell Colton that Kirpa is wrong. And while this may sound very exciting and intriguing, it's actually remarkably dull. Caelynn can't even make this break with "Bachelor" procedure interesting. DEMI WOULD'VE KILLED THIS MOMENT, AND YOU KNOW IT! So now that that's over, yeah, Kirpa gets the axe. At least she got a busted chin out of this whole adventure. That's ... something.

We now have our final four: Hannah G., Cassie, Caelynn and Tayshia. If I was a betting man, I'd put all my cash (that's right; all $17) down on Hannah G. coming away the winner. She's had no drama around her, she got the First Impression rose, Colton seems very into her and the show's pulled the "we'll just ignore her for a bit so hopefully the audience forgets that she's a contender" bit with her. I'm all in on her winning. But who knows what we'll find during hometowns. One thing's for sure: WE BETTER FIND A FRIGGIN' FENCE.


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