"Bachelor in Paradise" recap: Dean returns with a furry, unwelcome friend
Unfortunately, we're no closer to finding out who on the beach has a six-toed foot, but there was plenty of other drama to fill the time on Tuesday night's episode of "Bachelor in Paradise" – including full-on fisticuffs by the end! And somehow Blake isn't the cause of it!
On the beach, Resting Serial Killer Face Kevin is lifting one of the show's decorative vases for exercise, Cam is still tragically wandering the beach as if he's got the sad Charlie Brown music soundtracking his life and the Dylan/Blake/Hannah love pyramid is still a thing. Dylan wants explanations because he's been in all on Hannah since day one, but she's been happy to stray elsewhere for just about anybody – currently Blake despite, you know, everything he's done on the beach thus far. Tayshia wants explanations because she got caught in all this drama for no reason, and she's not convinced Hannah is as innocent as she wants to believe. And Resting Serial Killer Face Kevin wants explanations because Blake's having sex with everyone despite being a lumpy Gumby man. BRO, DO YOU EVEN LIFT POTTERY?! Kevin is just mad because he's DEFINITELY going home at the next rose ceremony.
As for the actual people involved in this drama, Dylan and Hannah finally talk about their messy-ass situation. He needs clarity – and he just feels like there's something he's missing when it comes to Blake casting this spell over Hannah. How has a massive goober who's ruined everything since arriving on the show – including his own foot – captivated Hannah so much? Well, as it turns out, a week before the show, Blake flew to Birmingham to see Hannah and hang out – and make out. From country music festivals to Alabama vacations, Blake's been busy! So no wonder Hannah's been so intrigued by Blake; they already kindled a relationship before starting. Welp, time to move on Dylan; Hannah doesn't deserve your adorableness – and she hasn't honestly seemed that interested in it to begin with. She's been looking elsewhere ever since your arrival – and now it's time for you to do the same. YA DONE MESSED UP, HANNAH!
Elsewhere on the beach, I never thought I'd say this, but Demi has the most mature and solid relationship on the show. She and Not John Krasinski are happily hanging out together, smelling each other's armpits and trotting on the beach like they're kangaroos. Yeah ... actually don't know what those last two things are about, but in general, they seem happy. BUT MY HOW APPEARANCES CAN DECEIVE! Indeed, Demi is actually not content but conflicted, because she's actually dating a special lady back in Los Angeles and now she's kind of missing her. As much as this pains me to say, because Demi makes any show better and she was made to be on "Bachelor in Paradise" ... but maybe you shouldn't go on a dating show if you're already dating somebody back home? Seems like a good way to get emotionally confused and ruin your ABC-paid vacation.
Speaking of ruining one's day, Dean's arrived with an awful porn star plumber mustache. Dean's face used to be handsome and adorable, and now it looks like it's not allowed within 500 feet of playgrounds or grade schools. But maybe he grew the mustache to help distract from his current life choices, which include living in a van, sink showering in public bathrooms and getting a "Hey Arnold" tattoo. Even so, Caelynn is into Dirty Dean – but she also has her true love: drama. So when Kristina decides to talk about the Blake situation right next to her at the bar, Caelynn makes it an opportunity for tears and for proclaiming that "I'm sick of it!" If you took a shot every time Caelynn said that she's sick of something on this show, sooner rather than later, you'd be John Paul Jones-ing into the ocean like you'd just been served bad tacos. Still, even this mild drama can't dissuade Dirty Dean, who uses his date card for a rendezvous with Caelynn – which makes Mike sad. Don't worry, Mike; you've got bigger, better, "Bachelor"-y things to look forward to.
Meanwhile, Cam is still wandering the beach, sad and depressed. And still nobody cares.
As for Caelynn and Dean, their date is ... kind of delightful! And I'm not just saying this because I need Caelynn to leave Mike alone so he can go off and be "The Bachelor." The two actually have cute, flirty conversation about their actual lives – not the usual one-on-one date chats on this show, which usually consists of bland, supposedly romantic banter like "I like you," "You make me feel happy" and "I like how you use words to speak." She talks about how she's surprised he came back considering what a dumpster fire his last "Paradise" visit was, and he talks about how he messed up last time on the show, as well as how he has no real ambitions or goals right now. Caelynn seems to find that charming right now – but give her a night or two of van sleeps and sink showers in the local Panera bathroom, and she'll be donezo. In the meantime, though, they're cute. MIKE, YOU'VE BEEN SAVED!
Back on the beach, Demi and Jordan are watching people walk past and auditioning as the new hosts, or maybe the DVD commentators, of "The Bachelor." AND THEY'RE GREAT! This is a dream team. Jordan's harangues Clay about having no swagger for a big muscly football man, Demi giggles about Cam being the frowniest frownboi and they both have a good chuckle about Gerard Butler being old. In Jordan's case, however, a good chuckle is a NIGHTMARE LAUGH that sounds more like a high-pitched bird call. Meanwhile, Clay is happy with Nicole, but he knows she's still got her eyes open for other possible beaus. Hopefully nobody new and handsome shows up to catch her eye – DAMMIT CLAY, DON'T YOU KNOW NOT TO SAY THE MAGIC WORDS!?
Indeed, right on cue, Christian from Becca's season arrives. Who is Christian? Well, uhhhhh, he was ... on Becca's season, I guess? He was eliminated the first night because, according to the rest of the dudes, he had a mustache (uh oh, Dean) and hung out by the catering table all evening long. Then he tried to have an "OH SNAP" moment during the Men Tell All, but instead Jordan just made fun of his high-water pants. And some things don't change, because Jordan's first thought on Christian's arrival is YOU'RE WEARING ATHLETIC SHOES, YOU COWARD!?
But Christian is not interested in Jordan; he's all in on Nicole because Clay used the dreaded "I sure hope no one messes up my happy situation" incantation. He asks her out on his date, she says yes, and the two go jet skiing and making out on a beach. Meanwhile, back on the beach, Clay is borrowing Cam's sad music.
When Nicole comes back, however, Clay takes her aside and the two talk about their connection – but Nicole wants him to be more assertive and stand up for himself, because that's the kind of man she likes. Apparently Christian got the memo, because he shows back up wanting Nicole back because ... he thinks their date is still going on? Listen, dude, I know you're new to this – and I know you're feeling yourself right now because you've finally racked up a whole minute of screen time on this show – but that's not how dates work. Clay explains as much, but Christian keeps persisting and making Nicole look VERY uncomfortable. Her dream of going on multiple "Bachelor" one-on-one dates has turned into a nightmare. THANKS CHRISTIAN! But even though Clay's the one who handles it all maturely and as an adult, Nicole gives him a talking to about how she wants him to be more aggressive. Sigh. If there's one thing this world doesn't need, it's more alpha male peacocking.
No time to unpack all of that, however, as we're off to the cocktail party. Could it be? Could we get two rose ceremonies in two days?! COULD THE PLOT BE PROGRESSING FORWARD AT A RESPECTABLE CLIP!? No, jokes; we've got to putz around at the cocktail party for 30 minutes instead.
Demi and Not John Krasinski finally have a heart-to-heart about her fluid sexuality and about her girlfriend back in L.A. And his reaction is simply, "Oh," followed by calming reassurances and maturity. THIS IS NOT WHAT HARRISON WANTED! You can feel Harrison behind the camera, making silent but frustrated "BIGGER!" stage directions. Somehow even more subdued than Not John Krasinski is JPJ, who's off sleeping under some giant pillows. I feel very represented on screen. Meanwhile, Caelynn asks Dirty Dean a very romantic question: "Are you missing your van?" She also learns more about the shower situation with his nomad life – and she looks UNIMPRESSED. These two aren't lasting an hour outside this beach.
Elsewhere, Mike and Sydney eat an ice cream sundae, Katie and Gerard Butler flirt a bit to the excitement and intrigue of no one, and JPJ finally awakens from his giant pillow slumber in order to read a Shakespearean sonnet from "Romeo and Juliet" for Tayshia. Because as we all know, that story ends so well for the happy couple. But their romance ends much happier, as even though JPJ only gets through about a third of the poem, Tayshia loves it. Next time do "Lear."
Speaking of drama, the fight for Nicole escalates as Christian busts out a piñata and chocolate-covered strawberries. Clay thinks this might be a golden opportunity for him to prove his assertiveness to Nicole, so he runs his idea past Jordan – never a good idea – and decides to make his move. Unfortunately, his attempt to stand up for himself and Nicole just turns into complimenting Christian for his excellent decorating sensibilities and taste in fashion. He doesn't even get to steal Nicole away for a minute, instead walking away – but making sure Christian knows that he's walking away because he wants to walk away, not because Christian's making him. This poor human teddy bear.
Well, Jordan doesn't know such things as decency and restraint, so in defense of Clay – and because he probably knows that he's going home at the rose ceremony since none of his dating prospects really worked out – Jordan sprints over to Christian and Nicole's love couch and tries to steal their piñata for himself. And then maybe throw it into the ocean like the stuffed animal from last "Paradise." Or just kick it down the beach like it's the world's worst soccer ball. The options are endless. Unfortunately, we'll never know his piñata plans, though, as Christian stops him and the two get into a FIST FIGHT! OK, it's more of a MILDLY PUSHY SCUFFLE – but exciting!
And now we have to wait a week to find out the results of this donnybrook. DAMN YOU, HARRISON! I must know if the piñata survives. (Oh, and which cast members too, I guess. But mainly the piñata.)
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