The weirdest national days in the month of December
Ever feel like there's a random national day for every single day of the year, hashtagging its way across Twitter and giving publications excuses to list things? (*tips cap*) Well, that's because, according to the National Day Calendar website, there is – even as many as a solid handful of random celebrations packed into one 24-hour period.
Some of them make sense. Bacon Day on Dec. 30? Sign me up. National Champagne Day on Dec. 31? Sure! After all, you'll be popping it that night anyways. Human Rights Day on Dec. 10? A noble cause if ever there was one. But some of them are just bonkers, either obviously fake creations or merely evidence that the shady Illuminati society behind all these national days might have too much time on its hands.
Here are the 10 weirdest days you can technically celebrate in the month of December.
1. Bathtub Party Day
When: Dec. 5
When I was a kid, I hated the concept of a shower. I'm CHOOSING to stand in rain? HARD PASS. But now that I'm an adult, it's the total reverse: Showers are great, while baths are bad and gross. Why would you choose to stew and sit where all your dirt and grime washes away? Plus a bath is nice for, like, five minutes until the water starts cooling off and you're stuck in lukewarm water unless you want to perform some whole big operation of draining some water and pumping more in. Exerting all that (barely) effort? IT'S JUST THE WORST! Plus, if you fall asleep in a bath, you can drown. Can't do that during a shower!
In short, screw baths. We should not be throwing them parties; we should be banning them. The only good thing to come from a bath was Archimedes yelling "Eureka!" – and even then, he probably originally wanted to take a shower.
2. National Microwave Oven Day
When: Dec. 6
In my house, everyday is National Microwave Oven Day. My life would be much better if my kitchen was exclusively a microwave – no oven, no stove ... the fridge can stay. I can figure out how to boil noodles in a microwave. LIFE FINDS A WAY.
3. Weary Willie Day
When: Dec. 9
It's been a rough several years for clowns, between the movie "It" and the invasion of clown pretenders roaming the streets, freaking people out a few years ago. So here's something light-hearted and positive: a day in tribute to Weary Willie, the famed sad Great Depression clown. Welp. But on the truly happy side, the character, portrayed by Emmett Kelly, brought a lot of joy and happiness to people down on their luck and needing a laugh, while also innovating the art of clowning.
And in less positive news, "It: Chapter Two" comes out next September. Fight the good, red-nosed, big-footed fight, fellas.
4. National Ding-a-Ling Day
When: Dec. 12
For the longest time, I thought this was a day dedicated to the delicious rolled chocolate snack cakes, but then I finally realized those are Ding Dongs. I would've sworn they were Ding-a-Lings; maybe this is like that weird "Shazaam"/Berenstain Bears alternate universe thing. EVERYTHING IS A LIE.
So maybe it's a day dedicated to a generic brand version of Ding Dongs? Nope, National Ding-a-Ling Day is actually a day created for you to call someone that you haven't talked to in a very long time. (Why they went with a vague name like "Ding-a-Ling Day," I do not know.) I like the sentiment ... but who calls people anymore? And if I see a number I don't recognize, I don't pick up the phone. Then you're left leaving an answer machine message – already the WORST, most uncomfortable thing society forces us to do – to someone you haven't talked to since high school. That kind of awkwardness can kill a person.
Sure, you could also leave a Facebook message instead of calling, but that's just as awkward – especially when you're looking at the "Seen Friday at 2:01 p.m." and realizing the other person has no intention of responding – and it ignores the ding-a-ling part of National Ding-a-Ling Day.
Anyways, National Ding-a-Ling Day was definitely invented by a sad lonely guy who wanted an excuse to call his middle school crush, and I would like to nominate myself for the Nobel Peace Prize for writing about Weary Willie, Ding-a-Lings and Ding Dongs without giggling once.
5. Cat Herders Day
When: Dec. 15
I like to imagine that, somewhere out there, there's an actual professional cat herder who's had December 15 circled on his calendar since the beginning of the year. The day is his Christmas, finally getting the respect and appreciation that he's been working for over three decades of corralling kittens. And then he finds out that it's actually a day dedicated to workplace organization and taking a moment of calm from the chaos of one's job, not dedicated to the art of congregating cats. Well, when Dec. 15 rolls around, I will think of you, Mr. Cat Herder. And I will cheers to you, Dwight. (His name is definitely Dwight.)
6. National Chocolate-covered Anything Day
When: Dec. 16
This is my favorite kind of bizarre national day: one where the super secret calendar Illuminati started with some idea for a special day and then just gave up midway through. You can pinpoint the moment in this national day's name when lunch was served.
Illuminati Headmaster: "National Chocolate-covered ... hmmm ..."
Lunchlady: "Sandwiches are ready downstairs!"
Illuminati Headmaster: "Oh! Um ... anything! It can be anything. Now fellas, robes off; time for food! No crusts on the PB&J?"
Lunchlady: "As always."
*Illuminati leaps in celebration at the same time, freeze-framing in midair, Huey Lewis' "Power of Love" plays*
That's exactly how it went.
7. Barbie and Barney Backlash Day
When: Dec. 16
I get why there would be backlash against Barbie, from the body image issues to its troubling history of straight-up encouraging eating disorders and its awkward attempts at inclusively. But what'd Barney ever do besides be DELIGHTFUL!? He's a purple dinosaur – which means he lost all of his family and friends centuries ago when that meteor struck the planet – who instead of moping or being mean learned how to speak and spends his time entertaining children, teaching them life lessons. Save this hate for Caillou. LEAVE BARNEY ALONE! (If the Nobel Prize committee wants to retract my award due to making a Chris Crocker reference in the year 2018, that's fair.)
8. Answer the Telephone Like Buddy the Elf Day
When: Dec. 18
Again, it's charming that you think that people still call people on phones. However, I'll let that slide because the idea of 911 phone operators answering the phone as Buddy the Elf is darkly delightful.
9. Mudd Day
When: Dec. 20
I know what you're thinking: Finally, a national day dedicated to the early 2000s grunge rock band Puddle of Mudd!
But actually, Mudd Day is in honor of Samuel Mudd, the doctor who set John Wilkes Booth's leg after the assassination of President Abraham Lincoln and who may have been a part of the conspiracy to murder the president. On one hand, he was an associate of Booth and seen with several of the other conspirators, prosecuted as such. On the other, he's never been officially tied to the plot, and he was eventually pardoned by President Andrew Johnson. He also owned slaves and thought the system was god-given.
So, uhh, odd guy to tribute! I think I'd actually rather toast to Muddle of Pudd. *puts finger to earpiece I'm wearing for some odd reason* Oh, lead singer Wes Scantlin has a history of ugly legal troubles – including some in Milwaukee? Well, let's just maybe celebrate National Sangria Day today.
10. National Whiner's Day
When: Dec. 26
Or, as it's known on social media, Wednesday.
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