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Colton made his debut as "The Bachelor" on Monday night. (PHOTO: Twitter/The Bachelor)

"The Bachelor" Rose Rundown: The season premiere needed more season premiere

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In the words of the immortal poet Stefon, Colton's first night as "The Bachelor" had everything: babies, a proposal, hot tubs, ANOTHER proposal, a human sloth. A lot happened during the season premiere of "The Bachelor" ... just not much of it involving the season premiere of "The Bachelor," instead loading its three-hour debut with filler – and loading yours truly with wine.

Over the past two seasons of recapping "The Bachelorette" and "Bachelor in Paradise," I think I've made my feelings about Colton pretty clear. His dramas (and tear ducts) were exhaustingly rung our long ago, and he's just a boring dude, the Chad-iest of Becca's cavalcade of Chads. Add in the virgin subplot that the show wasn't exactly deft with – it constantly flip-flopped somewhere between tittering about it and congratulating itself for not tittering about it; meanwhile, for a guy who didn't want to talk about it, he sure let THIS happen ...

And yeah, I was not looking forward to more adventures with Colton Underwood: Human Wallpaper Paste.

But somewhere between the 27th or 28th time watching the preview for the new season, I began to feel hope. There was Colton bouncing over a fence and attempting to flee from the show. And there was Colton standing like a goober in front of "The Bachelor" logo, trying to look all studly and handsome but instead silently screaming, "I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT TO DO WITH MY ARMS!" in between fidgets. Throw in contestant "jobs" like "sloth" and "Cinderella," and I suddenly felt renewed sense of confidence, with one thought ringing in my brain: We were on the precipice of a terrific hate watch – and dammit, I was kind of excited about it.

And then the season premiere started ... sans any of the season premiere.

Seriously, for a three-hour show, maybe only two-thirds of that was actually a new episode of "The Bachelor." The other hour consisted of live shots across the nation at parties, hosted by Chris Harrison and various other "Bachelor" "celebs." I HAVE NO INTEREST IN WATCHING PEOPLE WATCHING THE SHOW I'M TRYING TO WATCH. It was a whole big waste of time, featuring not one but two randos getting married, an unwelcome Nick Viall cameo and poor Annaliese standing in every single crowd shot yet never being acknowledged by Harrison. That's the meanest thing to happen to her on this show since everything that's ever happened to her on this show.

Occasionally there was a cute bit. The montage of "Bachelor" babies was charming – partly because babies are always cute and partly because one of the teenage kids seemed SUPER disappointed his parents met on a reality show – but it was weird that these people were so eager for Colton to have a baby. Putting the cart before the horse here a bit much? The Chris Harrison supercut was fun, too – if only to remember the sleazy "Wolf of Wall Street"-looking dudes the show started with.

But those moments were lost in between cutaways to Krystal and Chris R. in a hot tub, providing insights like "This is a hot tub" and "We're getting a dog." (Also: His name is Chris R. NOBODY CALLS HIM GOOSE. STOP TRYING TO MAKE FETCH HAPPEN!) The show would then needlessly hop to Park City for a watch party – because when I think parties, I think Utah – then Lansing, Michigan for another watch party serving up virgin cocktails, then OH MY GOD WE'RE 15 MINUTES IN AND LITERALLY NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. The entire first hour of the premiere featured more people talking about people watching "The Bachelor" than any actual watching of "The Bachelor" – and "Bachelor" episodes longer than two hours are a bad idea to begin with. The brain can only handle so much before it begins to shut down for its own health and preservation.

Speaking of health, if you were playing a drinking game last night for every time somebody made a virgin joke or reference, thank you for reading this recap from the afterlife because you're definitely dead from alcohol poisoning. I started at the beginning, but after two "He's got something to lose" jokes in the first three minutes, I had to stop or my night would end with eating charcoal.

Finally, "The Bachelor" began to emerge from all the noise, cameos and virgin jokes. We met the star of the show, who the producers DESPERATELY want the audience to know is VERY MANLY and SEXY despite all the NOT SEX he's been up to. The entire introductory sequence was basically two long lingering shots of him showering without a shirt on, followed by a TOUGH, COOL workout where he was flipping big tires and slapping ropes against the ground and eating beef and chopping down a big tree and other big, strong manly things. Overcompensate much, TV show? But the important thing is that, while things went bad for him before, and though he knows some people aren't fans on him, he's ready to find love.

So let's meet some ladies.

There's Miss Alabama who's "a total trainwreck." I would maybe not lead with that information. Nothing says smart choices like getting married on television to a self-professed disaster! When she's not winning pageants and apparently being a mess, Hannah ponders Colton's virginity in the woods. Fellow virgin Heather also has his V-card in mind as she stares and paws at a photo she once took with Colton. THIS IS HOW A HORROR MOVIE STARTS. If women start disappearing for no reason from the mansion, Heather definitely did it.

There's Nicole from Miami, whose parents tell her Colton's "better looking than Brad Pitt." Bad news, Nicole: Your parents are liars. Kirpa is a dental hygienist (of course) who talks to her patients while she's digging around in their faces, so she's the worst. Then there's Demi, a grown woman who says "vroom vroom" on four-wheelers and makes confusing cake metaphors. Time to start dropping them all off at the mansion for Colton's judgment and inspection. ROMANCE!

First one out of the limo is Adult Baby Demi. I believe being the first one out of the limo is a good thing; there's probably stats about that, but if I knew statistics about "The Bachelor," I'd jump out the nearest window. Anyways, Demi tells Colton that she hasn't dated a virgin since she was 12. Great? He says nice things, turns around to watch her go into the mansion and says, "He's in trouble," because that's what the script says. Heather is next, but she doesn't get a turn-around line from Colton. YOU'RE DOOMED, HEATHER!

The cavalcade continues with Nicole, who busts out some Spanish for Colton. She proceeds to get a lot of camera time throughout the evening, which either means she'll be around for a while or she's on the verge of a mental breakdown. Likely both. Also scoring a lot of face time is Caelynn, a fellow pageant winner from North Carolina. There's an NBA dancer and a woman named Cassie who makes a great pun involving butterflies and a Canadian contestant called Caitlin who pops Colton's (balloon) cherry. Well, that doesn't seem very Canadian of you! That aside, I'm a big fan of just about every woman who showed up Monday night. They all seem fun and smart (and almost diverse by "Bachelor" standards!) with notable personalities that don't feel too much like PERSONALITIES put in all caps for TV. Whereas on "The Bachelorette," all the assorted Chads get real bro-y and defensive and posturing, the women here just drink wine and chat and make self-depreciating commentary.

Also, one woman shows up in a sloth costume.

Better yet, Colton is WAY TOO EXCITED ABOUT IT FOR AN ADULT HUMAN. She's so slow, when "The Bachelor" heads to commercials, it comes back to her still making her way to Colton from the limo. If we hadn't already wasted an hour watching randos get married, maybe I'd be as delighted as Colton was about Sloth Lady.

Who else? Courtney brings a peach, because she's from Georgia and not because she's got sexy "Call Me By Your Name"-inspired ideas for Colton. A woman named Erika gives him a big ol' tube of nuts, which she eventually feels really down about because it's not showy enough. The guy needs snacks! IT'S A HEALTHY PROTEIN! Miss Alabama shows up and already there's tension between her and Miss North Carolina. I hope one of them was Miss Congeniality! One lady pulls up in a police car, while another pulls out "Love Actually" cue cards because she's sick and dying. There's so much going on we barely even have time to process that there's a fake Australian named Bri. At some point, I assume she dropped the accent and confessed that she was a liar, but there's so much stuff packed in this episode, we don't even have time to truly process and appreciate that weirdness. Thank god we spent 15 minutes boiling Chris the Goose in a hot tub.

Jane shows up with a photo of her and Colton's dogs – a cute idea that gets totally upstaged when the next contestant, Catherine, shows up with an actual dog: her puppy child named Lucy. And what does she do with her child? IMMEDIATELY ABANDONS HER. Just drops it in Colton's arms and is like, "Where's the wine bar?" Then Colton ditches Lucy onto Harrison's to-do list, and now he's walking the dog around the mansion. BAD PARENTING, CATHERINE! That Pomeranian definitely pooped somewhere in the mansion, and I hope nobody ever finds it.

Oh, and finally there's a woman named Erin who is so extra her profession is "Cinderella" – with the horse-drawn carriage to match. She ain't lasting.

So now it's time for the drama to begin ... allegedly. I wonder if the show blasted the season premiere with all those live parties, cast reunions and clip shows because, well, the ladies are all pretty drama-free to start things off. Demi snags Colton right off the bat for one-on-one time, but that barely registers as tension – the girls harrumph a little bit, but they've probably never seen the show before. Otherwise, the only drama for most of the time is Miss North Carolina scoring the first kiss while also noting she lived in Virginia until a year ago. Miss North Carolina just moved there?! I CALL SHENANIGANS!

Hannah G. uses her one-on-one time to ask Colton if there's similarities between football and being on "The Bachelor," and he says that's true. Indeed, both do take their toll on the human brain. Meanwhile, one contestant goes fishing with Colton in the mansion's pool, another creates an amusement park and Sloth Girl is just putzing around on a tree branch. However, she eventually takes off the costume and reveals her true identity. COWARD! COMMIT TO THE BIT! Shark/Dolphin Girl, you are not.

Thankfully, drama beyond "Will Sloth Girl get stuck in that tree all night?" shows up thanks to bad dog mom Catherine. Her one-on-one time gets dive-bombed by a fellow contestant, so she REVERSE DIVE-BOMBS her with a "Can I steal him quick?" And I hope you like that question, because Catherine proceeds to ask it about three more times, each time blocking out a new woman trying to get her precious alone time with Colton. Everybody say it with me: She is not there to make friends (or to take care of her dog). Still, as far as "Bachelor" beefs go, this one's fairly undercooked. Catherine's a tame villain as of now – definitely no Jordan or Corinne – so this drama is a no-show. Everyone's very eager for her to not get a rose at the ceremony. I WONDER WHAT WILL HAPPEN!

As for the rose ceremony, Hannah G. gets to relax since she snagged the first impression rose – a bit of a surprise considering Caelynn's kiss and plentiful camera time but a pleasant pick. Caelynn, of course, still gets a rose, the first one of the ceremony. (Again, I feel like the stats say that's a good thing, but I also feel like knowing that stat would profoundly depress me.)

Miss Alabama joins Miss North Carolina in the next episode, along with an adorably shocked Caitlin From Canada and Annie – who's technically a Sconnie girl from Mequon! WOO WISCONSIN! She knows how many points a touchdown's worth, so obviously you can take the girl out of Packer Country but not the Packer Country out of the girl. Bri the Not Australian also snags a carnation, as well as – I don't know if you'll be able to believe this – Catherine, who gets the final rose. You win this round, producers. Meanwhile, Sloth Girl goes home. SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T COMMIT TO THE COSTUME?! We're learning valuable lessons here today.

The most valuable lesson, however? Don't bog down your season premiere with filler and futzing around. There's a lot I liked about this first episode – the women all seem fun, with not much drama yet but definitely seeds planted, and Colton seems like the kind of affable goober who I will start calling my Large Adult Bachelor Son with endearment – but you had to wait around far too long to get to it. But I suppose waiting and patience are the big themes for Colton's season. TAKE ONE LAST VIRGIN JOKE DRINK!


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