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Because who wouldn't trust a bunch of horny, heavy-drinking reality stars to watch their kid?

"Bachelor in Paradise" recap: A bunch of babies hit the beach

"Bachelor in Paradise" was actually a decent amount of fun tonight, filled with the kind of goofy shenanigans that I come here for. It's just a shame it had to come on the second night of the week, hours four and five of "The Bachelor" in just the past 24.

I'll be honest: This happens every week. After one night, everything just becomes an anonymous blur to me. I try to focus my senses on the second show, but my brain hears the same voices and dramas as the night before and checks out. It all becomes televised elevator music to my brain – and have you ever tried recapping elevator music? Not easy. The human mind is just not meant to retain this much "Bachelor" in one 24-hour period of time.

Thankfully, there was some fun, interesting notes in Tuesday's episode to help out. For instance, did you know Kevin has a chicken salad recipe – AND HE MAKES HIS OWN DRESSINGS!? Now I got Salt-N-Pepa's "Whatta Man" stuck in my head. Meanwhile, Jenna lets Jordan know that she has a whole drawer of "massaging items" back home – to which Jordan makes whatever cartoon face you prefer. The aroooooooga eye-pop, the tongue hanging out the mouth – no matter which one you go with, that's an accurate depiction of Jordan's happy face at that moment. He suddenly got very eager to go home.

But we've still got three more episodes to go – and at least one more Harrison visit to endure. I know the pay is probably great on this show, Harrison, but is it worth people loudly groaning whenever you walk into the room? I imagine that's a self-esteem killer. This time, however, he swears he's here to help, as he summons Carly and Evan as well as Jade and Tanner, some of the few surviving couples of this show. (Because, again, Harrison wants to assure the audience that THIS SHOW WORKS, DAMMIT!) They also arrive with a date card, but first they have to interview them and judge who is most worthy.

Jordan and Jenna are down for a proposal at the end of the show – and not just because of Jenna's recent reveal. Kevin and Astrid are too – and even have a 12-month plan to survive after the show ends. And then there's Kamil and Annaliese. She's so onboard while Kamil is like SLOW THIS RIDE DOWN PLEASE, I'M VERY SCARED. As Evan notes, Annaliese tries to play along nicely, but her eyes are dying the entire time. Kiwi Jordan and Shushanna are also thinking they're moving a little too fast, while Jade and Tanner are just really weirded out by Eric's "follow the cheese" metaphor – just like any good American. And then there's Joe and Kendall, who are just so cute and genuine and awkward but in the most charming and natural way – so, of course, they win.

And what's their exciting date!? Well, it's not their date: It's actually Jade and Tanner and Carly and Evan's date, while Joe and Kendall have to babysit their newborns. Well ... that sucks – for them. For me, this is delightful television – even if putting howling babies on television after yesterday's three-hour sob-a-thon is either some A-grade trolling of the cast or just plain cruel and unusual torture of the audience. Anyways, TO THE BABY PALAPA!

First things first, Joe and Kendall have to put together the baby toys and IKEA furniture, and unfortunately neither of them are experts in assembling a hoffdaal or a pudaan. They are, however, geniuses in making dirty double entendres about finding holes and having nuts, so this is great. Then they bring in the babies – and one of them is just not about Joe. She must've been more of a Leo fan, because she will not stop howling, and it is haunting the entire beach – especially Jordan, who cannot wait to be a dad. Just as long as the kids are not named Tucker or Cooper. And once again Jordan proves to be the best and wisest character on the show. (My apologies to all my readers named Tucker and Cooper.)

Meanwhile the two married couples are enjoying a spa day. Quick question: WHY IN GOD'S NAME DID YOU DECIDE TO LEAVE YOUR KIDS WITH A BEACH FILLED WITH DRUNK HORNY PEOPLE!? That is the worst parenting. Also, people need to stop coming back to "The Bachelor" after they get married and have a life outside the show. You're like the guy who keeps hanging around his college and dropping by the parties five years after he graduated. Like, move on. Don't you have better things to do now – like, say, raise a baby and protect them from crazed beach dwellers? Thankfully no babies were harmed in the making of this episode (that we know of).

Unfortunately, the same cannot be said of Eric and Cassandra. Last we checked on them, Cassandra turned on the charm right before the rose ceremony in order to stay alive on the show – but apparently she actually cares about seeing if this could still work too. However, she sees the other couples' connections and doesn't think they're at that point. Eric's not jazzed about hearing that, and things get awkward. Man, if only you were in a stable relationship that you hadn't ruined in order to date someone else! Followed that cheese right off a cliff, my man!

Anyways, Eric's bummed out about how little he's connecting with Cassandra – and how bad he messed up with Angela – so he decides to leave. His final words: Follow the cheese. NOT SAGE ADVICE; NO ONE TAKE THIS ADVICE.

In happier news, a bonus date card arrives – and thankfully it has nothing to do with babies. In fact, it goes to the newly de-baby-banged Chris R. He, of course, takes Krystal because he has special plans: He wants to make the next step and say that he's falling in love. So the two have a lovely dinner, have a meaningful heart-to-heart and, just as he's about to bust out the L-word ... a raccoon starts meandering around the set, snacking and making classic rabies raccoon sounds. KEEP THE RACCOON ON THE SHOW. Hell, give him a date card. Eventually, however, Chris is able to focus and drop the love bomb on Krystal, who returns the favor – and the two dance the night away to some college talent show guitar duo. And also the raccoon.

The next day, Chris R. is so happy about how things went that he does a synchronized swimming routine with John. This episode might be great.

Or at least the first hour was great. Unfortunately the second hour turned into the witching hour – quite literally, as the cast starts accusing Shushanna, who's desperately hung up on Kamil, of being a witch. But seriously. She's just so locked in on him that she can't even focus on Kiwi Jordan, who's interested in her and tells her so – WITH A DATE CARD IN HAND – but she keeps staring off into the distance. He asks what she wants from him, and you can see her brain wanting to say, "Wear a Kamil mask." So instead he takes out Cassandra, and those two have fun ... carrying each across the beach? I don't know, the producers ran out of date ideas.

No matter the case, Shushanna's behavior is odd – and definitely a bummer to watch, because she's not a particularly fun or clever head case, but rather just a sad wet blanket who can't get over a guy – but none of it makes her a witch. Obviously. But the show really enjoys this joke and keeps hammering away at the gag – to the point that it becomes the new Scallop Fingers and just kind of mean-spirited after a while. Like, the whole show is just mocking her and doing its best to make her look like a mad person – not that she's doing much to help her cause. But still, it plays more hurtful than hilarious.

Luckily for her, a new guy shows up to hopefully get her mind off Kamil: DIGGY! Wait, WE COULD'VE HAD DIGGY ON THIS SHOW THE WHOLE TIME!? What the hell, "Bachelor in Paradise." He's fun and charming and fashionable and should definitely have been chosen for "The Bachelor" over Colton – and you give him barely an episode on this season? Ridiculous. I had to watch Colton cry 17 times these past three weeks when Diggy could've been on here, being all charming as hell. Lucky girl, Shu.

Or not that lucky, I guess, as she's now hung up on how she ruined things with Kiwi Jordan – and turns Diggy down. HOW DARE YOU! So instead, Diggy takes out Olivia, and the two have a remarkably charming and nice dinner and a dance while one guy plays the trumpet WAY TOO LOUD. Get a muffler for that thing – or fix your sound levels, "Bachelor in Paradise." But the important point: Olivia and Diggy are a better match anyways.

As for Shushanna, well, now she's burning Kamil's photo in a bonfire, so that's normal. Honestly, I'm amazed that the potential witch drama on "Bachelor in Paradise" ended up being the most boring part of the show – mainly just watching a girl mope around a beach while people, and the entire show, make fun of her. But, as is always the case, it was worth it for a Jordan quote: "I guess Shu just gets upset about everything now."

I take it all back, "Bachelor in Paradise." Tonight's episode was just the dumb, silly fun I come here for. Just maybe not five hours in one week ever again, please?


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