"The Bachelor" Rose Rundown: Colton's season fails to stick the landing
Well, that was bad.
Before I get too enraged and this entire recap turns into a caps lock nightmare, let's get this out of the way: I actually liked this season of "The Bachelor" a lot more than I expected. Colton turned out to be a charmingly earnest leading man, he jumped a fence, Demi was a delightful firecracker of drama, Colton jumped a freaking fence, there seemed to be moments where the show actively tried to deviate at least a little from its tired formula and, most important, Colton hopped a mother flipping fence in the rare instance of a highly anticipated "Bachelor" moment being completely worth it.
But then these last two nights happened – and boy, there's not sticking the landing and then there's landing so poorly that your femurs explode through your knee caps and you'll never walk again. There's face-planting and then there's landing on your face so hard that people can tell whether the floor was natural wood or a laminate by looking at you. It was a two-night finale that made me retroactively dislike this season AND made me terrified about the upcoming season of "The Bachelorette." KILLING TWO SEASONS WITH ONE STONE! Frankly, I'm impressed.
The big issue, as is normally the case with this show, is that they clearly didn't have enough drama and footage to fill four hours of television this week. Maybe they had enough for a three-hour finale on Monday night. Maybe they could've divvied it up into a two-hour episode ending with Colton and Cassie getting together – and possibly getting it on – with a one-hour live catch-up special the next night. But instead, Harrison and company went with the worst option: four hours so painfully stretched out so you wonder if the editing equipment was just one of those torture racks from medieval history. How desperate was Tuesday night's finale of the finale for content? Air Supply showed up. Not even Air Supply knows why Air Supply was there.
Other than that, it was fine, I guess. Wait, no it wasn't; it was really awkward and bad!
To the show's credit, it jumped right into the action with Colton arriving at Cassie's apartment to make his final plea for her heart. She opens the door super-smiley and the two hold hands while walking toward their conversation spot and ... is this a second take? Did they already get back together, but the cameras weren't on so they had to do it all again? Anyways, she seems genuinely amazed and overwhelmed and – this should come as no shock – confused that Colton blew up his other relationships so he could exclusively pursue a life with her. Not marriage right now, he says, but a second chance to take things day by day. SEEMS LIKE A STRONG IDEA! But Cassie is still wildly confused and confuddled because her spine is still constructed of overcooked linguini. She doesn't want him to give anything up for her, but Colton responds that, duh, that's part of a relationship. Kids these days.
His proclamation of love seems to be working, slowly yet surely, but he decides that he wants to not just tell her that he loves her, but he wants to show her as well. No, he's not pulling out his little Underwood; instead, he wants to take Cassie to Spain, where Colton's family is conveniently waiting for them. Because after I've broken somebody's heart on television, that's definitely the time when I want to meet his family. But Cassie, a brave soul, agrees to more free vacation in Europe.
Meanwhile, back at the studio, Harrison eagerly previews for the 47th time that "there's a chance he could lose his virginity," much to the absolute disinterest of the live audience. Every time the show cuts to him, Harrison is like "Could tonight be the night he finally has sex?" with a three-second dramatic pause for the audience to oooh and aaah ... and instead he's met with awkward silence, because he's a grown man way too eager for another man to boink. Somebody watched "The 40-Year-Old Virgin" for the first time recently on Netflix and learned the completely wrong lessons from it!
Speaking of which, in Spain, Colton meets up with his family and happily announces that he's no longer a virgin! WHAT?! WHEN DID THIS HAPPEN!? AND WHY WOULD YOU TELL YOUR ... oh, it's a joke? Well that is a tremendously awkward joke. I too like to have a chuckle about my very public sex life (or lack thereof) with my parents. The Underwoods are having a real normal one today. But if you thought that was awkward, we've still got to introduce Cassie to the family – and in a startling turn of events, she's uncertain and indecisive. YOU TWO MAKE RELATIONSHIPS SEEM EXHAUSTING! Listen, relationships are hard work ... but they're not THIS difficult! This whole season has built to two people falling in love on a reality show who seem like they should not be falling in love on a reality show.
And it would seem Colton's family agrees, as everyone tosses Cassie a gorgeous bouquet of stink faces during their first meeting. For one, Cassie and Colton haven't talked or dated since getting back together. So that's an interesting strategy. Meanwhile, Colton's dad argues to his son that "there's no backup" if this goes wrong. I'm sorry; can Colton ... not date other people if this doesn't work? If one fails to find love on "The Bachelor," is it like "The Lobster" and they get turned into an animal? THERE IS LIFE AND OTHER PEOPLE OUTSIDE OF THIS RATHER UNHEALTHY DATING SIMULATION! Anyways, Colton can't be talked out of Cassie – even when his family is convinced that maybe it's just because he wants what he suddenly realizes he can't have. Or maybe he has CTE from his football days. No matter the case, my big takeaway from this meeting is that Colton and his dad have the same wardrobe. I am clearly deeply invested in how this relationship turns out.
The two go on their first date as a newly undemolished couple, which involves a leap of faith down a cliff to their picnic. Except it's not a leap of faith and instead it's just safely rock climbing. YOU HAD A PERFECTLY GOOD METAPHOR, SHOW, AND YOU BLEW IT. The two make it to their blanket, where they have chats about love and relationships. Cassie explains that she was in a controlling relationship in college that messed up her feelings toward things and how much one should have to give in a couple. In the end, she decides that she's "coming to terms" with falling in love with Colton – which does not sound great! That's the way people talk about a bad haircut, not a person they're possibly going to spend the rest of their life with.
Honestly, I spent this whole scene just waiting for her dad to just dive-bomb this date from the sky, yelling, "IS THIS REALLY WHAT YOU WANT?!" Unfortunately, Mr. Cassie's Dad never makes a cameo ... but we do get a cheap plug for ABC's sitcom "Single Parents." (Hey, at least it's not the 3,918th ad for "Whiskey Cavalier.") It's been better days for Blair Waldorf.
Later on, the two have dinner – which is to say that they sit at a table with food on plates in front of them, but they never actually eat the damn stuff. EXHAUSTING. The only thing more exhausting is trying to keep up with Cassie's emotional state, though she's finally starting to feel confident and ready to commit to dating Colton. Jesus, this was a lot of work. These two goobers probably deserve each other.
And now, the moment Harrison and Harrison alone has been waiting for: the fantasy suite. In one of the show's only fun moments, Colton cutely shoos the camera crew out of the hotel room and shuts the door ... only to remember their microphones and smartly hand those over to the producers as well so that they truly have the night alone. THIS HAS ESCALATED QUICKLY! About a day ago, Cassie seemed convinced that she would never be on the same level with Colton. Now, they're getting down to business. What a weird relationship. I'm glad they're on the same page finally; I look forward to three weeks from now when Cassie decides that, once again, she's not.
But nowhere near as weird as what Harrison does next: HE SUMMONS A PANEL OF "BACHELOR" REJECTS TO DISCUSS COLTON HAVING SEX. I repeat: This is a grown-ass man talking to six – SIX! – fellow grownups, breaking down a guy possibly having sex on national television like it's the NFL Draft combine. Yes, because I really need Jason, Demi, Onyeka, Ben, Sydney and THE FREAKING GOD DAMN GOOSE's take on Colton potentially having sex. Just say you don't have footage and move forward, Harrison. I've known middle school boys less obsessed with sex than you, man.
Cue to bees. Cue the birds. Cue a gag that "The Bachelor" already wasted last week with his fantasy suite with Tayshia. Colton says he feels like a new man – but he's back to showering, so how new could he be? Colton plays all coy with the producers who DESPERATELY want to know if he boinked. It's all frankly creepy now – but I suppose the show is over! The two are happily together; Harrison's job here is done. Unfortunately, we have 40 more minutes to waste, so we bring the couple out to the live studio to talk about their life since the show. Harrison tries to get more information out of the two about their sex lives much to the yawning boredom of the crowd. Colton makes things official and gives Cassie the final rose. And for some odd reason, Air Supply is there. I still give them six months.
It's a shame this season ended on such a damp squib – but thankfully hope and new seasons of this show spring eternal; thus it's time to introduce the new star of "The Bachelorette." And surprising no one, it's Hannah B. aka Miss Bama. I suppose! Her Women Tell All interview with Harrison played like an audition, complete with a search for a catchphrase, and she was one of three people this past season with personality. Demi can't be "The Bachelorette" because she's going to "Bachelor in Paradise" and may never leave, while Tayshia can't be "The Bachelorette" because this show only allows itself to have a black lead once every 20 years. So Miss Bama it is! She was ... odd during Colton's season, but maybe odd could make for some interesting and entertaining "Bachelorette" drama!
Or ... not.
If the final 30 minutes of Tuesday's finale was supposed to get people to watch Hannah B.'s season, well, somebody should've told Hannah B. The woman couldn't form a complete sentence to save her life – and it's not like Harrison is Christiane Amanpour, asking intense questions about the state of the Middle East. He's asking, "Are you excited to be 'The Bachelorette'?" and "What's your name?" Here's a transcript of every single answer:
"................ um .................... I ................... (*I die of boredom and awkwardness*) .................... I'm excited?"
I swear my soul ripped itself out of my body from discomfort. Perhaps in the hopes of jogging Hannah's memory of the English language, Harrison surprises his new star with her first five contestants. Because if there's one way to loosen somebody up on national television, it's to force her into small talk and speed dating with strangers.
A pair of eyebrows named Luke is first. He looks like a police sketch of every single "Bachelorette" contestant who's ever existed. Pass. Then there's Dustin, who might be the first "Bachelorette" contestant to have a nose ring. Truly groundbreaking stuff going on. He brings out champagne for Hannah, so he's the obvious winner. A guy named Cam comes out, who seems fine until he does his best Hannah G. impression and starts rapping. I physically died. Pass. A 12-year-old named Connor comes out. His parents DEFINITELY got arrested this week for being a part of the college admissions scandal. And last but not least is ... Nick Viall?
Don't you have Halo Top non-ice cream to pitch?
Nope, as it turns out, this is just another stubble bro named Luke. He looks like an old contestant and has the name of a current contestant; congratulations on being the most generic human alive! He must've realized this, however, so he decided to stand out Tuesday night. Did he play a song on an instrument? Did he show up in a fancy car? Did he tap dance? No, he decided the best way to stand out would be to declare that he'll go down on Hannah B. Burn this show. Burn it to ash. Burn all of television actually. Entertainment was a mistake.
After approximately 20 minutes of thoughtful "ummms," Hannah gives out her first rose to Cam – probably because it was the first name that she could remember. Bodes very well for the new season. Then again, I assumed Colton's season was going to be a disaster and a half ... and until these final two episodes, I was proven wrong, so maybe Hannah's season will surprise. But before then, I'm very happy to take a break – and erase tonight from my memory.
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