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"Bachelor in Paradise" recap: Fight night on the beach

Ring the bell and bring out Michael Buffer to prepare people for rumbling: It was fight night on "Bachelor in Paradise" Monday night.

And in this corner, wearing the latest in fashions and probably some gold underwear underneath it all, one of the more iconic characters this show has seen over the past few seasons ... JORDAN! And in the other corner, wearing white pants and athletic shoes, a guy who was supposedly on Becca's season but who's really to know ... CHRISTIAN! Let's have a good, clean, fair fight ... oh, well, never mind to that; we've already had one person suplex the other down some stairs.

And all of this over a piñata.

Indeed, for those who missed the pre-fight excitement, cocky new arrival Christian and big huggable teddy bear Clay were dueling for Nicole's affections – and the former's latest move was busting out a piñata. Clay tried to pull Nicole away, standing up for himself while also showing Nicole that he was a big tough manly man who gets in the face of his rivals, but he ended up just complimenting Christian the entire time and then walking away politely. And that just wasn't going to stand, so Jordan – likely aware that he was doomed at the evening's rose ceremony – decided to go out with a splash and went over to defend Clay's heart by snatching Christian's piñata and then ... I don't know, throwing it into the ocean? Giving it to Wells? Using it to pay the mariachi band that's showing up every episode now?

I guess we'll never know because Jordan and Christian got into their tussle, the former launched the latter off the beach platform, and dozens of producers and security members ran out onto the beach to stop the fisticuffs, making the whole thing look like a riot broke out on the beach. After Christian attempted a few more runs at Jordan – which, by the way, hard to look like a raging badass when you're wearing comfortable beach-ready white trousers – the two were eventually separated, and Harrison was summoned to kick them both off the show. Because THIS IS A NO-VIOLENCE TELEVISION PROGRAM. But he comes too late; the damage is already done. One of the big clay pots ... is dead. Rest in peace, smashed clay pot: 2019-2019.

Not everything is destroyed, though, as after things settle back down, and Christian and Jordan have been ejected for unsportsmanlike conduct, Clay and Nicole cuddle back together – Clay's romantic rival defeated and Nicole realizing that maybe tough dudes who'll fight for their girls are actually terrifying maniacs. This fight was a 1,000,000 percent win.

Anyways, as for the rest of the punch-free cocktail party, Onyeka is sad because she wants to be wooed but the only guy coming over to chat is Cam. And that's enough to defeat anyone's self-esteem, so she's contemplating just chucking her rose into the ocean – and even the ocean would be like, "Hey, actually, I'm pursuing Hannah, so I'm gonna have to decline." And SPEAKING OF HANNAH, I hope you like the love triangle between her, Blake and Dylan, because here's ten more minutes of that! Even the rest of the cast seems exhausted by their drama. Blake's a player. Dylan's a puppy. Hannah's a puppeteer. And I'm using alliteration to hide my boredom.

Dylan makes his big move, which involves setting up a picnic with crackers, cheese and – Hannah's favorite – gummy worms. HOW IS THIS MAN NOT YOUR NUMBER ONE CHOICE!? Hannah points out that the best gummy worms are the red and blue ones. AT LEAST SHE KNOWS HOW TO PICK THE RIGHT CANDY. Meanwhile, Blake – who sounds more and more like an annoying freshman dorm RA every single episode – busts out his usual dance moves, but this time with a surprise mariachi band providing the music. I hope that mariachi band is getting PAID for this show, because they are just popping out of everywhere on "Paradise." Mike and Caelynn's date? MARIACHI BAND. Blake's big move? MARIACHI BAND. What was in that busted clay pot during Christian and Jordan's fight? MARIACHI BAND. The two most plentiful resources on the "Bachelor in Paradise" beach: mariachi music and tears – the latter of which Dylan is now providing because he's tired of Hannah just making out with Blake right in front of him.

Well, hopefully this all finally gets sorted at the rose ceremony – but first, Onyeka decides to bail, because the idea of giving her rose to Cam is just too depressing to bear. As for the roses actually getting handed out, Dani gives her carnation to Not John Krasinski, Katie's rose goes to Gerard Butler, Nicole hands hers off to Clay, Tayshia tosses her rose off to JPJ and Caelynn offers her prize to Dirty Dean. All to be expected.

Now we get to the exciting ones. Sydney – who, fun fact, has been on the beach this entire time – is up next, and Resting Serial Killer Face Kevin is VERY confident that he's getting her rose. So of course it goes to Mike instead. Which brings us to Hannah. Will she give her rose to Dylan? Or will she give it to Blake? Maybe she'll nix them both and hand her rose off to those gummi worms from before? None, she goes with the good guy, Dylan. YAAAY! USA! USA! USA! Our not-that-long national Blake nightmare is over! Get this dude off the beach before he sleeps with three more people and busts open his other foot.

Or ... so I thought. With the last rose of the ceremony, Kristina hands hers over too Blake. Girl, you may pretend to be all innocent, but you are exclusively here for the drama. She tells Blake that she believes that he's a good person who deserve to find love on the beach, but then tells the camera that this is her grand revenge plot, torturing him by forcing him to watch Hannah and Dylan be cute together. THAT IS A BAD REVENGE PLOT. All you've done is make it easier for Blake to ruin everything for them – or for some other couple on the beach. Plus, how do you get any satisfaction from this? Wouldn't he be just as sad and lonely back home, rather than on a paid vacation? This lady would be the worst Bond villain. Plus, I know giving your rose away to Cam or Resting Serial Killer Face Kevin was a spine-chilling prospect – but Wills was there! Kristina, you done ruined everything.

But hey, at least Cam is gone – and on the way busting out the classic "girls just don't like good guys" sad douchebag line that you should've grown out of by high school. Yeah, Cam, crazy that no girl wanted to be with the "nice guy" roaming the beach with a constant frown and asking every girl about babies within seven second of meeting. Clearly you being "nice" was the problem. I look forward to never seeing you again – and DEFINITELY never hearing you rap again.

Unfortunately for "Bachelor in Paradise," all the drama ended up front-loaded on Monday's episode. Once you've had two wannabe models chuck one another off a patio, everything else is a comparative bore. But there are some exciting new developments! For instance ... Dylan's now wearing a bandana. OK, bad example.

Now that Hannah's officially committed to Dylan, Blake's doing his best Cam impression on the beach, just grumbling around the sand and getting called "a turd that won't flush" by Demi. GOD DEMI! Otherwise, JPJ says "Paradise" is really calm and there's a chill vibe everywhere and DAMMIT, JPJ, DON'T SAY THE CURSED WORDS!

Indeed, he busts out the horrid incantation and summons a new cast member: Caitlin? From Colton's season? Maybe? She's certainly a person who was once in the radius of this show! They don't even give her an introduction – not even a joking one about how she was kicked off right away – so who knows who this lady is. So it shouldn't surprise you that her arrival doesn't shake things up pretty much at all, as everyone's pretty much already paired off ... save for one, sad, mopey goober who dances like Gumby, may have six toes and ruins country music festivals.

That's right; it's Blake o'clock.

She gives him her date card, and the two head off to learn about tantric yoga. Well, she goes off to learn about tantric yoga; Blake's there to complain more about how he's not dating Hannah. OH POOR BLAKE, HAVING TO DO SEXY YOGA WITH AN ATTRACTIVE PERSON WHO MIRACULOUSLY DOESN'T HATE HIS GUTS; LET ME GET MY SMALL VIOLIN. Amazingly after all of that – and after Blake explains to Caitlin why everyone on the beach things he's a turd – Caitlin is still interested, and the two arrive back on the beach still being cute.

But even that's not enough to stop him from frowning about Hannah, as Dylan gets the next date card and, of course, he chooses Hannah, sending Blake dreaming about how he could be taking her on this date and how she looked so pretty when she said yes to Dylan and RUN CAITLIN RUN BEFORE BLAKE MAKES YOU WEAR A HANNAH MASK!

Dylan and Hannah go on their date, and even though there's a SUPER vibe that he cares about their relationship a lot more than she does, the two have a cute night where he confesses that he's falling in love with her and she returns the sentiment, saying she's "all in." Well, we'll see how long that lasts – but for now, it's cute. Well, it WAS cute, until the show shipped in 50 Aztec warrior cosplayers to loudly dance and trample into their pleasant, quiet dinner. Because when I'm having a peaceful, romantic dinner with my girlfriend, I always want an army of Olmec's temple guards to stampede over our precious moment. ROMANCE!

That leaves about 45 minutes for "Bachelor in Paradise" to fill – and unfortunately, they didn't find much interesting to fill it with. JPJ and Tayshia had a cute sit-down where he explains that he's much deeper than he (and, more particularly, his voice) make him seem. The two then jump into a pool, and he starts horking up water. This is the peak of the drama in the second half of the episode.

Oh, and Hannah Brown shows up, because the show realized that it was really boring, so it realized it was time to manufacture some drama and start messing with some heads! Mike's so surprised he bonks his head against a decorative wicker basket – but she's not here to screw with him. She's here to mess with Demi, because Demi's been conflicted about coming on the show and getting close with Not John Krasinski while dating someone fairly seriously back in Los Angeles. And Hannah's here to pour some gasoline on that emotional fire. Oh, and to toss some delightful shade at Luke, so it's not all a loss.

However, Serious Demi is nowhere near as fun as Sassy Demi, and this mild simmer of a drama isn't worth the long section of the show it receives. Eventually, Demi tells Not John Krasinski that her situation back home is a lot more intense than she let on – and he's still respectful and relaxed about it. He might be a really good dude ... but he makes for bad and kind of boring television. Demi walks off to find Harrison – possibly to leave, but it's a damp squib of a cliffhanger because we all know there's no way this show will risk losing Jordan AND Demi on "Paradise."

And lo, unfortunately, an episode that began with a suplex ends with a shrug.


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