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It's time to RESPECT the lima bean. (PHOTO: WikiCommons/Ton Rulkens)

The weirdest national days in the month of April

Ever feel like there's a random national celebration for every single day of the year, hashtagging its way across Twitter and giving publications excuses to list things? (*tips cap*) Well, that's because, according to the National Day Calendar website, there is often a plethora of random celebrations packed into just one 24-hour period.

Some of them make sense. National Beer Day on April 7? Cheers to that! National Take Our Daughters and Sons to Work Day on April 25? A classic. National Teach Children to Save Day on April 12? Boy, does my bank account wish this existed back when I was a youth. But some of them are just bonkers, either obviously contrived creations or merely evidence that the shady Illuminati society behind all these national days might have too much time on its hands.

Here are the 10 weirdest days you can technically celebrate in the month of April.

1. National Sorry Charlie Day

When: April 6

I use the phrase "Sorry Charlie" a lot, because I have a new puppy named Charlie who always walks directly under me when I'm trying to get around my apartment, which means I'm doomed to step on or trip over the little guy, for which I apologize and feel really bad for it – typically for about three hours or until the next time I accidentally step on or trip over him again. This is the life I've chosen; he's very lucky he's very cute.

But according to the National Day Calendar, apparently "Sorry Charlie" was a popular catchphrase outside of merely my household thanks to old StarKist commercials featuring Charlie the Tuna, who is some sort of beret-wearing New York mobster fish who's too trash to be picked for canned tuna.

And apparently that phrase was so popular it earned its own national day. The Secret National Day Illuminati Society works in mysterious ways.

Also, today is supposedly meant for people to reflect on all the times we've been rejected in our lives. Please, National Sorry Charlie Day, I already do that the other 364 days of the year.

2. National All is Ours Day

When: April 8

You can always tell when even the National Day Calendar website has no idea what a random holiday is supposed to be. Take National All is Ours Day, which the site writes, "The meaning of this day is looked at in different ways." That's a very polite way of saying, "This national day is some mundane nonsense that doesn't mean anything at all." You could apparently use this day to appreciate everything around you, or you could reflect on the beauty of nature, or you could share things because sharing is caring. Or, better yet, you could have NOT MADE A NATIONAL DAY FOR NO REASON. Here's to National Empanada Day instead.

3. National Name Yourself Day

When: April 9

Sure, but let's get one thing straight: People who give themselves nicknames are the worst.

Kobe Bryant calling himself Black Mamba? Eye roll. That weird phase when Dwyane Wade tried to call himself WoW aka "Way of Wade"? Eye roll – and not even original because of "World of Warcraft." Shaq naming himself ... um, pretty much any Shaq-related pun? OK, that's kind of fun. But Kevin Durant trying to ditch Slim Reaper, an certifiably awesome nickname, by granting himself the title of ... The Servant? Eye roll so hard I'm looking my brain folds. That should've been the first clue that Durant was going to turn into the NBA's most tedious diva.

In conclusion, save for on April 9, if you give yourself a nickname, you probably don't deserve a nickname.

4. National Eight Track Tape Day

When: April 11

Vinyl is back in fashion, and tapes and CDs still have their hipster defenders. And then there's the 8-track tape, which apparently has a supporter in this Illuminati society ... and nowhere else. I look forward to National LaserDisc Day coming up someday soon.

5. National Big Wind Day

When: April 12

Hi, I'm mentally 12 years old, so of course my mind assumes this is a day dedicated to farts. In reality, according to the National Day Calendar, National Big Wind Day is in honor of the highest natural wind gust ever recorded on the planet, a 231-mile-per-hour burst recorded in 1934 at the Mount Washington Observatory in New Hampshire. There's no description of the reason or the weather behind this remarkable gust, so I'm just going to assume somebody out on the northeast made a very mean bean and cabbage soup.

6. National Make Lunch Count Day

When: April 13

As one who actively and happily chooses to eat a lunch of vending machine Cheez-Its and Tropical Skittles (washed down with Tahitian Treat, natch, because I am a terrorist to my own body), I do not have much need for National Make Lunch Count Day. Though if you want to "make lunch count" and move toward eating your midday meal outside of the office, go for it. Just know that this is a corporate-made national day, created by TGI Fridays to secretly inspire people to eat at their flair-filled four-star Applebee's – and know that, in the National Day Calendar description, the company uses the phrase "FOLO" aka the Fear Of Lunching Out. I, for one, know I could not support such awful acronym-ing. Some dad in marketing at TGIF HQ definitely thought "FOLO" was genius – and he definitely disappointed his kids in the process.

7. National Look Alike Day

When: April 20

Real missed opportunity to release Jordan Peele's "Us" this weekend. Then again, it broke the record for the largest opening for a live-action original movie so maybe they have no reason to listen to a professional snarker on the internet. And maybe its opening day landed on National Scissors Safety Day too. That movie has levels (quite literally).

Anyways, really cute of this and National Lima Bean Respect Day to think people will think of 4/20 as anything other than Smoke Weed Day.

8. National Lima Bean Respect Day

When: April 20

Aw man, I already wasted all my fart jokes on National Big Wind Day!

Luckily, it's not the beans that makes this national day hilarious; it's that it's National Lima Bean Respect Day. Not just National Lima Bean Day, not just a day to appreciate lima beans and maybe think about cooking them up for a lunch or dinner dish. No, this is National Lima Bean RESPECT Day. You will RESPECT this future fart fuel. You call him MISTER lima bean. You will look this bean IN THE EYES before you chew it into oblivion. Somebody in the Secret National Day Illuminati Society will not stand this lima bean erasure.

9. National Devil Dog Day

When: April 27

When I first clicked on National Devil Dog Day, I assumed it would be dedicated to the Marines (it is a common nickname after all) or to some sort of really spicy sausage dish that's a specialty in southern Nevada or maybe to misbehaving puppies. Or hell, maybe even Cujo, the most devilish of all the dogs.

But lo and behold, I discover that a Devil Dog is actually a delicious snack treat featuring creme in between two slices of devil's food cake ... which isn't that basically a whoopie pie? Not that I'm complaining about having an excuse to eat cake, but isn't the only difference here that Drake's Devil Dogs are long while whoopie pies are round? And while we're at it, what's a Moon Pie or a Scooter Pie? I'm so confused. Y'all need to have some constitutional convention about this nonsense and figure out what defines these pocket cakes and why I've gotta learn 22 different names for them all.

Also: WHY ISN'T THERE A NATIONAL CUJO DAY? That poor dog did not get rabies from a bat just to be forgotten. Justice for Cujo.

10. National PrepareAthon! Day

When: April 30

PrepareAthon! sounds like some middle school fundraising program or Scholastic Book Club thing – but actually it's the government doing its best impression of friggin' doomsday preppers.

Created in 2014 by President Obama, National PrepareAthon! Day is dedicated to reminding people to get ready for national disasters and crises – hurricanes, tornadoes, floods, wildfires, probably meteor strikes and Days After Tomorrows too. OK, so I guess that all makes sense, actually; I'd rather people are prepared and take these events seriously than the opposite. And I guess the name, even with the excessive cheeriness, works too. It's certainly better than National We're All Going To Die Horribly Because Nature Is Out To Kill Us ... Day.

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