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Tia (center) and Colton supposedly figured out their situation last night. Supposedly.

"Bachelor in Paradise" recap: Tia and Colton finally figure it out ... for now

After approximately 17 years (or at least what's certainly felt like most of a lifetime) of back-and-forth, confused emotions, blood, sweat and televised tears, Colton and Tia finally became a thing Monday night on "Bachelor in Paradise." I'm so happy for Chris Harrison and "The Bachelor" franchise; they've wanted this for so long.

First, we had to take care of the Chris R. situation – and this may shock you, but Chris R. turned out to be a massive douche nozzle. And the forgiveness tour was going well. After finding out he made out with Krystal the night before (though his REAL crime was that awful extended dinner/dessert metaphor he was working on with Jordan afterward), Raven confronts Chris R. about his cheating ways. And you might think calling Tia "Raven" is a joke ... but I also just legitimately called Tia that in my notes involuntarily without trying to be funny. (Yes, I take notes watching "The Bachelor"; my trash television is very important to me.)

Anyways, Chris R. tries to defend himself, talking himself into circles about why he's totally fine making out with Krystal after committing himself to Tia, while she runs through every hilarious facial reaction she's got in the portfolio. She looks like she's about to have a mental breakdown from the hazmat-required Chris R. dumbness radiating from the conversation. Then Krystal pops over for a bit, sipping on a margarita like it's Kermit's tea – and and obviously that's not helping the situation. So there's obviously only one solution left for Tia: walk away. Also: tequila.

And yet somehow Krystal's the one who ends up in tears at the end of all of this? See, after Tia calls it a day and heads off to decontaminate her brain with tequila, Krystal tries to chat with Chris R., and he harrumphs off, breaking her heart. I'm just saying NONE OF THIS WOULD'VE HAPPENED IF YOU HADN'T BROKEN KENNY'S HEART. Always take KENNY! over a love square – especially with Chris R., who retreats to Jordan for advice on the situation. Why anyone other than the costume designer for Disney's live-action "Aladdin" remake would go to Jordan for advice on anything is a true bafflement ... but in fairness to him, his advice to be more clear about making moves and being open-minded is technically sound.

As for the rest of the island – yes, there is a whole beach of people beyond Colton, Chris R. and Tia – Jacqueline from Arie's season has arrived, which is bad news according to Bibiana because new people always look and smell fabulous, and she's sweaty as hell because apparently they don't have showers in paradise. But Jacqueline's entrance is even more of a problem for (of course) Tia, because she comes in very intrigued by (YOU GUESSED IT!) Colton. These ladies just love that football virgin. Jacqueline even tries to use her date card on Colton, almost sending Tia to an early grave, but Colton wisely turns it down, explaining that he's dealing with a lot already and a date with her would only muddy the waters even more. A rare intelligent move!

He goes to comfort Tia and bring her the good news ... but then messes that up by saying that he's thinking about leaving the show so he can figure his ish out elsewhere. And Tia gets sad because she likes him – and also she really likes being on vacation on this nice sunny beach with free food and drink.

As for poor rejected Jacqueline, she's still got a date card to use. How about a date with KENNY!? Sure, why not. Since they already used his lucha libre wrestling date on Krystal, the two of them just end up going out to a nice dinner. There have been worse ways to spend a night then far away from Chris R. – and as far as emotional connections, there have been worse dates. The two have fun, snappy conversation about KENNY! going to Guyana to learn more about his family, Jacqueline's time living in Slovakia and how she owns a pair of fancy binoculars for the theater. BUT DOES SHE ALSO HAVE A MONOCLE; BACHELOR NATION MUST KNOW!

Anyways, the discussion is nice – but it's also profoundly unromantic, mostly just solid smalltalk. Sure, by the end of the night, they're kissing while watching fireworks, but that's just a "Bachelor" contract stipulation. No fireworks are allowed without kissing. So there's still hope for Annaliese, who desperately wants to find love and is thiiiiiiiirsty for KENNY! This is fair – though I can't imagine the girl who's traumatized by birds, bumper cars and 81 percent of all things on Earth being chill with wrestling.

Meanwhile, Krystal's still sad about the Chris R. blowback, so he comes over to chat with her. Plus, he has a surprise for her, and that surprise is ... absolutely nothing. This guy sucks. But apparently Krystal's still into him because they match up well and she can talk about investing in her Roth IRA with him. HOT! Apparently they're a couple now – which is great. I wish them the best, and when this is over, I hope they move to an island as far away from any television cameras as possible. Maybe one of those inhospitable islands that the government literally nuked to death in the Pacific? Don't worry, lovebirds; I'll book that for you now.

But more importantly, WHAT ABOUT COLTON AND TIA?! It's been all of seven minutes since we've talked about them on this show, so obviously that must be amended. Bibiana tries to give Colton a pep talk about his relationship with Tia, preaching that they have a great story. Do they, though? "We dated for a bit, and then I went on a reality show thinking you'd be the star – but instead it was somebody else, but I fell in love with her too. And then after she dumped me, I fell in love with you again ... eventually." Truly a romance for the ages. Nicholas Sparks would be proud. Meanwhile, as for the opposite of a pep talk, Chris R. is sick and tired of the Tia and Colton drama. Never mind that DUDE, YOU WERE LITERALLY THE DRAMA 15 MINUTES AGO. Go home – and take your bandana with you, you Cobra Kai chump.

Anyways, Colton and Tia talk – and YAY FOR LOVE they're gonna both stay on the island and give being together a shot. Thank Christ that's over. I know love is work ... but it shouldn't be THAT hard.

Now that those two are settled, we can finally have a rose ceremony – or at least a cocktail party first, where Chris Harrison gets his requisite 47 seconds of screen time. (Plus, as an extra bonus, a fashion compliment from Eric, which you know went straight into Harrison's diary. "They liked my purple shirt! SQUEEEEE!")

Everyone's making their final plays. Caroline and Jubilee are duking it out for John, with Jubilee giving him a massage and Caroline giving him the false promise of s'mores. So I know who's winning there. Kenny and Jacqueline debate Edgar Allen Poe reference, which I believe marks the first time a literary reference has ever graced the "Bachelor" franchise. Big moment for Edgar. Oh, and Astrid and Kevin are just sitting around, eating sausage. Not a double entendre – the two are literally just eating tasty smoked meat products. Talk about living your best life.

But the story of the night is Jordan – starting with his outfit, which is some sort of festive floral matching vest and pant combo that is ... a choice. He models his look for Jenna, who he's really into. He likes that she claps when she laughs (aw) and that she squirted coffee into his mouth when they kissed (uh). Also: They're literally the same person. Ditzy blondes: UNITE!

Unfortunately, somebody gets in their way – and I think you can make a good guess who. David the Chicken Man, who as it turns out is still there, decides his trolling of Jordan isn't finished and brings Jenna a gigantic stuffed animal dog. I mean Clifford the Big Red Dog sits in this thing's shadow. So Jordan does the logical thing: silently and swiftly grabbing the mammoth toy pooch, dragging it across the beach, suffocating it and launching it into the ocean. So far, so Jordan.

But then Jordan breaks. Normally his antics are fun and dumb and light-hearted and great television – and throwing a romantic rival's huge stuffed dog into the Gulf of Mexico definitely qualifies there. But then he goes further, snapping profanely and cruelly at Chelsea and Jubilee for just talking. Normally the dog-throwing antics would be fun, but now shaded with his rudeness and rage toward women, it comes off as possessive and potentially dangerous. I've been very Team Jordan so far, but this is all indefensible. Later on, right before the ceremony, he does apologize, only sounding a little like he's reading cue cards and that he's being held at gunpoint. But apparently that qualifies enough as genuine.

Jordan also gives out the first rose of the evening, which he offers ... to himself. No, just kidding; he gives it to Jenna – but admit it, you can totally see it happening. David hands his rose off to Chelsea, which ... sure? Astrid and Kevin link up (because sausage!), and Chris R. and Krystal continue together. Kendall and Grocery Joe, the most stable and most delightful couple of the show, keep making things official with a rose. Same with Tia and Colton, minus the stable and delightful part. And Eric and Angela are not only still on this show – but also a duo. Who knew?!

That leaves just two dramatic roses: John and Kenny. John hands his off to Jubilee instead of Caroline, because a real massage is better than imaginary s'mores. Meanwhile, Kenny dishes his rose to Annaliese, giving Jacqueline the worst birthday ever. Pour one out for her, Caroline, Nysha (remember her?) and poor Bibiana, who spent so much time caring about other people's relationships that she forget to get in one herself. Hey, at least you can finally shower again.

Plus, it looks like Arie is going to the beach tomorrow night, so good time to bail, Bibi.


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