"The Bachelorette" Rose Rundown: Attack of the Luke Ness Monster
Before we start, I need to talk about something real: Mac 'n' cheese or spaghetti?
While you ponder that very serious, very important question, let's talk about "The Bachelorette" this week, which delivered a night too big for a mere Monday – and I am not being sassy. No, Tuesday evening's episode was drama-packed and ridiculous in all the best ways – starting with the admittedly less-than-epic conclusion to the Battle of the Lukes. Some viewers were rooting for Nick Viall doppelgänger Luke S., aka Lukewarm. No viewers were rooting for Luke P., aka a brick wall in a suit jacket. As for me, I was rooting for a meteor strike to hopefully wipe them both out. We all agree Luke P. has gotta go – but complaining about the show's villain and not being a jagoff does not count as a personality, Lukewarm!
Unfortunately, no one really really gets anything that they want, as the Battle of the Lukes ends up more being the Mediated Conversation of the Lukes. As we left off last week, Hannah calls the two Lukes over during the cocktail party. I hoped it was for some very special double elimination magic, but instead it was just so the two guys could talk over each other with Hannah stuck in between the two, looking like the most bored human being on the planet, staring angrily into the soul of the producer who made her sit through this. Eventually she has enough of their useless and circular arguments and does the only logical thing. Oh no, not eliminate them. Too easy. The NEXT only logical thing: walk out of the room, leaving the two bros to sit in glorious awkward silence and shame. Not that anybody who competes on this show feels any shame.
Now would've been the IDEAL moment for a meteor strike, but instead, the Lukes pick up their bickering again – including The Bad Luke busting out his best Matthew McConaughey impression while trying to say, "I was trying to step over you, man." Then he started muttering some pretentious stuff and trying to sell me a Lincoln. (I may have hallucinated that part.) No matter the case, Harrison shows up looking PISSED to announce that the cocktail party is over and we're off to the rose ceremony.
Before dishing out roses, Hannah tells the dudes that she needed to tap into the strong woman that she is for these decisions. Oh, I see – so there's a zero percent chance Luke P. is going home tonight. Great. But what of Lukewarm? Right before Hannah hands out her first carnation, he busts out a "can I borrow you for a sec" to the entire ceremony for a Hail Mary one-on-one conversation with her. It's his final chance to make an impression, and as Mike says, he's defending "his livelihood as a man"(?). So how does Luke S. handle this brave, defining moment? He leaves. He says sorry ... and then friggin' bails. We spent a whole episode on your whining and bickering – AND YOU'RE JUST GONNA QUIT!? This is what happens when you send a baby Nick Viall to do a man's job. Now I'm DEFINITELY never buying your never-going-to-happen tequila, coward.
After that anticlimactic end, Hannah finally starts throwing roses around. Peter the Pilot gets a rose. Some dude named Devin who's supposedly been here this entire time gets a rose. And, of course, Luke P. gets a rose – because while sometimes Hannah's brain doesn't want him there, her heart does. WELL, ONLY ONE OF THOSE ORGANS DOES CRITICAL THINKING; I'D LISTEN TO THAT ONE.
You know who doesn't get a rose? John Paul Jones. (And Matteo, but nobody cares about Matteo.) #JusticeForJohnPaulJones, man. I wasn't sure about him at first, but that guy was the best, just meme-ing all over this season despite only having approximately seven total lines. Why does Grant the unemployed dude who chews with his mouth open get to stay and JPJ has to go home? And seriously, who is Devin? Where did he come from and why does he have my man's rose? You were too beautiful for this world, John Paul Jones. I hope you're dramatically eating chicken nuggets somewhere in reality show heaven.
Back on Earth, the bros are shipped off to Scotland, where Hannah is inspired to be Mary Queen of Scots ... minus the whole "getting beheaded" part. But most of all, she wants a reset on this season with no more bickering. So she takes the dudes to a bar, buys them all a pint and offers a cheers to a hopefully drama-free rest of the show. And this may surprise you but NOOOOOOPE! That lasts all of about seven seconds. As soon as she plucks Mike from the bar for a solo date, the fellas and Luke P. have another kerfuffle. That may sound tiresome, but it's all worth it because Jed busts out the world's best pun: The Luke Ness Monster. Pack it up. Call it a day. Cancel the rest of the show. Jed wins.
Yet despite Jed already winning via triumphant pun, Hannah and Mike still have their date, touring all the Scottish village's charming sights. They drop by a sweet bookstore where Hannah sniffs the books and listens to an egg. (I assume the egg said, "Why the hell did you keep, Luke P?") They pop into a candy shop to try some Scottish Warheads, then they sample a bunch of whiskey – which probably all just tasted like those black Warheads. The whiskey must've been good, though, because at a bar afterward, Hannah gets very easily pranked into trying some haggis AND she says the word "swaggy" in front of Mike while also doing some kind of pimp walk. So yeah, Hannah is drunk.
The two sober up, however, for the dinner part of the date, where Mike is nervous because he wants to tell Hannah that he's falling in love with her, but the last time he did that was Christmas years ago – and that ended badly. But he finally gets the words out, and the two celebrate by dancing to some fiddling at the corner pub. I approve of this date and like Mike a whole bunch. A shame Jed already won.
Back at the mansion, the guys find out who's going on the group date – and more importantly, who isn't: Luke P. He gets the episode's other one-on-one date, and while the bros might upset about that, they're also pumped about not getting concussed by Luke P. in another athletic competition. As an added bonus, he's also wondering aloud about if he wants to stay. But he does stay – and he's still Luke P.-ing all over the room, causing Devin to call him a "douche canoe." LOOK AT DEVIN, FINALLY MAKING AN IMPRESSION A MONTH INTO THE SEASON! Good for you, making the most of what will almost certainly be your final week on the show.
Anyways, bring in the "Braveheart" extras, because today's group date is all about Highland Games fun. They've got all the classics: axe-throwing, milk carrying, doing your best impression of Meryl Streep's scream on "Big Little Lies." It's a whole lot of fun – and that's BEFORE they ditch their drawers for kilts, with nothing but their man business underneath. Scotland, you may want to avert your eyes.
Actually, everyone might want to avert their eyes – not just because their, uh, bagpipes are on parade, but because these guys are very bad at these games. Save for Tyler, no one can stick an axe on a target (maybe they should've replaced the bullseye with a picture of Luke P.), and during the milk bucket runs, they spill more milk than a grumpy child at dinner. And in case that wasn't enough wasted milk, Jed dumps a whole bucket of the stuff over his head. Hannah says that it's a sexy move – but girl, that man is guaranteed VERY smelly. I regret claiming him the winner now.
Or maybe not! The Stinky Cheese Man not only scores the win at the Highland Games, but at the afterparty, he scores a SERIOUS makeout session with Hannah straddling him on a chair and basically daring her tight dress to rip. Her dress survives – but Resting Murder Face Kevin's dignity doesn't, as he awkwardly walks in on the mounting, then sticks around for about 15 seconds too long. We learned something tonight: Kevin, uh, likes to watch. And there was plenty to watch tonight as Hannah made out with Peter the Pilot on a pool table – less sexy than he hoped – and then made out with Tyler and then maybe a few other guys, too. (Hey, no judgment.) And each time, I was desperately hoping Kevin would awkwardly walk in. Missed comedic opportunity there, "Bachelorette" writers.
*Hannah and Jed make out*— Matthew Mueller (@aManAboutFilm) June 12, 2019
Kevin: Oops, sorry
*Hannah and Peter the Pilot make out*
Kevin: Oh dammit, sorry again
*Hannah and Tyler make out*
Kevin: SERIOUSLY ARE THERE NO LOCKS IN THIS HOUSE!?#TheBachelorette
In the end, Hannah gives the rose to the evening's true MVP: her dress, for holding together during the night's many acrobatics. But actually it goes to Jed. Now go shower again, please, dude. You still smell like milk gone wrong.
And speaking of annoying and odorous things that I wish would go away, it's time for Luke P. and his one-on-one date! Hannah takes him over to a beautiful field of flowers overlooking the ocean, but we're not here for sightseeing. We're here to figure out what this dude's deal is. Well, we know what it is – he's a lying, wildly inauthentic asshat – but Hannah's really taking the long way to find that conclusion. It took Michelangelo four years to paint the Sistine Chapel, but that legendary effort pales in comparison to the blood, sweat and tears Hannah is putting in trying to convince herself that Luke P. isn't a dumpster human with abs.
For about 45 minutes, she desperately wants him to get emotional, to show his authentic self to her, to open up, to own up to the mistakes he's made on the show, to get real with her, SOMETHING. At the very least, answer the important question, Luke: Do you prefer mac 'n' cheese or spaghetti? She just needs some reason – seemingly ANY reason – to keep him around despite, you know, literally everything he's ever done and said on this show. And all Luke P. can do is repeat generic pre-scripted apologies and say the word "clarity" 47 times like it was on his Word of the Day calendar. Then again, when he goes off-script, he says eye-rolling magic like, "I don't know why everybody here hates me, because every place I've ever been, people love me." So maybe he shouldn't improv. Also: Mac 'n' cheese all the way. SEE, IT'S THAT EASY, LUKE!
Eventually, Luke P. gets tired of this conversation and wants to move onto the rest of their date – but TOO BAD because we've got more tense discussions on a hill scheduled for the day. NO COOL CASTLES FOR YOU!
But other than that, the date's going great! Seriously, at this point, Luke P. seems fine with the day so far. Meanwhile, Hannah's walked away to complain to the producers while pounding her hands against her head. PRODUCERS, FREE THIS POOR WOMAN AND LET LUKE P. GO! But no, she still tries to pry away at his supposed walls and make him say something other than his rehearsed lines. She thinks he's got some psychological block stopping him from being open with her, but have you considered he's just a meathead liar – one who, during the dinner portion of the evening, actually starts gaslighting Hannah into considering SHE'S the problem and that he's been lying and defensive because SHE'S changed her attitude toward him? SHOULDA THROWN HIM OFF THE CLIFF WHEN YOU HAD THE CHANCE!
Back at the mansion, Jed confidently tells the rest of the guys that if Hannah sees the person they see in Luke P., she'll send him home. But that's the enraging part of this all: She does – AND SHE ISN'T. She knew from around the second episode, during the photoshoot group date, that he was over-competitive, maybe a bit possessive, and she's had the entire house practically tell her that he's not a trustworthy dude. But here we are, several episodes later, still trying to break through this human brick wall.
After easily Hannah's worst date of the season – and remember: one of them involved her being so sick she had to go to the hospital – she picks up the rose ... and doesn't give it to Luke P.
xytttbvtedetywzaftusfcebtuveyuybadtNow, I'm not going to say this was the greatest moment in television history. But I will say that I started chanting, "USA! USA! USA!" at full volume in a public place. Checkmate, "Mad Men."
However ... while Hannah doesn't give the rose to Luke P., she unfortunately doesn't put it in a nearby candle and light it on fire before his eyes. Which is to say she's clearly leaving the door open next week for Luke P. to return to the mansion for at least the cocktail party and rose ceremony. Because the legend of the Loch Ness Monster never dies – and apparently neither does Luke P.
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