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"Bachelor in Paradise" recap: The Mayor of Paradise checks in

Just another week of drama on the "Bachelor in Paradise," so let's dive into the biggest story of the night: WHO ON THIS BEACH HAS SIX TOES ON ONE FOOT?!

Saved for the very end of the episode – because this show would always rather spend 30 minutes on Blake being a goober than following Detective Demi as she hunts a six-toed mystery person on Playa del Players – Demi discovers via a sandy footprint that SOMEBODY on this show has six toes on one foot. Thus begins a investigation certain to make Quentin Tarantino jealous, as Demi pokes around at everyone's feet on the beach to discover the mysterious extra-toed extra. Her case's conclusion? It's Blake – because he hides his feet, for one, and also because he ruins everything, so clearly it must be him. Or maybe nobody has six toes on one foot and the footprint just smeared into something resembling six toes. Nah, it's definitely Blake. DAMN YOU, BLAKE AND YOUR FREAKY FEET!

So anything else important happen on Monday night's episode? Oh, that's right – we finally got a rose ceremony! It only took three episodes and more than four hours, but we finally got some forward momentum on this show. Not John Krasinski gives his rose to Demi, who handles the dramatic moment as thoughtfully as one would expect – aka she says "Yeah, b*tch!" after asked if she will take this rose. Clay gives his rose to Nicole, Wills passes his onto Katie and Resting Serial Killer Face goes to Sydney. John Paul Jones goes with Onyeka instead of Hot Sauce Jane who fed him evil tacos that made him throw up every meal he's ever had into the ocean. What a twist! Cam chooses Caelynn, and Dylan offers his rose to Hannah – BUT WILL SHE TAKE IT considering Blake also wants to give his carnation to her? Yes. Obviously she does. SUCKS TO SUCK, SIX-TOED WOMANIZER BLAKE!

With Hannah gone, Blake gives his rose to Tayshia, who is not pleased that she's a backup selection. But given the choice between taking his rose and staying on a free vacation or passing on the rose and having to go home, she obviously chooses the former. That leaves Gerard Butler to hand out his carnation, and Annaliese is convinced she's getting the rose. The blissful music swells. The camera slowly focuses in on her face. And ... he gives it to Kristina. I wish I loved anything as much as this show loves dunking on Annaliese. Eh, that's what you get when you spend more time trying to ruin Big Muscle Teddy Bear Clay's time on "Paradise" and starting drama instead of focusing on your own love life. So she's gone, along with Hot Sauce Jane – who probably should just be happy she was invited in the first place – and Bibiana, who still doesn't get how this show works. But hey, keep getting these free vacations, girl. I respect the grift.

Thus begins a new week on "Bachelor in Paradise" – and that means new arrivals, starting with a man who smells of citrus, tangerine and bad life choices: Jordan, from Becca's season. Last we checked on Jordan, he got engaged to Jenna, which lasted exactly 17 minutes because news got out that she was just on the show for the publicity. ON "THE BACHELOR"!? WHAAAT!? A gobsmacking twist. Still, anytime you can get a flashback to Jordan in a man romper tossing a giant teddy bear into the ocean is a good time. Plus, Jordan – like Demi – gets that this show is best when it's dumb, fun and ridiculous, so he just keeps talking and saying goofy things and going on WILD metaphor journeys involving gardens and pudding. So I am very happy about this development.

Jordan shows up with complements for every man's hair – and, most important, a date card. Without hesitating for a second, however, he goes for Hannah, and the two models go off to talk about how impressive they find one another's eyes. IS THIS HOW THE OTHER HALF LIVES?! After their bizarre eye talk, however, Jordan gets the lowdown on the Blake drama – how he slept with Kristina, and also slept with Caelynn, and maybe is interested in Tayshia, but is definitely wanting to be with Hannah. And Jordan, much like the audience, is very confused.

Undeterred, Jordan still asks out Hannah, but she turns him down because she's already got two guys – Blake and Dylan – competing for her heart, and even she's like ENOUGH. So Jordan gives Blake a pep talk about how he needs to figure his drama out and stop messing around with every woman, man and cameraperson on the beach, then heads off to very romantically ask Nicole out on his date. Ever the poet, he basically says, "I got turned down and I'm having a bad day; would you like to hang out?" SWOON, LADIES; AMIRITE?! But Nicole seems weirdly starstruck by Jordan, behaving more like a fangirl – hey, you're both on the same silly show; calm down – so she says yes and the two head off to go zip-lining while Clay looks sad on a beach. But it's OK, because when Nicole gets back, she quickly pops back by Clay's side and tells him their date was better. DAWWW! Gonna take more than that to toss this giant teddy bear into the ocean, Jordan!

Meanwhile on the beach, the ladies are talking smack about Blake, because he deserves it. And speaking of things he deserves, while playing football on the beach, Blake manages to hit a rock and lose a chunk of toe, sending him off to the medic for bandages and sending the ladies at the bar cackling for days. But seriously, Blake, when even the beach itself starts rebelling against you, maybe it's time to leave. Elsewhere, Cam tries reading some poetry to Caelynn, and it's somehow even more painful than Blake bludgeoning his toe with a rock. Someone save this woman.

OH YAY, HERE'S MIKE FROM HANNAH'S SEASON! Men, women, Chris Harrison: Literally everyone's happy to see Mike – except me because I want him to find love on "The Bachelor," not on its trashy beachside spinoff. Oh, and also Cam, because according to him, Mike tarnished his character during "The Bachelorette." No, Cam, you did that yourself. Anyways, Mike chooses Caelynn for his date card, and she obviously accepts, pitching Cam quickly into the bin and leaving him on the beach, sad and teary-eyed. It's almost as though the show wants me to feel bad for him. NICE TRY! Guy's got a better chance of getting signed to a rap label than me sympathizing with him.

That being said, Caelynn and Mike is not a pairing I want. Again, Mike should be "The Bachelor." He's one of the most charming people from the past season, and if it's between him and Peter for the lead role, I take Mike everyday. (Peter's nice; he's also boring and nowhere near interesting enough to be the star of a show.) Plus, I am not exactly Team Caelynn right now. Regardless of your feelings on the ethics of releasing private text messages, Caelynn did not come away looking good from the situation. Publishing the texts on Instagram like Blake did certainly is a crappy thing ... but when you lie and slander somebody on national television, you kind of lose some right to complain. It's a mess – and I need Mike FAR AWAY FROM IT. Unfortunately the date seems to go fine, as the two giggle over dinner before a surprise mariachi band pops out behind every wall.

Back on the beach, Cam is still whining about how much no one wants to be with him despite how much he NEEDS to be a husband. A thought: Maybe stop talking about marriage and kids within eight seconds of talking with a woman? And in case he doesn't feel humiliated enough, Mother Nature hits him with a wave, leaving him tear-soaked and ocean-soaked. SORRY "BACHELOR IN PARADISE"; STILL NO SYMPATHY.

In non-Cam news – otherwise known as the best news – Wills wants to make a move on Katie, so he takes her aside and gives her a long, sweet spiel about how beautiful he finds her inside and out. And Katie seems ... upset? Happy? I don't know; I think her brain just exploded into crying for some reason. She tries saying sentences, but her brain has jumped out of her skull, drank all of the liquor at the bar and is now just barfing out sound effects and random words like Hot Sauce Jane fed it tacos. Wills would probably feel bad about getting turned down if he had any idea what the hell was happening. I took this scene to a professional translator, and according to him, Katie's upset because she's saying no to Wills but it hurts her to turn down somebody so sweet and somebody so fully invested in her when she's not. I think? All of her sobs are confusing Dylan, too – and IS HE NOT ALREADY DEALING WITH ENOUGH, KATIE!? Anyways, Gerard Butler notices "sadness in Katie's eyes" so he goes over to make her feel better. Wow, Gerard – so thoughtful to notice that a sobbing person is sad. Very observant.

As for poor Dylan, Blake's still convinced that Hannah loves him, so he's going to make his move. He takes Hannah aside and tells her VERY condescendingly that he thinks she's making excuses to not be with him. Somehow this approach works as the two go dancing in the splashing waves. First of all, Hannah: I would not trust a guy who had two one-night-stands with two separate women on the same weekend. And I would ESPECIALLY not trust him as a dance partner considering he just crippled himself on a rock playing catch. She's lucky he didn't trip her over a sea turtle and accidentally drown her in the surf. But second, and most pressing of all: She's doing this all RIGHT IN FRONT OF DYLAN, who has done nothing but been understanding about every friggin' guy on this beach making moves on her, and her welcoming those moves with open arms, while he's made it clear he's fully committed.

While Dylan's confused by her (though, dude, take the hint; she's clearly not that interested if she's constantly looking elsewhere), he's full pissed at Blake. Cam says he'd pop Blake in the face – LOL SURE DUDE – but Dylan's not that kind of person, so he just confronts the two and asks to take Hannah aside for a few minutes to chat. And Blake turns into this really condescending, self-righteous douche canoe about the situation, complaining that HE would NEVER do this to HIM and speaking for Hannah – as if she wasn't right there, possessing a mouth and brain with English-speaking capabilities. Dylan's annoyed that Blake's gone after every woman on this show – and now is going after somebody he's been with thus far on the show, to which Blake responds that he only had eyes for pursuing Hannah. Well ... after everyone else Blake was pursuing got crazily mad at him for being a gross player. But whatever. Minor detail. ANOTHER WINNING WEEK FOR BLAKE! I used to like you, man.

In the end, Hannah decides to stay with Blake, and the two chat intimately, with Blake saying that no one else in the cast is judging her. Meanwhile, across the beach, EVERYONE IN THE CAST IS JUDGING HER. The entire "Paradise" bar is filled with cast members, watching all this drama unfold and feeling miserable for Dylan, who's clearly getting strung along by Hannah until she gets a better offer ... which, so far, has happened about every hour or so. Somebody gives poor Dylan a hug – or maybe a new arrival for him to fall for.

But that's for Tuesday night. In the meantime, screw you Blake ... and the eleven toes you rode in on!

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