"The Bachelorette" Rose Rundown: Hannah finally takes out the trash
Typically I hate fantasy suite date week – never mind the weirdly sleazy yet also clinical way it goes about discussing and injecting sex into its relationships, they're just generally boring and repetitive episodes. But HOW I COULD I DISLIKE AN EPISODE IN WHICH LUKE GOES HOME!? WOOO! *throws confetti, pops champagne, throws more confetti* IT'S LIKE THEY KNEW IT'S MY BIRTHDAY!
Unfortunately, when the Lord taketh one douchebag away, he giveth you another one. Indeed, another contestant going for Hannah's heart has been outed as kind of a scumbag ... and it's turned out to be Peter the Pilot. OH NOOO! But his family seemed so lovely! And he's got a plane! And a fancy car with a center console full of condoms! OK, that last one now seems a little sleazy in retrospect knowing what we know now – and what we know now is that he also had a girlfriend right before heading onto the show who he broke up with in the name of pursuing televised love and the Insta-fame that ensues. Dammit Peter, WE WERE ROOTING FOR YOU (and Tyler)! WE WERE ALL ROOTING FOR YOU (as well as Tyler)!
So that makes this entire fantasy date with Peter the Pilot a little more uncomfortable – though not as uncomfortable as the cats in Crete feel about Hannah's weird singing.
Thankfully that stops as Hannah and Peter the Pilot do their best impression of T-Pain and go on a boat. They "Titanic" all over the thing, but Hannah feels like he's holding back a bit – and he feels that way too, because he hasn't said "I love you" yet. And maybe he's also holding back because there's a random boat hand, like, right behind them, watching them make out on the ship's deck. Hard to go full "Titanic" slap hand against steamy car window when it's broad daylight and you've got an audience watching. (OK, more audience than the usual five camera operators and the director and the dozen other crew members on set.)
Later at night, however, out of the sight of shipmates, Peter admits that he can be a little reserved when it comes to expressing his emotions because "with previous stuff, I've not made the best decisions" – oh, we know; your ex told us – before he finally busts out the L-word. AND NOW THEY'RE GOOD TO SEX! They accept their fantasy suite card, which takes them to the already infamous windmill, which from the outside looks like quite bougie ... until you step inside. My friends, this is a serial killer's house. It's just claustrophobic stone-walled rooms with minimal lighting, a few scattered pieces of furniture tucked away in weird corners and a trunk full of condoms and snack foods – because THAT'S normal. And you just know they couldn't vacuum or really clean this rocky stone cave, so who knows what ancient Greek dust mites are in the air. I would not sleep in there, much less do the nasty – twice.
Peter and Hannah, however, are less weirded out by Buffalo Bill's secret Greek sex dungeon, so they make use of the snack and condom trunk, and cut to the birds and bees in the morning. Must've gone well because, the next day, Hannah's very excitedly referring to Peter as "Zeus." So he turned into a swan? He turned into a golden shower and got you pregnant? He turned his previous significant other into a fly, ate her and then birthed another god-person out of his skull? The ex-girlfriend certainly left THAT story out of her tell-all Entertainment Tonight story!
The second fantasy suite date goes to the lone decent dude apparently left on this show: Tyler. Boy, when this guy was introduced dancing shirtlessly on the job through an unfinished house at the start of the season, I did not expect he would be our final hope for a decent spouse for Hannah – but here we are. The two snag some spa time and cutely talk during the date until Tyler takes the masseuse's place and gives Hannah her massage instead. Sorry man, but keep your clumsy-ass hands to yourself; I'm here for a professional massage. ABC did not pay for a Greek spa day so I can get a massage from my boyfriend that I could receive anytime. I got knots on knots that need a good kneading, so stay on your spa bed.
While Hannah doesn't reject his masseuse impression, she does surprisingly reject taking him to a fantasy suite. Apparently since she knows there's a physical connection, she doesn't need that part of the date to see how they feel about each other. And while Tyler's face first screams "What the not-f*ck," he handles getting denied a sex den visit pretty well, talking about how he wants her to be comfortable and to move at the pace she wants. He handles his blue-balling like a baller, indeed – and Hannah noticed. "It didn't phase him," she happily tells the camera. Well, his first face disagreed – but after that, sure.
So instead of using the fantasy suite for sexy time, they use it to talk and bond emotionally, which also seems great – and they both leave the date looking just as satisfied as if they had a crazy night of physical passions. YAY! Tyler should win. Yes, because he's basically the only decent dude left, but that status isn't by default. He actually seems like a good guy who cares about respecting Hannah and her wishes. All hail Tyler and his sweet dance moves.
And now for the scumbags, starting with Jed Sheeran – who is still steamed that Hannah couldn't decide between him and Luke. And unfortunately, dive-bombing a random Grecian family's celebration and drinking some "life water" (OH GOD, IT'S A GREEK "MIDSOMMAR"! RUN!) couldn't distract him from that nagging thought – especially when the family starts grilling Hannah with tough questions about how you find love on this show and how you determine your choices. It's like a second hometown date, Jed – and we all saw how well that went for you last week!
Jed Sheeran decides he wants to make it worse, too, by taking Hannah aside and looking for "some clarity" on Luke, explaining that he feels bad that she couldn't choose him over her and that he doesn't know what it says about her decision-making skills and ability to let bad things go that she can't see that Luke is a trash person. I mean, honestly, it's kind of fair ... BUT MAYBE FANTASY SUITE TIME ISN'T THE MOMENT TO SPEND ALL OF YOUR DATE TALKING ABOUT ANOTHER DUDE! Feels like an A-grade way to ruin your afternoon and this family's very nice luncheon! They did not ask for Luke conversation! Plus, Jed, I'm no strategic mastermind here, but complaining to Hannah about Luke has not gone well for anybody this season. "Hmmm, the last 14 guys to whine about Luke all went home BUT MAYBE I'M DIFFERENT!" I think she's going to prove to you that she's actually GREAT at letting go of the bad things in her life – especially crappy singer-songwriters.
Or maybe not, as Hannah actually really likes that they had an actual conversation and talked out their issues like grownups in a real-world relationship. So he not only gets to stay, but they head up to the fantasy suite for sexy time behind the world's longest door. Or maybe Jed Sheeran just played Hannah his new EP a few times. Yeah, he probably did that.
Which, of course, brings us to the final, most dreaded yet also most anticipated fantasy suite date of the night: Luke. The two head off on a helicopter ride around Santorini, and Luke is VERY excited, just losing his mind about every part of the chopper ride. Meanwhile, Hannah is like, "This is my fourth one of these this season." I guess they had a conversation at one point, but Luke never actually says anything – just platitudes, bland compliments and romantic nothings he Googled. My brain blocked this all out and instead just had flashbacks to the "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants" movie. Was a MUCH better use of brain cells.
After they dance for a bit, it's time for dinner. Luke shows up sans-jacket – poor form. But even poorer form: He decides let's talk about sex (baby, let's talk about you and me ... sorry, can't help it). And by "let's talk about sex," he means "I want to judge you for being sexually active" – which is PRETTY FRIGGIN' RICH COMING FROM A GUY WHOSE ENTIRE SHTICK WAS "I HAD LOTS OF SEX EARLIER IN MY LIFE." He says that if she's slept with one of the other guys on the show, he'll leave – and BOY DO I HAVE A TWIST FOR YOU, LUKE! Yep, she's had sex – multiple times and even twice in a murderer's windmill cave. Like ... dude, do you watch the show? This is what happens here. Sure, it's a little sleazy ... but then don't sign up to go on the show.
Hannah talks about how he's not her husband, so he has no right to talk down to her this way or talk about controlling her body or her choices. IF ONLY THERE WERE ANY SIGNS THAT HE WAS A POSSESSIVE, GASLIGHTING JAGOFF! This moment would be so much more rewarding if it happened, like, a month ago BUT BETTER LATE THAN NEVER; GO OFF, QUEEN! It's like she's been saving this rant for a month – possible because the producers made her keep Luke around, and she's actually been saving this rant for over a month.
Impressively, Luke manages to dig himself deeper into a hole as the conversation goes along. He tries to pull the "No, actually, I'm being misunderstood; let me talk more" card that he pulled every time he lied or manipulated the truth with the other guys in the house, then calls her having sex with her boyfriends a "slip-up" as if it's something she needs to apologize for and not something she had the choice to do. The only slip-up she's made is keeping you around and sending Mike home all those weeks ago. WE COULD'VE HAD QUALITY MIKE TIME RIGHT NOW! But now I'm stuck watching a sad human boulder sit in the rain because he refuses to get out of his chair and go home as Hannah commands. This is a suable offense, ABC.
And because Luke won't stop digging his own grave until he reaches the planet's core, he says that he won't get out of his chair because Hannah "owes" him more time to explain himself. First of all, incorrect. Second of all, we've seen you try to explain yourself for nine weeks or so, and it never gets better. And third of all, NO AND INCORRECT. Hannah stressed out all of America for weeks defending your dopey protein powder brain and fighting for a relationship that literally NO ONE SAW ANYTHING IN ... and now you say SHE owes YOU?! The only thing you are owed right now is a Louboutin to the ass and a car ride home. Plus, it's raining – so get moving, chump. You're ruining her nice red leather jacket.
He asks if he can pray over her – because why not try being condescending one more time; it's worked out so well – and she loads him into an SUV, sending him off with a much deserved and all-too-delayed middle finger. Pray over that. And even though we took WAAAAY too long for Hannah to reach this revelation, she at least ends this chapter with a great final note: She ditched the man, but took his wine.
Of course, Luke's not ACTUALLY gone – because after weeks upon weeks of milking this guy for drama, what, you think Harrison and company are just going to stop now? And do what, rely on her actual human connections and emotional decisions for drama? CREATE NEW SUBPLOTS!? All too much to ask of the "Bachelorette" staff. No, he's coming back next week with a ring and a proposal because, go figure, Luke can't respect a woman's opinion or her rejection.
But let's just forget all of that and celebrate that Hannah finally took the trash out – thank the Greek gods and cue the party music.
Post a comment / write a review.
Disclaimer: Please note that Facebook comments are posted through Facebook and cannot be approved, edited or declined by OnMilwaukee.com. The opinions expressed in Facebook comments do not necessarily reflect those of OnMilwaukee.com or its staff.