"The Bachelorette" Rose Rundown: Conch-blocked in the Bahamas
An important question: Is Becca ... boring?
I started off this season all hopped up on her as the Bachelorette, saying that she was the anti-Arie and that she was exciting and interesting and good television, and now that we're just a few weeks away from the end of the season, I'm not so sure any of that is true anymore. She tends to say the same things week after week – and no, not just "Let's do the damn thing," but complaining about drama or talking about her connection with a guy by describing his abs and muscles and such before having a little sigh and saying, "Oh boy," or something like that.
The show didn't do her any favors by having her be so anti-drama, only to force her to keep people like Chris R. and the Jordan/Chicken Man tandem for a week too long. But with only generic handsomes left, she needs to help give the show some personality ... and instead, I'm wondering if she's the most basic human being on the planet, the kind that calls herself a nerd for liking "Star Wars" and "Harry Potter" and self-identifies as a foodie.
Anyways, this week we're in the Bahamas. That's right; now that we got rid of Chris R., Lincoln and Jordan, we're finally allowed to leave the country. Becca apparently left the rose ceremony back in the States, however, as instead of a standard elimination, we're having three one-on-one dates and a group date – with Colton having the first solo jaunt. Meanwhile, Blake looks profoundly uncomfortable to be there, sadly sitting on the hotel's couch like a puppy man, howling about how HE JUST WANTS A ONE-ON-ONE.
But first, Colton has a one-on-one – but also, he has A SECRET! A BIG REVEAL! As it turns out, Colton ... is a virgin! Wait, hold on a second here, that's the big drama this week? Didn't we find that out a few weeks ago in Vegas when we drove past Virgin River? Hey, "The Bachelorette" editors: Communicate with one another. At the hotel, Garrett is way too excited about Colton's big secret; the man cannot stop asking questions and talking with the other bros about how CRAZY it is that Colton's a VIRGIN and how he could NEVER even FATHOM proposing to somebody unless she'd had sex. He even calls it a skeleton in Colton's closet, which is very rich coming from the guy who has actual social media skeletons in his closet.
Back on the date, Colton and Becca are having a nice boat ride, making out as Colton inches closer and closer to dropping his big news, just about to say it ... until some rando on a colorful boat decides he must interrupt these strangers. HE'S THE CAPTAIN NOW, COLTON – and what he determines is that these two lovers need some conch (which I definitely first heard as coke).
So yes, Colton's big reveal just got conch-blocked.
This whole sequence is so gallingly scripted and obviously rigged that you can practically see the stage markings and cue cards – but gosh if it didn't win me over with its goofy, dorky, point-bludgeoning obviousness. Even outside of the word "conch" sounding just like, uh, a rooster, as it turns out, these shell-bound snacks are an aphrodisiac, so our new captain cuts open two tasty morsels and has Becca and Colton sample some conch pistol – aka conch penis. HAVE WE LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON HERE TODAY ABOUT NOT LETTING STRANGERS ON OUR BOAT, BECCA AND COLTON!? Listen kids, don't talk to strangers – or you might end up eating seafood sex organs.
Conch dong doesn't end up working all that great as an aphrodisiac – and even worse as a satisfying meal – so Colton and Becca head off to an isolated dinner where Colton can finally unveil his secret without worrying about "Captain Phillips 2: Foodie Fight" breaking out. He drops his "bombshell": He's a virgin, partly because he put all of his energy into his football career that he never put much thought into it and partly because he believes it's a special thing, a gift to give somebody (not in a "wait til marriage" way, but in a love way). All of this seems very fair – and, above all else, it's his choice.
But Becca, hearing this news, has to WALK AWAY FROM THE TABLE she is just so stunned. Really Becca? You really treating this moment like he just confessed to having a secret love child? It's not like he just said he owns "The Emoji Movie" on DVD. "I would never judge you or think less of you," she says, before making him feel judged and thought of as less during a segment designed to make his virginity seem like some horrid taboo. Hey "The Bachelorette," we're all aware your junk doesn't fall off if you've been a virgin this long, right?
Anyways, Becca finally remembers her sense of empathy and decency and decides it's not a big deal, giving Colton a rose despite his V-card. Wow, how brave, how considerate. This is just the dumbest drama – and, worst of all, a retread since we went down this road a few seasons back on "The Bachelor" with Raven. I hope we have another fantasy suite deflowering, followed by Colton taking five minutes awkwardly dancing and skipping down streets. I'll say this now: This will all have been worth it if they have sex and the show then recreates the end credits of "The 40 Year Old Virgin."
Much to Blake's puppy-faced chagrin, Garrett gets the next one-on-one date – but Blake shouldn't be too upset, because the thing is a freaking borefest. The two just hop on a seaplane and then putz around on a beach, making out and making goo-goo eyes. Honestly, I'm not even sure I watched all of this. I think the president showed up at some point, maybe? Anyways, just watch a commercial for a Caribbean cruise ship, and you'll have gotten the point. The only notable part came at dinner, when Garrett explained that he felt he was changing who he was in his past relationship – which is WAY more of a red flag than holding onto one's V-card. But Becca chugs right past that and gives him a rose. She also says she has one last surprise for him, to which Garrett reacts WAY too big. He's trying way too hard to be charming and fun. He's like an overexcitable puppy – but one that thinks the Parkland kids are crisis actors.
Speaking of puppies, Blake finally gets his one-on-one date – and it's accompanied by the Baja Men of "Who Let the Dogs Out" fame. I know: I can't believe they were available, either! It's a real step-down from Lil Jon. I look forward to Right Said Fred dropping by during the finale next.
Bachelorette Nation: Hey can we get something other than obscure country artist dance dates?— sick jesus (@jaredjetpack) July 10, 2018
Bachelorette Producers: Got it. Baja Men it is.#TheBachelorette
Anyways, the two dance – Blake's got some decent moves, though you're dancing to the Baja Men, so think about your life, think about your choices – and make out on the beach and blandly talk and ... am I back on the Garrett date again? But just when I'm concerned I'm going to start passing out or distracting myself by counting threads in the carpet, Blake opens up about his family – namely that his mom had an affair with his basketball coach/English teacher. SEE THIS IS THAT REAL DRAMA. Why did we waste 45 minutes on Colton's rocket staying in Cape Canaveral when we could've been talking about Blake's "Desperate Housewives" mom drama!? AND HOW DOES BECCA HAVE NO FOLLOW-UP QUESTIONS ON THIS MATTER!? You had to dramatically walk away from the table hearing about Colton's V-card but for this, you're reaction's like, "The salad's good." I don't understand you, Becca.
I guess we'll have to wait for more of that during hometowns, because Blake gets a rose. He also says, "Falling in love is fun, but staying in love is even more fun," which is a terrific, great line that almost makes up for how boring this episode of television is.
Thankfully, things should a whole lot more interesting because it's time for the group date with Leo, Wills and the vampire from "Hotel Transylvania 3." Two of the three are going home, so we're guaranteed to lose somebody with personality from this final bunch. Hopefully it's not Jason Fauxmoa – solely because of his extremely messy man-bun situation from before the date.
They, too, head to a beach for their triple-date (not a lot of creativity this week, producers; I know it's no RICHMOND, VIRGINIA, but I'd think you could come up with something to do in the Bahamas other than the beach) where everybody gets their one-on-one time. Wills talks about how he wants Becca to meet his parents because they're about to celebrate their 50th anniversary. The Count from "Hotel Transylvania" says "bleh, bleh-bleh." And Leo talks about how he and Becca still haven't had much time together, so he wants more time to truly get to know one another and bond before he'd propose and say he feels love. Well, he'll have plenty of time to himself now, because Becca is not interested in that very rational line of thinking, so she takes Wills and Dracula on the rest of the date and abandons Leo on the island to do some "Castaway" cosplay.
So now there's just one elimination remaining ... and unfortunately, it's Wills, breaking the hearts of millions of Americans. (Though hey, Harrison, first black "Bachelor" maybe?) And, most importantly, breaking Wills' heart, who seems thoroughly and actually sad and hurt. He asks the limo to stop at one point, and I was very scared he was gonna pull a douchebag contestant thing and return back to Becca to debate why he got the axe. But instead, it was just to cry some more. Poor guy.
And poor us, because everyone left on the show is very boring now. So here's to hopefully meeting Blake's mom next week.
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