Another empty victory for DJ Paris Hilton.

Watching Paris Hilton cook is like watching a dumpster fire

So, after a relatively quiet year (during which she spent far too much time working on the release of the unfortunate earworm "B.F.A."), it seems that Paris Hilton is trying her hand at something new: cooking.

Her new YouTube show "Cooking With Paris" debuted earlier this week, gleaning well over a million views and over 10,000 comments. So – out of what was nothing more than morbid curiosity – I gave it a peek. And, well … it's 16 minutes of my life that I'll never get back.

Sliving over a pan of lasagna

I should've known when the video began with the exceedingly breathy declaration: "People who do know … know I'm an amazing cook." that I was in for a treat.

Wearing her fingerless "chefs gloves," an accessory she says are usually reserved for "sliving" (living and slaying, of course!), she drags the audience through a step-by-step process for making lasagna that includes:

  • instructions for avoiding burning your beautiful long blonde hair while lighting a gas stove;
  • wearing sunglasses to prevent ruining your mascara while cutting onions;
  • and using her "paper towel trick" to rectify oversalting her ground beef (a dramatic action which results in not one, but two exclamations of "Oh, noooo…").

Throughout the video, she complains about the work that goes into making a pan of her "famous lasagna."... from having to actually cook the lasagna noodles to the need to shred her own cheese, a task (among many) that she deems "brutal."

Priceless cooking advice

Along the way, Hilton imparts a plethora of precious, if misinformed, advice including her take on less-than-perfect cooked lasagna noodles: "If they rip," she declares, "it ruins the whole thing, so just don't use those ones."

But you can't really blame her. After all, cooking is a lot of work.

"Lasagna's like very hard to make – well, actually I don't think it is, but people think it is, but it's actually really fun and really easy … it's a lot of steps compared to making toast or something," she says as she assembles her creation in a disposable aluminum pan.

And then, just as you thought it couldn't get any better, she places her masterpiece in the oven, using her little pair of oven "mittens" ... you know, to avoid burning herself on the cold pan of lasagna.

Despite the fact that she "simmers" her ground beef, skips chopping onions and garlic (because it's, presumably, too much brutal work), and quite nearly spritzes the lasagna ingredients with her Paris Hilton-brand Unicorn Mist Rejuvenating Rosewater Spray, she does create a pan of lasagna.

How good that pan of "famous lasagna" is is definitely questionable. But it could well be her biggest accomplishment since wow-ing the audience at Summerfest with her flawless EDM performance in 2015.

Oh – and just in case one episode wasn't enough – Hilton indicates that the second installment of "Cooking With Paris" drops next Monday. Bon appetit.


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