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Leo, mid-evil pondering.

"Bachelor in Paradise" recap: Leo tries and fails to burn it all down

After several episodes of being a jerk, Leo – aka Jason Fauxmoa, aka Aquamane, aka Fauxbio – decided Tuesday night that, faced with elimination, he was going to instead burn "Bachelor in Paradise" to the ground. And I was totally for it. I've been driven so insane by watching Colton and Tia's tear-soaked "will they or won't they" routine and ABC's ocean of ads for "A Million Little Things" (just call yourself "This Is Us Too," posers) that arson, eh, maybe a quality idea.

Unfortunately, by the end of the night, it was Leo who'd been turned to ash while the beach set was still standing. In fact, instead of burning it all to the ground, he actually made things more wet by splashing his drink all over Grocery Store Joe and the set before bailing on the show. I should've expected this would be the result when you send Aquaman's stunt double in to torch a place. How disappointing.

Yep, that was the most fiery action Tuesday night during night two of our weekly "Bachelor in Paradise" binge. Leading up to that, Leo and Kendall were having their heated conversation about how she was upset Leo had kissed another girl right after their date and how he was upset that she found out that he had kissed another girl right after their date. Eventually things devolved into name-calling and condescension, so much so even the rest of the "Paradise" cast didn't enjoy the drama. SO SEND IN BOGEGA BRO! Joe pops in, gives Kendall an out and ends the fight. He's such a good dude; I can't believe Kendall ditched him for Locks of Loathe.

Speaking of loathing things, the Jenna/Jordan/Benoit love triangle still exists – despite Jenna cutting off the French-Canadian the night before. The two meet at the bar where she tries to say that she broke up with him for his sake, and Benoit says that's hot garbage, that she has no idea what's best for him and just say that you want this for you. Seems fair, really. But somehow this leaves Jenna sobbing into her pillow and lamenting that having to care about another's heart and emotions is too much work. Well then JORDAN'S PERFECT FOR HER!

And speak of the devil, Jordan shows up and assumes crying Jenna means Benoit was a jerkface, so he puts on his puffed-chest performative protector boyfriend BS again – a routine I'm very tired of, especially when it's all based on some Jenna half-truths (she says Benoit yelled at her; he didn't) and especially when, dude, everybody just move on. Between Benoit and Kevin, I haven't seen this many frustrated Canadians since the Vancouver Canucks lost the 2011 Stanley Cup. Thankfully, Wells extinguishes the situation by leaping on a classic Jordan nonsense metaphor – why just be a glass case of emotion when you can be a briefcase full of passion?! – and turning that into bar chat. God bless you, Wells.

Now that all old business is taken care of, we move on to new business – mainly a new date card, which gets handed off to ... Eric! CONGRATULATIONS: THE PRODUCERS REMEMBERED YOU AND ANGELA EXIST! As a way of apologizing for ignoring them, the "Paradise" producers send the couple to a hotel so preposterously swanky that even Trump would find it ostentatious. The toilet is golden. There's a bathtub of champagne – and if that's not enough bubbly, there's a pre-poured pyramid of champagne flutes too. They have a professional rose pedal sprinkler on duty (though she clearly hates her job). AND ARE THOSE GOLD BARS JUST CASUALLY CHILLING OUT ON THE TABLE?! We haven't even gotten to the cheese board or the ice cream sundae the size of New Hampshire. (And I bet these two only took, like, four bites before calling it a day.)

Wasting all that ice cream aside, Eric and Angela have a cute date indulging on indulgence – and I look forward to this definitely not foreshadowing any future drama for the pair this episode.

Meanwhile, Chris R. tries to be romantic ... by putting Krystal to work teaching him yoga. It's supposed to be cute and goofy, but reminder: This is Chris R., the guy who keeps trying to make "The Goose" a thing. So it's not. Also, you just know as soon as the cameras stopped rolling that Krystal charged him her usual hourly rate for yoga lessons. Hope you've got $212 buried somewhere in the sand, Goose!

As for other couples, Joe says that, after his heroic rescue the day before, he sees Kendall and him sticking together, with nothing changing on the horizon. FAMOUS LAST WORDS, BODEGA JOE! Of course that cues sweet nerd John to go see if Kendall would be interested in him – and she's at least intrigued enough to make out with him for a little bit. Kendall, girl, what are you doing? Thankfully, she asks herself the same thing shortly after, comes clean to Joe and the two OFFICIALLY decide to become a confident couple. "Hopefully guys stop kissing my girlfriend; that would be nice," says Joe, in the least happy relationship announcement ever.

Meanwhile, Leo – knowing he's doomed – enjoys the last of his free mimosas and plots his grand exit from the show, aka arriving to the rose ceremony cocktail party with a rude toast to Kendall, calling her full of sh*t and Joe "Grocery Store B*tch," and then stomping off the set and grabbing a ride home. WAS NOT NICE HAVING YOU. Before he can officially leave, though, Joe-Dega hunts him down and the two have a very underwhelming tiff. Joe gets in his face. Leo tosses his drink on him. Then the two politely wait for the "Bachelor" production crew to get in between them before GETTING REALLLLLLY MAD COME AT MY BROO! The best part is afterward when Joe seems really mad that his plain T-shirt got drink on it, giving me flashbacks to "Not Another Teen Movie."

Harrison arrives just in time to do nothing about the fight. Really keeping things under control here, pal. What he lacks in group management skills, however, he gains in fashion advice as his blue suit scores a compliment from Tia (which then scores a "Da fuq?" from Colton). Jordan, however, is unimpressed by his pocket square game. Frankly, I want the version of "Bachelor in Paradise" where it's just the case praising and ridiculing Harrison's wardrobe. Like "What Not To Wear" but for a guy who owns a considerable chunk of ABC's production lot. Would watch.

So after building up to this rose ceremony for 24 hours, the actual event isn't much drama at all. After all, most of the castaways are coupled up now – with Chelsea's rose serving as the night's only question mark. David attempts to play the empathy card with her, saying that they might not have a spark but he'd like for them both to be able to see who might walk in next on "Paradise." Benoit plays the poutine card. Connor tries the "Oh, did my shirt get sexily unbuttoned? HOW DID THAT HAPPEN!?" approach. And John is John. So John wins, sending Chicken Man, Fluffy and a very sad Frenchman home.

If you thought maybe this meant Chelsea and John will become the beach's next couple, welp, sad trumpet sound. Olivia arrives, claiming that she's from Arie's season but really no one can no for sure. Anyways, she's into John, which is good news for her considering he's the only dude available. (Sorry, Chelsea.) So the two go on a date: awkwardly crashing a girl's quinceanera. The two have a decently fun time and seem cute together ... but I need to have words with the "Bachelor" writer who thought it'd be fun to send two grown adults to crash a 15-year-old's birthday party. In the real world, if you did that, you would not be allowed around playgrounds or schools anymore.

Back on the beach, Angela says that no matter who comes in next, she's smitten with Eric and that she's confident all will be good with them and FAMOUS LAST WORDS, ANGELA. It's like none of you even watch this show. Cue Cassandra from ... Juan Pablo's season?! Jesus, that was like 45 years ago. (Fact check: Just four years, which is still a long-ass time.) No matter the case, she's here ... and Eric's in trouble. He's now smitten, and when Cassandra comes at him with her date card, he can't help but say yes. So he hilariously takes Angela aside and explains that while, yes, he said that he didn't want to date anyone but her the night before and that he was committed to her and that they were perfect, today is a new day – and after a nice night's sleep, he realized nah to all of that.

It's so blatantly sleazy and a lie, you can't not laugh ... unless you're Angela, of course, and you've just had your heart punched in the face. Or unless you're one of the other women on the island, suddenly concerned about your significant other flipping on you the next time a new hottie walks down the steps. Because apparently on "Bachelor in Paradise," unfaithfulness is like a very contagious STD – and Eric just tested positive.

What a fun note to end this week on! Or it would be if I didn't see the scenes from next week's episodes, which is a greatest hits collection of the world's worst things. Colton and Tia crying! Babies crying! A THREE-HOUR EPISODE! With another regular episode the next night, equalling FIVE HOURS of "Bachelor in Paradise" next week!? I'm starting to get those arson feelings again ...


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