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Luke P. isn't here to make friends. Or even merely acquaintances.

"The Bachelorette" Rose Rundown: Luke P. gets called for unsportsmanlike conduct

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It took a few episodes, but we finally got ourselves an old-fashioned bro-off on this season of "The Bachelorette." Indeed, it's "Luke v Luke: Dawn of Lukes" pitting Luke P. (because obviously) against the Nick Viall micro-clone Luke S. (huh ... didn't see that one coming). And the winner is us, because any episode in which a contestant calls another a "millennial f*ckstick" is clearly a crowning television achievement.

Before we get into that, however, a change of scenery. Harrison drops by and lets the bros know that they're headed out of the mansion and traveling to Newport, Rhode Island, which receives ... just a moderate woo. What, you dudes not excited about Gilded Age mansions!? Honestly, they're probably just excited to get of the Bachelor mansion – which I imagine smells hauntingly like rosé, chlorine and finger foods. Just the smell of an unwashed YMCA following you down every hallway.

While the fellas get acquainted with Newport, the first date card arrives – and surprisingly no one in particular, it goes to Jed. Hannah has a fun day of loitering around the city planned, all while she wears a VERY intimidating jacket covered in spikes that made me very concerned anytime Jed went in for a hug. If this date was with anyone other than Jed – who's basically locked in for a final four spot – I'd say that wearing clothing that turns you into a human porcupine would be one hell of a hint that maybe she's not into you. Anyways, they walk around the city while Hannah comes up with random fake historic factoids because QUIRRRRKKYYYYY, then drop by a bar definitely not filled with paid extras who chant Jed's name and get the two lovebirds to kiss.

The highlight of the date, however, comes when they walk through a park and JUST HAPPEN to run into a Halo Top ice cream man. They each grab a pint of the frozen sludge and begin falling in love, while the cameraman falls deeply in love with the Halo Top logo. I don't know about you, BUT I'M STARTING TO THINK THIS IS PRODUCT PLACEMENT! Eventually, Harrison manages to pry the camera off Halo Top and focus on Jed and Hannah, who sit in the park and talk about how much they're enjoying their time together – almost as much as they're enjoying their delicious, low-calorie Halo Top ice cream! Hannah in particular loves that she can just be herself around Jed, that she's comfortable with him and doesn't feel like she has to do anything crazy or special. Plus, Jed appropriately appreciates Halo Top. But seriously, someone get these poor people some real ice cream, please.

We don't have real ice cream – but we do get some celebrity cameos! For their final stop on their tour of Newport, Jed and Hannah drop by the Boston Celtics training facility where they find Jaylen Brown and Terry Rozier, two guys who will almost certainly not be Boston Celtics next season. According to Jed, they're also "two of the best guys in the league." My man, I'm not even sure if they rank as two of the best guys on the Celtics.

Maybe he just means they're two of the best people in the league – which fair enough, as they're nice enough to play two-on-two with our lovebirds with at least the same amount of enthusiasm they bring to playing with Kyrie Irving (which is to say not much). Plus, during a timeout, Jaylen Brown: Basketball Star turns into Jaylen Brown: Relationship Counselor, briefly transforming into one of Hannah's girlfriends wanting to hear all about Hannah's love life. Man, you go from one game away from the NBA Finals to interviewing a lady on a reality show about dating 15 dudes at the same time. Life comes at you fast. Props to literally everyone else on the Celtics for dodging this bullet.

Their date ends with dinner, where Jed does something unexpected: He makes a mistake. During the conversation, Jed confesses that he wasn't originally there for the right reasons, that instead he signed onto the show in order to help give his music career some national spotlight. JED, YOU DON'T SAY THAT! We assume that nobody comes onto the show for sincere romantic reasons – BUT YOU DON'T TELL "THE BACHELORETTE" THAT! If you're dating somebody, you don't tell them, "So hey, so that night we first met at that bar, I went into that place really just hoping to get laid that night." KEEP IT TO YOURSELF; YOU'RE HURTING THE ROMANCE. But Jed is so bulletproof that, even after this ill-advised confession, Hannah's still into him. I mean ... he's no Halo Top ice cream, but he's still pretty good.

That takes us to the episode's group date – starring Luke P., who no one wants to be on a date with, much less share the same room. Worst of all, the date ends up being a rugby match – and Luke P. is definitely the kind of guy who takes intramural sports WAAAAY too seriously. The man is going to give everyone a concussion. John Paul Jones? CONCUSSED. That cameraman? CONCUSSED. Hannah? CONCUSSED. Or maybe she showed up concussed. After all, she notes that she wants all of her bros to have fun and be safe, with no one getting hurt ... while they play rugby, A FAMOUSLY SAFE SPORT WHERE NO ONE GETS HURT EVER. You don't get to say "I sure hope nobody gets sick at my dinner" and then serve raw chicken, Hannah.

After Luke P. pumps up his team – by quoting "300," of course, because he is the worst – they take the field, surrounded by extras chanting, "Kill him! Kill him!" Jesus ... what do these people think rugby is? It's violent and rough, but it's not the friggin' Roman colosseum – though I admit I would be intrigued if we tossed some hungry lions into the mix. Who needs lions, however, when just the mere force of gravity can do the trick and break one of these bros? Indeed, Resting Serial Killer Face Kevin hurts his, um, all-the-letters-of-the-alphabet muscle and has to be carted off to the hospital, grimacing all the way. I'm not going to say Luke P. did it, but Luke P. almost certainly did it. And he's not done, as during some in-game action, Luke P. gets riled up enough to bodyslam Lil' Nick Viall Luke S. into the ground. AND WE'VE OFFICIALLY GOT OURSELVES A FIGHT. Well, we will after Luke S. heals up because he's definitely concussed.

Later on in the night, Hannah wants answers for what happened during her very safe rugby game between Luke P. and Luke S. – and for the sake of clarity, I'll refer to them as The Bad Luke and The Good Luke, respectively. The Bad Luke says that he was instigated into body-slamming The Good Luke and that it was self-defense – because when you're a brick wall in a suit, sure, you gotta be concerned about Lil' Nick Viall beating you up. The Bad Luke also notes that he thinks The Good Luke is just there to promote his tequila brand – which considering this is the first I think we're hearing of this, is either incorrect or means The Good Luke is doing a really crappy job. When he gets his turn, The Good Luke says all of that is bunk – and notes that, if Hannah doesn't believe him, she can ask the rest of the guys in the house about The Bad Luke and find out what a wild man he's become. So she does – and nobody has anything nice to say.

Here's my question: Why does Hannah need this information? Don't you already know this? Just last week, you were uncomfortable about Luke P. acting over-aggressive and possessive toward you and overly sensitive about other guys being in this competition – but now that he's acting upon all of those things, you're like, "Well gosh, I just DON'T KNOW WHAT COULD BE HAPPENING HERE." This smells annoyingly like "Bachelorette" producers keeping drama around for the sake of drama – and it frustratingly makes the Bachelorette seem like a dummy who's easily getting played.

Meanwhile, Resting Serial Killer Face Kevin is back, wearing every bandage on his injured arm. But still Garrett gets the rose, because Garrett's one of the few guys who talked about something other than the dueling Lukes and "broke down his walls." Sorry Kevin; looks like you sprained your fjdkslajfdklsajfoid for nothing.

The next morning, Hannah is just TOO DISTRAUGHT by her Uncool Hand Lukes to go on her solo date with Tyler C. But Tyler C. manages to talk his way into getting his date with Hannah, telling her that all of this happens for a reason (groan) and that he wants to be the person who improves her day when she's feeling down (better). At his best, he sounds like somebody who genuinely wants to be there for her during the tough times; at his worst, he sounds like a dad trying to convince the kids THAT THEY'RE GOING TO HAVE FUN ON THIS CAMPING TRIP, GOD DAMMIT! Still, he's mostly the former, so Hannah and Tyler C. head on the sea and fish for lobster. Oooooooh, I see what happened here: Hannah just didn't want to work today! She found out that "laboring on the open seas" was on the date to-do list, and she was like, "Oh no, I've actually fallen sick with a case of fighting d-bag boyfriends. Raincheck?" Honestly, I respect it.

As for the rest of the date, things go well. Tyler C. notes at one point that he's a "big time griller, big time chiller" which is the most dad thing anyone's ever said – and will also make a great occupation on his lower third when he arrives on "Bachelor in Paradise." Speaking of dads, later on at dinner, Tyler C. tells Hannah a story about how he and his father, who was on his deathbed, bonded over watching "The Bachelor" and how it was his father who inspired him to audition for the show because he knew Hannah was right for his son. Never mind that I'm pretty sure that you don't know who the chosen Bachelorette is before you audition – but let's not let that get in the way of an otherwise nice story. He gets a rose, plus the Requisite Surprise Country Concert.

Now for the fate of the rest of the roses. But first things first: As the dudes pile into their Newport locale, some anonymous guy first gets way too excited about the lion statues outside the building before exclaiming, "This is an alpha male's house!" Whoever said that needs to leave the show immediately. I have a feeling it's Luke P., because he seems like the kind of guy who would both say "alpha male" unironically and be way too into lions. Anyways, MORE REASONS TO ELIMINATE THE BAD LUKE – though even the guys in the house are pretty sure he'll stay, probably because they've watched the show before. And also because Luke S. is kind of a bore who probably wouldn't be around much longer anyways. Why can't the villains on these shows ever pick fights with charismatic people!?

Anyways, let's take a brief timeout from the Lukes and talk about Peter the Pilot, who adorably asks Hannah if he can call her his girlfriend. It's a really cute, not to mention clever, play – how are you gonna eliminate the one guy on the show you've sweetly called your boyfriend?! – and I AM INTO IT. Less into watching the two of them doing an intense, fully reclined makeout session afterwards, but otherwise, Peter the Pilot is flying into first place. (Hi, yes, I've had that pun in my pocket since episode one.)

But BACK TO THE LUKES! Not since "Star Wars" has there been this much drama focused on a Luke. The guys in the house are already tired of The Bad Luke's act, as Mike calls him a psychopath – and a millennial f*ckstick! The Bad Luke, after doing his best impression of the angry "Arthur" meme, responds with an excellent counterpoint: No, I'm not a psychopath because I pulled up the definition on my iPhone, and I don't think that's me! WELL, I AM CONVINCED. Somehow, amongst all of this bickering, we've left out the worst thing about The Bad Luke: He keeps sitting on couches where there's no room! He did it earlier this season, and he did it again tonight, wedging himself onto the world's tiniest couch when Tyler C. was already sitting there. Listen, I know it's not easy to find room when your shoulders are four feet wide, but maybe the three-inch space on the loveseat isn't for you? Somehow this goes unchecked.

Instead, we dedicate our energy back to The Good Luke – eh, more like The Mediocre Luke. Lukewarm? Anyways, he asks The Bad Luke if he truly thinks he's there just to sell tequila. The Bad Luke admits that nah, he doesn't. So Lukewarm tells him he should tell Hannah the truth – with Garrett smartly adding that it's not enough: The Bad Luke needs to tell Hannah that not only is Lukewarm there for the right reasons, but that he was wrong. And The Bad Luke says he will.

So yeah ... you know how this goes.

The Bad Luke doesn't tell Hannah that. Instead, he frames the whole thing as "Luke S. forced me to put in a good word for him to you." And Hannah, serving as the most gullible person in the world for the producers, is not sure if he's telling the truth or not. So instead of ending on a climactic rose ceremony, she calls the Two Lukes into her office to finally iron out what's really going on – and who should really go home.

Which means next week: TWO LUKES ENTER! ONE LUKE LEAVES! Or actually, hopefully both Lukes leave. I say nuke the Lukes.


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