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Finally, a day to honor America's eighth favorite office product. (PHOTO: WikiCommons/Rob Faulkner)

The weirdest national days in the month of May

Ever feel like there's a random national celebration for every single day of the year, hashtagging its way across Twitter and giving publications excuses to list things? (*tips cap*) Well, that's because, according to the National Day Calendar website, there is often a plethora of random celebrations packed into just one 24-hour period.

Some of them make sense. National Brisket Day on May 28? Serve me up a slab of that! National Teacher Appreciation Day on May 7? A noble cause if there ever was one. National Star Wars Day on May 4? Glad to see that under-appreciated series finally get some attention. But some of them are just bonkers, either obviously contrived creations or merely evidence that the shady Illuminati society behind all these national days might have too much time on its hands.

Here are the 10 weirdest days you can technically celebrate in the month of May.

1. National Lumpy Rug Day

When: May 3

Nobody appreciates lumpy rugs. Even the words "lumpy rug" sound wrong and awful and make your jaw want to droop off your face. But apparently this special day wants you to look at your crappy, raggedy rug and remember all the good times you had spilling red wine on it and wiping your shoes all over it. And then throw that thing right on a trash heap because it's spring cleaning season.

Anyways, today's also National Chocolate Custard Day. Just hurl your ugly rug in the dump and celebrate that instead.

2. National Two Different Colored Shoes Day

When: May 3

I can picture exactly how this day came together.

A member of the Secret National Day Illuminati Society sleeps through his alarm and wakes up late for their monthly meeting. He haphazardly throws his ceremonial robes on, runs off to the National Day Illuminati HQ at [REDACTED] and arrives – only for all his colleagues to point out that he accidentally put on two different shoes in the rush. "Ah, uh, but no, this is, um, actually ... my new day idea," he stammers off the top of his head – and it somehow works.

Throw in some stuff about how this faux pas actually displays one's uniqueness and represents diversity and – boom! – you've got yourself an excuse to look like the imaginary friend character causing mischief and mayhem for the straight-laced protagonist of an '80s comedy.

OK, so it was actually created by Dr. Arlene Kaiser in order to promote individuality ... but I like my story more.

3. Join Hands Day

When: May 4

Between last month's National Look Alike Day and now Join Hands Day – in addition to National Underground America Day on May 14 – the viral marketing for Jordan Peele's "Us" has gone too far. In actuality, Join Hands Day is dedicated to uniting people from generations young and old in volunteer work – a noble cause and certainly one I appreciate more than anything involving mute people in red jumpsuits with a taste for raw rabbit.

4. National Have a Coke Day

When: May 8

Sure – upstairs coke or downstairs coke? Or perhaps one of those cocaine shrimps they found in the United Kingdom? Oh, you meant the soft drink. Huh. Well, coke shrimp sounds more fun. (The National Day Calendar database says it can't find the origin or creator of National Have a Coke Day. Hmmmm, I wonder who it could possibly be?)

5. National Lost Sock Memorial Day

When: May 9

Who actually shot JFK? Are we alone in the universe? How does everything fall in that crack between the driver's seat and the center console? These are the great mysteries – but perhaps the greatest mystery of all is: Where the hell do all my socks go?

I may have found a solution to this problem: a dog.

My new puppy Charlie loves socks. He can hear a sock delicately drop on the floor from a room away. He can probably hear socks hit the ground from around the entire state and globe; he's like the Professor X of socks. If I'm ever looking for a missing sock, my puppy can sniff it out and bring it to me – after slightly gnawing on it for a little bit first, of course, and after I chase him around the apartment for a few minutes.

For those of you reading who don't have a Charlie, however – and by my count, that should be approximately (*types numbers into calculator*) all of you – there's National Lost Sock Memorial Day, a day to remember those socks we've lost all too soon and to play Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" at full blast in their honor.

6. National Eat What You Want Day

When: May 11

Listen, Secret National Day Illuminati Society, you're talking to somebody who makes a regular lunch out of Cheez-Its and Tahitian Treat, maybe washed down with a bag of T.G.I. Friday's cheddar and bacon potato skin chips. I don't call this a holiday; I call it Thursday. Plus, even if I wanted to truly celebrate National Eat What You Want Day, I think my pulmonary value would have something to say about me noshing on KFC Double Down French toast with a side of fatback-wrapped Twizzlers. Don't knock it until you've tried it!*

*Don't try it.

7. National Dance Like a Chicken Day

When: May 14

As the famous quote says, sing like nobody's listening, love like you'll never be hurt and dance like you've never seen a chicken.

8. National May Ray Day

When: May 19

National May Ray Day might sound silly, but it's actually based around a very important idea: that if you're name is Ray or Rae, people on this day should call you ... by your name. Finally a day to tackle the great pressing issue of our times. I imagine the National Association of Rays (NAR), tired of people tripping over and avoiding their very complicated one-syllable moniker, sent a strongly worded letter to the National Day Illuminati in order to create this special day. They've got quite a lobby, NAR.

Anyways, National May Ray Day was actually created by the same guy behind the dad-joke-turned-holiday, You're Welcomegiving Day. Somebody keep him away from wordplay from now on, please.

9. National Be a Millionaire Day

When: May 20

Huh, being a millionaire? I hadn't thought of that before! I'm going to update my resume and apply to be a millionaire today!

The premise of National Be a Millionaire Day focuses on educating people on saving for the future and putting yourself in solid financial standing, a commendable concept ... with an awful name that makes it sound like you should, I don't know, just decide to be wealthy and financially comfortable. I'm just saying I'd like this day a lot more if it involved throwing free money off the side of a building.

10. National Paperclip Day

When: May 29

Sure, this may simply seem like a day to honor the humble paperclip, a disposable office trinket perfect for making a fun chain, for bending and unfolding so you can press a tiny button on a device, and for occasionally even keeping papers together. But even more so, this is clearly the perfect day to pay tribute to that honorable public servant, that guiding voice for a generation ... Clippy the Microsoft office assistant.

All he wanted to do was help, and society shunned him, mocked him and eventually sent him to his death. He didn't even have a mouth for god's sake. He could not speak for himself and defend his honor, only able to tap at the screen, communicate in primitive speech bubbles, and maybe wiggle or smirk his eyebrows to get your attention. And yet we persecuted him into oblivion. He deserved better than this world.

Rest in peace, Clippit – but no, I still would not like help.

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