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Somehow Demi has nothing to do with the drama on "Bachelor in Paradise."

"Bachelor in Paradise" recap: One episode in, and there's already drama

Did you think "The Bachelor" was done for a bit after Hannah B.'s finale last week? YOU THOUGHT WRONG! There are no breaks. There is no relief. There is no mercy, and there is no God. There is only more "Bachelor" – "Bachelor in Paradise," in this case.

We open shockingly without Mike Reno, Ann Wilson and the season's cast members cornily crooning us onto the beach, and instead open on introductions to all of the "Bachelor" rejects headed out to "Paradise" to start the season. We don't really need introductions, ABC, since we already know who these people are – if we're watching "Bachelor in Paradise," we probably watch the show proper too – but whatever.

There's Tayshia from Colton's season, whose dad doesn't want her wearing any two-piece swimsuits on the show. THAT'S what you're worried about, Padre? Your daughter's headed onto a show that's just people hooking up and getting plastered on a beach, and you're concerned about bikinis? Priorities, sir. There's also Blake from Becca's season who believes in being open, honest and crying a lot. For some reason, Katie from Colton's season is also there, hiding in the bushes and wearing some Carmen Sandiego spy outfit that I do not understand. This show may already be drunk. She's made some weird yarn web bulletin board thing on which guys she wants to date on the beach, but really it just looks like she's trying to find out who Pepe Silvia is. THERE IS NO CAROL IN HR! Anyways, this is all wildly dorky and the worst thing I've ever seen on this show.

OH NO I SPOKE TOO SOON; CAM IS RAPPING! Indeed, they introduce Cam – the scummy guy from Hannah's season; no, the other scummy guy – with a rap that only goes on for 27 years or so. I am currently writing this recap from the planet's mantle because I was so embarrassed by this scene that I slipped out of my seat while he was spitting lyrics (and spitting into the faces of all actual rappers) and sunk into the core of the Earth. Thankfully, someone somewhere showed us mercy and ended the rap to show us Jane from Colton's season. Who is Jane, you may ask? Excellent question! She was allegedly there on the first night but got the boot right away. Truly a fan favorite, "Bachelor" producers! She has to come up with some personality for the show, so she landed on "I really, really, unnaturally love hot sauce." Jane will not be long for this show.

Who else, who else. Oh, Hannah G. from Colton's season is here, as well as Demi, who's smashing the glass ceiling on the show by being the show's first contestant to be fluid in her sexuality. (How quickly we forget Jaimi being bisexual back in 2017.) But hey, the show seems to be taking it seriously this time around instead of playing it like some kooky twist two years ago, so PROGRESS IS PROGRESS. There's also football player Clay from Becca's season, human tear duct Nicole from Colton's season and some guy who looks like Gerard Butler who's been on the show FIVE TIMES already. My dude, stop coming on this show; it's not working. That's why God created Tinder and Bumble and, I don't know, Farmer's Only. The reality TV thing ain't working out, Gerard. You're making me sad.

We'll see who else shows up, but the awkwardly painted pottery from "Bachelorette" Hannah's Greek proposal set is all in place, and Harrison's flipped the sign from closed to open – "Bachelor in Paradise" has begun!

Hannah G. is the first to arrive, leaving just her and the sand's "good relationship energy" on the beach – which is probably the most calm and relaxing this beach will ever be. Just one person meandering the set and the waves. I'd honestly hope nobody ever arrived, leaving just me, the serene ocean and an open bar. Unfortunately, other people show up. Blake strolls in next, and the two knock back a shot of tequila – with no lime or salt or chaser of any kind for Hannah. I feel those vibes, as I too have been knocking back alcohol relentlessly and without relief since this started. Katie arrives next, then Dylan from Hannah's season. Katie hypothesizes that a ton of girls will go for Blake and Dylan. WELL THEY'RE THE ONLY ONES ON THE BEACH THUS FAR SO GOOD MATH! Cue Sydney from Colton's season, cue Derek – who I thought was absolutely terrific as the dad in "A Quiet Place" – cue Tayshia and cue Kevin aka Resting Serial Killer Face from Hannah's season. Harrison makes fun of him for being pasty – and that was the last we ever saw of Harrison.

Wills shows up next, and he's got his eyes on Hannah, but Blake's already taken her aside. Poor guy – and he had so many plans. He wanted to charm Hannah by ... interviewing her and grilling her with questions? How romantic. Meanwhile, Blake's already smoothly asking her Wills' questions, like what's your favorite food. Her answer: charcuterie board. WHOSE FAVORITE FOOD IS A CHARCUTERIE BOARD!? This woman is not to be trusted.

Anyways, Demi shows up, followed by Onyeka – and so far everybody's happy. Dylan says he hopes for no drama on the show, and DAMMIT DYLAN YOU JUST CURSED THE SHOW INTO BEING INTERESTING! Indeed, as if on cue (because it was on cue because the show is wildly scripted and edited this way), Cam shows up with his catchphrase, "Always Be Cam" – or "Always Beach Cam" for "Paradise." And of course everybody hates that. Weird to watch a show on ABC featuring everybody going, "Ugh, ABC: We hate that so much." That catchphrase is the least of Cam's douchebaggery, however, as he shows up with a bright cheetah-print shirt, talking about fake boobs and asking if people's eyes are real. He also wants to chat with each woman about their future marriage and children. You've known these people for five minutes, man. Cool your jets. Somehow the rapping is the least of his red flags. Someone please save me from having to watch him more.

LO AND BEHOLD, A HERO ARRIVES. His name is John Paul Jones, and he is wearing a speedo. Onyeka is interested in him right off the bat – probably because he's the only person to earn his own special introduction when he arrived on the beach – but JPJ is THOROUGHLY disinterested in her. Can I please see a transcript of their conversation?

Onyeka: So I was –

JPJ: Yeah

Onyeka: And that's when I realized –

JPJ: Yeah

Onyeka: We had a lot of –

JPJ: Yeah (*stares off in any direction other than at Onyeka*)

ROMANCE! Then again, later on, JPJ has a hard time concentrating when Hannah's talking to him as well, so he just may just not find anyone that interesting. He DEMANDS a fellow three-namer – or at least someone with chicken nuggets.

Gerard Butler arrives, along with Hot Sauce Jane, Clay, Annaliese – who shows up already talking crap and being dramatic about Clay; settle down, girl – Bibi and Nicole. Blake's just so happy that everyone's so chill and there's no drama going on at all – and now you've done it, Blake. You might as well have said, "I think he's gone and we're safe" in a horror movie. And timed perfectly, here comes Caelynn who Blake has a history with – a history that sends him running away from everyone on the beach. CAN'T BE A GOOD SIGN!

Before we find out more about that, though, Harrison rounds up all the cast members and gives Blake the first date card. Everyone thinks he's going to use it on Hannah G., including Hannah G., but – TWIST! – he takes Tayshia on the date instead. The two go out for a nice dinner under a ceiling of glowing strings of lights. It is a WILD waste of electricity, and I feel very bad for the "Bachelor" interns who had to put all thousand of those up. The two then end the date in a hot tub – one hour and 18 minutes to get into a hot tub, longer than I expected! Overall, the date seems to have gone well.

However, back on the beach, things are NOT going well for Blake as Caelynn starts to unfold the story of what happened between the two. As it turns out, he was kinda seeing her ... while he was also kind of seeing Kristina, and things came to a head at Stagecoach country music festival when he slept with both women within 24 hours of each other, then told Caelynn to not tell anyone about their hook-up, making her feel like some dirty secret. In fairness to Caelynn, that's crappy behavior from Blake. In UNfairness to Caelynn, however, this is all she chooses to talk about for the rest of the episode. Listen, we get that he might suck ... BUT IF ONLY THERE WERE EIGHT OTHER RIDICULOUSLY HANDSOME DUDES YOU COULD FOCUS ON INSTEAD. I guess we'll also just ignore that she was a mild gossip during Colton's season with Hannah B. as well.

Meanwhile, Annaliese keeps trying to throw cold water on everyone's excitement about Clay because she thinks he's not over his ex, fellow former "Bachelor" contestant Angela. But nobody cares. Poor Annaliese, constantly showing up on this show to be ruthlessly dunked upon and ignored. Again: Tinder and Bumble exist! You don't have to keep embarrassing yourself on TV to find a date!

While all that is going on and while Demi is CLEARLY getting hammered – finally, someone with their priorities right – Dylan makes his move on Hannah G., taking her aside for awkward but cute chats. It's not the smoothest conversation – she asks if she makes him nervous, and he's like, "YOU ABSOLUTELY BET!" while dripping in cold sweat – but it's kind of sweet and ends in a makeout session. Good for you two. "This is the best night of my life with Hannah," Dylan tells us afterward. This is also the first night of your life with Hannah, so settle down for a bit.

Elsewhere on the beach, Caelynn is finding new people to complain to about Blake – and if you thought that was stopping anytime soon, well, cue the sad trumpet sound effect because HERE COMES KRISTINA! I bet Blake thought he was going to have a fun time on this beach; instead he's looking at the ocean and planning to walk into it, never to return. ENJOY THIS NEW "SAW" MOVIE STARRING YOU, DUDE!

Kristina arrives with a date card as well. Cam tries to get in on that, but quickly gets rejected after asking about kids and family within five seconds of conversation. CAM, NOBODY WANTS TO TALK KIDS ON SEXY-TIME BEACH SHOW! I can't believe I'm saying this, but stick to the rapping. Anyways, Kristina ends up asking Blake on the date, upsetting Caelynn even more and upsetting Tayshia and probably upsetting all of the dudes on the beach since he's batting 1.000 when it comes to getting all of the dates thus far this season. LOOKING GOOD, BLAKE! Somehow I get the feeling that streak will come to a close next episode – especially if Caelynn has anything to say about it. (And she clearly has PLENTY to say about it.)

Look at that: Two hours in, and already all this drama. And Dean's gross-ass porno plumber mustache hasn't even arrived yet!


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