"The Bachelorette" Rose Rundown: Hannah's season finds a happy unhappy ending
Generally speaking, if the finale of your dating show ends with the big shiny ring getting returned, the star's newly crowned fiancee turning out to be a liar exclusively there to make a buck and Harrison using the phrase "massive destructive forces of lies and betrayal" (which, Harrison ... settle down), you'd assume things went fairly wrong. And yet I ended Hannah's season on Tuesday night feeling pretty good for her! I think she got a good ending after all!
Or maybe I've just been anesthetized by all the wine. Yeah, it's probably that.
It's proposal day, and Hannah's looking back at her journey, thinking back to her former self, the one who wasn't confident in herself and looked for validation in others and men. Those days are gone, and now she knows what she wants and who she is. HIGH FIVE FOR CHARACTER GROWTH! Meanwhile Tyler and Jed visit Neil Lane, who has two gigantic and gaudy rings for the fellas to choose from. Jed chooses his ring because he likes ovals. Whatever, Jed Sheeran.
But eventually the rings are picked, the dress is all put on and the suits are all ironed and buttoned up. (Disappointingly, in Tyler's case, it's not salmon.) Now we just need to drive off to our romantic final setting and hand out one final carnation. But first: a pitstop, because Hannah's feeling stressed, so she pulls a "Lady Bird" and hops right out of the car (though at least she waits for it to stop first; that dress is too nice for a John Woo-style roll). The show seems to thing this is all VERY DRAMATIC, but instead it feels like the B-grade sequel to the fence jump – and that's all before she deflates this drama balloon by totally biffing it on a Cretan street corner.
Eventually, however, after a pep talk from the producers and probably a bunch of Neosporin for her scraped-up arm, Hannah arrives at her romantic altar. Or at least I think it was supposed to be romantic, but instead it looks like an angry sculptor just dumped all of his old pottery and statues in a graveyard in a fit, all tipped over and messy as hell. If you told me this was the ruins of Pompeii, I would believe it. But maybe that's all fitting because LOVE IS ABOUT TO DIE as Tyler arrives first. And any good "Bachelor" fan knows the first one to arrive at the finale is the last one to be sent home packing. SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU DON'T WEAR THE SALMON JACKET!
Indeed, Tyler gets midway through his big sweet speech when Hannah cuts him off mid-adorableness – and he knows exactly what this means. Hannah says a bunch of stuff about how she's so happy to have been loved by him and blah blah blah; anybody who's even been through a breakup knows these are useless words. Still, he holds it together startlingly well, gives her some very sweet and thoughtful salutations and then rides off – still with nothing but kind words for Hannah. A gentleman until the very end. Tyler ... this one's for you.
So (*sighs the world's longest sigh*) I suppose this means Hannah picks Jed – and of course the guy shows up to the proposal with his god damn guitar so he can play some stupid awful song to her. I didn't listen to the lyrics because I was too busy gagging and dying, but I assume it was about Alpo dog food – because all dogs know, it's gotta be Alpo! Anyways, unfortunately Bluto from "Animal House" doesn't show up to turn his guitar into kindling, and Hannah is delighted by this all. She says that she was praying for him – and now her prayers have been answered. Yeah, not sure this was God answering your prayers though ...
Still, he proposes, she says yes and they sing his stupid "Mr. Right Guy" song in celebration. I'm amazed a little Shazam icon didn't pop up on screen, telling you what the song's name was and where you could download it. WAIT UNTIL YOUR GIRLFRIEND FINDS OUT ABOUT THIS, JED! And Hannah, you are disappointing me, you're disappointing your country and you're disappointing not one BUT TWO DEMIS! (What's the plural of Demi? Is it just Demi?)
Thankfully, justice is making a guest appearance on tonight's season finale. After watching some gag-worthy Instagram footage of the two lovebirds having fun – or at least Hannah's having fun; Jed looks profoundly uncomfortable, almost as if he's CONCERNED HE'LL GET CAUGHT FOR SOMETHING – the truth comes out: Jed originally came on the show with a girl tethered back home who he told he was just doing "The Bachelorette" for his music career. Poor Hannah, always three weeks behind the audience this entire season. But because she is a benevolent god, she has a sit-down with Jed to discuss what the hell happened and to see if there's any chance of their relationship staying afloat after this betrayal. After all, she loved the person she got engaged to; now she's not so sure.
The result is basically an Arie-Becca breakup redux – but without the cheap (and transparently fraudulent) "raw and unedited" gimmick and without springing a breakup on somebody in front of a bunch of cameras. Jed arrives at their place, and amazingly Hannah doesn't open the door and lead this whole conversation off with a shift punch to his penis. Impressive restraint. And this may also surprise you: Jed arrives without his guitar. Even he knows a Blue Buffalo jingle won't save him now. Most important of all, "The Bachelorette" shows up with Sassy Audience Reaction Cam in the bottom left corner. This season may have come with an excess of assholery, but at least it's brought them all to very cathartic ends.
During the conversation, Jed admits that he came here for a music career boost and then tries to explain that he wasn't actually dating the woman who went to People magazine and broke the story. Never mind that they were routinely hanging out and sleeping together, or that he met her family and she met his, or that they went on two very swanky vacations together, or that HE TOLD HER THAT HE LOVED HER. Nah, all of that is typical f*ck-buddy stuff apparently in the hair gel-brained world of Jed. None of this adds up – and none of it explains details like the notes and texts he left before leaving for "The Bachelorette." He additionally tries to say that he "held back details," which is a real polite and douchey way to say "lied." Somewhere Luke P. thinks Jed's doing great.
This all sucks for Hannah – but don't feel too bad, though, because she's rented herself a haunted tow truck and SHE'S DRAGGING THIS DUDE TO HELL. You can see the gears mowing away in her head as she puts together all of the warning signs about Jed. She talks about how it seemed crappy how he told his friends that "he won" instead of saying he got engaged. She FINALLY puts it together why Jed's family spent their entire hometown being like, "Hey, not so sure about you and Jed being together, because Jed's got other projects and things on his mind WINK WINK NUDGE NUDGE GET THE HINT!" Jed tries one final Hail Mary, saying that "you're the first person who made me want to be a better person," but THEN WHY WEREN'T YOU A BETTER PERSON TO HER, JED SHEERAN!? Apparently Hannah has the same question – and since Jed has no good answers, she takes the ring off and calls it a day. Your thoughts, Demii?
Back at the studio, Hannah comes out with no Jed – and she looks PISSED. This is not why she went on this show, and as she tells Harrison, she can't believe this is the way this conversation is going. But thankfully, Jed is officially gone from her life – because when you have to circle things in a People magazine article and text them to your fiancee because he lied, your relationship ain't surviving that. What I need NOW, however, is a sit-down with both Jed and Hannah's families who were both like, "Yeeeeeeah, we tried to tell you, boo."
Unfortunately, instead we get Jed Sheeran, who comes out to a rousing round of silence from the live studio crowd. It's quite possible Luke got a bigger ovation at the Men Tell All. He apologies to Hannah, to her friends, to her family and – the most important part – to Bachelor Nation. WE DESERVE THIS AFTER HAVING LISTENING TO ALL HIS CRAPPY MUSIC THIS SEASON. Hannah impressively continues to act as the bigger person, listening to Jed and accepting his apologies but still having no interest in wanting to be with him ever again. I call that a 1,000 percent happy ending. Sure, Harrison gives Jed the final word – but no one listened to that.
BUT WAIT because we're not done yet! Acute readers and viewers may have noticed that Tyler never got his sad studio interview time with Harrison after getting dumped at the statue graveyard. Well, we're bringing him out now – and that crowd can't help but do their best impression of a middle school assembly, just giggling and ooooh-ing. It's the best – no, wait, actually Tyler's the best, because he's still eloquently complimentary and adorable and kind and thoughtful with his words and AH JUST DATE HIM ALREADY! Oh wait ... she's actually going to do just that. At the very end, Hannah says that she's a bold lady who does bold things – so hey, Tyler, we should grab drinks on a date sometime. And, of course, Tyler accepts, and the two blush cutely together. Somewhere backstage, Jed is crying teardrops onto his guitar and thinking about how this all will make a great Milkbone commercial song someday. And nobody cares.
For me, the best part, however, was yet to come. Harrison, always being the extra drama queen that he is, asks if the two are a couple, and Hannah smartly responds that they should probably try being normal people out in the real world for a bit before they commit to anything. WOW, A RATIONAL AND EMOTIONALLY MATURE MOMENT ON "THE BACHELORETTE"; I AM FULLY GOBSMACKED. I'm calling it: This may have been the happiest ending to a "Bachelor"/"Bachelorette" season since I've been recapping the show. Low bar, but hey!
Even without that final line, though, I think Hannah's season turned out pretty well – especially considering the wildly low bar people set for it. Sure, the show could've really used someone else to step up in the drama department besides Luke P., and that aspect of the show dragged during the middle episodes – but they ended his storyline, and now Jed's, in highly satisfying fashion, mostly thanks to Hannah impressively standing up for herself and giddily destroying these douche canoes on television for our nationwide catharsis. And best of all, it all ends with her being cute with the best possible candidate of the bunch – and with a very solid "Bachelor" nominee in Mike almost assuredly waiting in the wings.
Then again, we'll see what happens on "Bachelor in Paradise." Maybe Dean's mustache will claim the starring role after an impactful and emotional season – not Dean, just his dirty-ass mustache. That would certainly be the most dramatic season of "The Bachelor" yet – eh, Harrison?
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