"The Bachelorette" Rose Rundown: The Men Tell All exorcises its Luke demons
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, on the Men Tell All special Monday night on "The Bachelorette." Sure, the show evolved so much into The Luke Show that you almost forgot that he wasn't the Bachelorette this season – but at the same time, we spent an hour just beating up on this guy and confronting him and, by the end, haranguing him so much that he eventually just decided to walk off the stage and call it a day. And I call that a 1,000,000 percent success. It was therapeutic, really. We, as a nation, healed Monday night. Is this what The Purge is supposed to be like?
The show actually started without the Men Tell All and just kept going with the final rose ceremony. There's Peter the Pilot. There's Tyler. There's Jed Sheeran – shockingly without his acoustic guitar because, I don't know if you've heard, he's a singer-songwriter. And ... there's Luke, which is strange because, last I checked, you got punted home with a stiletto and I threw confetti everywhere. But no, Luke is convinced that Hannah's made a mistake and that he's gonna change her mind – with a ring in tow, too – so he gets in line with the rest of the actual contestants. After all, they don't know Hannah's already launched him into the sun's core. BUT THEY SOON WILL as Hannah shows up and is confused because she invited three of these guys to the rose ceremony and one of them to dig himself into the earth's core and never return. You can see why she'd be perplexed.
Anyways, Luke's Hail Mary goes about as well as you'd expect. He tries to talk her into giving him some more time to explain himself – but in the process just ends up mansplaining relationships to her. She says no and gets so fed up that she picks up and moves the rose stand away from him in the hopes that he'll pick up the hint. (Sorry Hannah, but I think you'll have to hit him with that Pier 1 import, WWE style, for his thick skull to figure anything out here.) He refuses to leave – a reoccurring situation this season with this sexist brick wall – and I drink a lot of wine because I and some friends started a drinking game where we took a swig every time a character said "clarity." A great way to burn through a bottle of wine in about ten minutes!
After calling her decision the previous night "emotional" and complaining about how his heart hurts AS IF THIS IS HIS SHOW, the rest of the guys basically form a protective wall around Hannah and finally convince Luke that his time would be better spent doing ... literally anything else. And so, he finally leaves – and though the show keeps cutting to Luke leaving and the guys celebrating so much that I almost thought Hannah would backtrack and bring him back one last time like a horror movie slasher villain yet worse, this time it sticks. I HOPE YOUR JEWELER HAS A GOOD RETURN POLICY, LUKE!
And lo, commence the Men Tell All – though it's really the Luke Tell All as he comes out before all of the rest of the men, walking on stage to a rousing silence from the live audience. It may have been Luke's show for a long bit, but Monday night was WHOLLY the audience's finest hour. Very strong facial reaction game, live audience – so much so that I wanted some picture-in-picture mode so I could see Luke getting grilled in one corner and various audience members cringing and rolling their eyes out of their skull across the rest of the screen. Give me that crazy ESPN eight-screen simul-cast thing that they do for the college football championship next season, "The Bachelorette."
Unfortunately, this segment is more than just the audience making faces at Luke; Luke talks too. Worst of all, he's shaved. Babyfaced Luke is my least favorite Luke – which is frankly impressive that he found a way to become even worse on this show. But he pulls out all of his classic douchebag moves: He phrases things terribly – mainly because he thinks and says terrible things, like that he thought he was on a "rescue mission" for Hannah – and complains that he's being misunderstood after all of his awful sentences. He ... does know that this has all been recorded and broadcast on television, right? Like, that we all know he's lying? He does add a new annoying quirk: When he's asked a question, Luke sits there for 30 intolerable silent seconds of dead air, trying to figure out how he'll phrase his next answer wrong. Something like:
Harrison: So how did you feel that night?
Luke: Let me think about how to phrase this ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... ... *a year passes* ... ... ... ... Women can't be trusted and are the antichrist WAIT NO I'M BEING MISUNDERSTOOD AGAIN!
In the end, Harrison asks Luke if he made any mistakes on "The Bachelorette," and Luke says he wouldn't change a thing ... but then realizes he's been "misunderstood" again and says he made mistakes. YOU DO NOT SAY!
But then Devin has to come out and confront Luke. If you're wondering who Devin is, so are Luke and Chris Harrison – and the latter runs the damn show. Allegedly Devin was on this season. I'll take your word for it, dude. Devin takes two minutes and verbally reams out Luke, which was nice. I'll never be against people insulting Luke to his face. But sorry Devin, you're still not going to "Bachelor in Paradise."
Now it's everybody's turn to come on stage and talk about Luke, however, because the show's in-house therapist said it would be healthy for them to confront him. IT WAS CERTAINLY HEALTHY FOR ME! All of your favorites are there: John Paul Jones, Mike, an entire back row made up of people who may have been on the show but also just may have been lighting crew members who snuck on stage. Luke blames everyone hating him on being the frontrunner for Hannah's heart, while Mike acutely points out that actually it was because he's a narcissistic, misogynistic turd whose future wife will be Luke's prisoner rather than partner. OH DAYYYYMN! I'd applaud – but unfortunately Mike says "clear slate" instead of "clean slate," so this burn has all been rendered unacceptable.
Everyone else takes their turn beating up on Luke; even the unemployed guy who chews with his mouth open gets in a good dig, saying that no means no and that "This is not about Luke P." (No truer words have ever been spoken.) Connor S. actually compliments Luke for coming on the show and allowing himself to play America's speed bag, while Cam also compliments Luke for making him look good in comparison. Slow your roll, Cam. Luke may be terrible, but at least he never rapped. Meanwhile, some guy named Matteo does his best impression of this "Simpsons" GIF ...
Shut up, Matteo. We NEED this catharsis. AND DO YOU EVEN GO HERE!?
OK, we finally stop – at least for a few seconds – so we can spend some time talking to and about people we actually like, starting with John Paul Jones, who had a great-ass time on "The Bachelorette." After all, the trips are all paid for, and you get to hang out with cool dudes and a lovely lady. SEE, JOHN PAUL JONES GETS IT! He also allows a random fan to shoot her shot by coming on stage and cutting a lock of his hair. This is how voodoo dolls get made, JPJ. You gotta be more careful. But John Paul Jones is having too much fun chucking an entire platter of chicken nuggets into the crowd to care about getting stabbed in the knee with mystical needles. This man is a saint; I love him and I look forward to him causing all sorts of problems on "Bachelor in Paradise."
Mike then gets a little time in the spotlight – if maybe only so Harrison can say "throwing smoke," which he definitely found after Googling "cool slang phrases" before the segment. Anyways, Mike is great; he's articulate, charming, respectful and handsome. It's definitely either him or Tyler next in line for "The Bachelor." Don't mess this up.
Finally, the star of the show gets the spotlight – no, not Luke, though you'd be forgiven if you were confused. It's Hannah's time – and it's like she'd been waiting all season for this segment, as she just roasts Luke, and even herself and her insecurities for falling for Luke, for a solid segment. It was basically 15 minutes of her saying "bless your heart" – whether it was slapping him down for assuming all Fantasy Suite dates are for boinking or slapping him down for, you know, everything he's ever done on this show.
By the end, Luke walks off the stage, assumably from being berated for 90 minutes – but he hilariously does it after a commercial break, making his dramatic exit seem like maybe he just has to go to the bathroom. Or maybe his Uber arrived early? No matter the reason, it's exactly the exit this dude deserves: a limp, pathetic goodbye-free goodbye. I look forward to literally never seeing you ever again, Luke. Enjoy all of your future shower visions. Important: I swear if "Paradise" throws him onto the beach like a grenade next season, I'm breaking every television set in a four-mile radius.
The Men Tell All finally, gracefully, comes to a close with its usual final bits: guys asking Hannah questions that weren't interesting enough to merit more time. The only notable part is that Hannah heavily compliments Mike before saying that he deserves ... the best. SO CLOSE TO SAYING HE DESERVES TO BE THE NEXT BACHELOR! But really, the most crucial conversation here at the end of the show is between Hannah and America, as our star stares into the camera and full-on apologizes for subjecting us to Luke for so long. You know what? Apology accepted – and props to you for turning out to be a pretty fun, entertaining Bachelorette who has a solid chance of picking a decent dude from this craziness.
As for guesses on who she picks in next week's two-part finale? My money is on Hannah picking Tyler, Peter picking "Paradise," "The Bachelor" picking Mike as its next star – and first black Bachelor – and Jed Sheeran picking up his guitar to write another crappy song that hopefully no one will ever hear.
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