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Kevin and Astrid are surely staying together through the end of the season, right? RIGHT?!

"Bachelor in Paradise" recap: All good things must come to an end

After spending most of my day sick in bed with a persistent head cold, hating my body and the universe, I was actually looking forward to "Bachelor in Paradise." After all, what better cure for feeling like garbage than watching pretty people on a sunny beautiful beach without a care in the world? Plus, considering this was the penultimate episode, I assumed I'd see some of my favorite couples seal the deal with proclamations of love and maybe even flash some rings. LOVE HEALS ALL, or so I'd say the next day, miraculously saved by the power of mindless reality dating shows.

Instead, every couple I really liked on this show died a horrible, tear-soaked death Monday night, and my happy escape from a head clogged with snot and pain was ruined. I WAS ROOTING FOR YOU, "BACHELOR IN PARADISE!" Sigh, I guess I'll just have to turn to actual medicine now.

Speaking of things relentlessly pounding at my brain and slowly killing me, the episode began with somehow more "Shushanna is a witch" nonsense. Because apparently an hour of that last week was not enough. Anyways, Kamil's feeling pretty weirded out that Shu burned a photo of him in a bonfire the night before. I'd be more concerned that she had a photo of me to begin with that she brought with and framed, but since it's currently ash, I guess that's besides the point now.

Luckily, there's a date card to distract everyone from the witchcraft, hinting at a day on a photoshoot. So, of course, that date card's headed Jordan's way – who predictably takes Jenna as his date. But this is no ordinary photoshoot – and I'm not just saying that because of the photographer's neon purple hair. This is an engagement photoshoot, complete with a wedding dress and a tuxedo. Jordan's all about it – probably because it's a photoshoot, his natural habitat – but Jenna's a little nervy about it. Thankfully, Jordan is enough fun that she seems to loosen up – and in case the wedding attire was a little too serious, the two bound into the ocean wearing the fancy clothes and utterly ruin them in the salty waves. And because the ocean is apparently a creep, Jenna's dress gets super undone. Be careful, ocean, or Jordan's gonna have WORDS WITH YOU.

The two return back to the "Bachelor in Paradise" beach happy, with Jordan even saying that he doesn't think the two of them will ever part and COME ON, JORDAN, FAMOUS LAST WORDS. So, of course, there's a handsome new arrival in the form of Robby – and even if you didn't know about his supposed cheating that killed his post-"Paradise" relationship with Amanda last season, you know he sucks because he namedrops his Instagram handle in the middle of his introduction. Gross.

Anyways, no one is happy to see him – and no one seems particularly interested in dating him. He pulls Crystal and Jenna aside, but both of them swat him away considering they're happily in committed relationships. Of course, that doesn't stop Jordan from getting in his protective defensive male posturing mode – aka his worst mode – and needing to have a few words with Robby about going after his girl. Dude, they had this covered; he was interested in her, she shut it down, he received the message. No confrontation needed! You'd have found a more intense fight if you'd actually slapped two Ken dolls against one another. Hell, two Care Bears would've provide a better duel.

With everyone else pretty much in a committed relationship – or just not at all interested in dating a convicted cheat – Robby lands on Shushanna, who finally says yes to going on a date with someone. Good for her; she needs some time off this beach filled with people calling her a witch. But before she goes, she heads to the bar where a champagne bottle quickly explodes in Wells' hands. WITCHCRAFT!? Or is maybe Wells a really bad bartender who mishandled a bottle of bubbly? WHO COULD KNOW!? Anyways, their date seems fine – though the producers put their dinner table under a tree that's raining small berries so that seems annoying.

Back on the beach, Kiwi Jordan and Cassandra finally take their flirtation to the next level and kiss. After that, she finally sees the two of them ... as best friends. Ouch. Never a promising sign of romance when a girl's reaction to your first kiss is "What a good pal." Meanwhile, Grocery Joe and Kendall are happy and cute, but Joe is concerned that she has commitment issues with their relationship. She seems to always be seeking an out, while he's been committed to her the whole way through. But surely they'll be fine, right? I mean, it's not like there's a ton of options at this point on the show. What's she going to do, give her rose to that bird that's always hunting on the beach? She'll give him her rose, I'm sure of it – and if not, well, I guess love is dead.

Harrison must've been thanking the heavens for their relationship drama, because otherwise, Monday's rose ceremony would be pretty tame. After all, there's only one guy leaving and only one relationship up in the air: Diggy and John duking it out for Olivia. Diggy steals her away first, chatting for a bit before summoning the same trumpet man from their date to serenade them. Unfortunately he's not enough to keep her around, as John swipes her away to look at some sunflowers. Cue literal sad trumpet sound.

Olivia has more than just her own relationship on her mind, however, as she takes Shu aside to fill her in on Robby's untrustworthy past. Shu takes what she's learned to Robby, who denies it all ... and she's totally on board, not doubting any of it. Welp, that was a damp squib of drama, "Bachelor in Paradise." I guess nothing all that dramatic or shocking is happening during tonight's rose ceremony OH NO DID I JUST FAMOUS LAST WORDS!?

Indeed, Grocery Joe and Kendall are still having tense conversation, as Joe's confused about why Kendall seems so squeamish about their relationship. She says she doesn't know what kind of love it is or if she's "in" love. (Again this show with the semantics.) She says she doesn't know how she feels and that she doesn't know how HE feels, which he disagrees with strongly since he's been by her side, not going on any other dates or pursuing anyone else since about the second episode. And if she didn't know how he felt before, she sure knows now as her lack of commitment and confusion sends him frustratedly out the door. That's right: Grocery Joe bails, walking right off the beach and taking the SUV ride of sadness back to reality, followed shortly by a tear-filled Kendall who also calls it quits now that her relationship is more dead than her taxidermy collection back home. Maybe it was the head cold haze BUT I DID NOT SEE THAT COMING. Love is indeed dead, and now my heart hurts as much as my head. THANKS A LOT, "BACHELOR IN PARADISE."

Oh yeah, I guess there's a rose ceremony tonight too – though it's almost besides the point now that Joe and Kendall are no more and love has been murdered. All the roses go to all the predictable places, and Olivia's up-for-grabs rose ends up going to John, sending Diggy home all too soon. This show keeps doing Diggy wrong. GET THIS MAN STARRING ON A FULL SEASON OF "THE BACHELOR," STAT. But first, get him a car ride off the "Bachelor in Paradise" beach ... complete with the trumpet man, who apparently got the axe too. Cue the saddest trumpet sound.

At least he won't be missing too much time on the beach, however, as the next morning, Harrison breaks the news that it's their final day on the beach – meaning it's fantasy suite night and then potentially proposal time. It's time for the couples to assess where they're at and if it's the right time to get freaky in a hotel room. John takes Olivia aside and says that they're probably not ready for the pressures of a fantasy suite date but that he'd love to still hang out outside the show, and she agrees. It's a kinda precious. Cassandra and Kiwi Jordan aren't ready for that step either. Chris and Crystal sign up for the date, as do Jordan and Jenna, obviously. And even though Kamil seems conflicted about committing to Annaliese, exuding an excitement level usually on par with folding socks, he agrees to the fantasy suite too. There's no way these are dating beyond this show; Annaliese is clearly 5,000 times more happy in this relationship than Kamil. This show's definitely ending with at least one more shot of Annaliese crying in front of that rock formation.

And then there's Kevin and Astrid, who are almost certainly going on the fantasy suite date. After all, they've been the most secure couple pretty much this entire season, and they're delightful and ... wait, why is Kevin crying? In a case of horrible timing, all of Kevin's enraging insecurities about relationships and commitment strike, causing him to overthink this whole situation and basically break up with Astrid. It's a pretty brutal display of self-sabotage, as Astrid storms away from him and he howls, "Don't leave me like this!" YOU DOPE, YOU JUST BROKE UP WITH HER. So that's another cute relationship killed on screen. NONE OF THIS IS MAKING ME FEEL BETTER.

So that leaves Chris and Krystal, Annaliese and Kamil, and Jordan and Jenna as the last couples remaining headed off to fantasy suite night. Jordan and Jenna get all cute, Krystal blindfolds Chris and gives him a feathering (?), and Kamil gives Annaliese some Polish sausage. WHAT, HE DOES! There's literally a delicious Polish sausage waiting for the two to snack on when they arrive. But if you think that joke is too obvious and easy and crude, well, the episode does one better, ending with literal fireworks as the couples each get down to business. Well, actually the episode ends with Kamil grabbing the leftover sausage to take to the bedroom. Because nothing says sexy like drippy, greasy, smoked meats in bed. And now I'm feeling even more nauseous than before the show started.

Wait, tomorrow night is the last episode of the season? With a several month break in between the end of this season and the start of "The Bachelor"? Well, actually, I think I'm suddenly feeling a whole lot better.


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