A new dispatch from the front lines of the Bud Light/Miller Lite corn syrup war
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My dearest Agatha,
I hope my correspondence finds you well. Three fortnights have passed since The Great Corn Syrup War started all those moons ago – far too long since I've seen your visage. I am uncertain if I can persist any longer. What seemed like it would be a quick battle twoscore ago, retaliating to Bud Light's mockery on that most Superlative of Sundays with the posting of an informative bulletin in the famed tabloid from New York, is a war that has ceased to wane. There were more bulletins, local taverns rebuffing the rival libation – we even turned to remarkable demonry in the form of a glowing Coors Light tap. And yet the fighting remains.
Out latest attack unveiled on bloody battlefields of YouTube came from behind our nemeses' lines, revealing their once fearsome Bud Knight to be, instead, an indulger in the Miller Lite brew. Our cry of victory: "Their ale is suitable for fantasy land, but ours reigns supreme in reality." Tis a clever ploy undoubtedly.
Why we made the Bud Knight turned Miller devotee appear as a bespectacled string bean – who looks, may I say, like yours truly – we are unsure. One also wonders if a real world nickelodeon production such as this would divvy out alcoholic beverages on set, somewhat wounding our attack. But still a fine strategy – though one I fear our rivals foresaw, as Bud Light released a counter of their own shortly after on the fields of YouTube, featuring their haughty ruler making a mockery of our ploy.
Inspecting the aftermath, however, we believe he also makes a fine mockery of himself. The Bud Light king continues to wage battle with the dull blade of corn syrup – an increasingly ineffective plan of waging warfare that has lost the passion of the people. Seeing this feeble attempt at making a folly, I do believe we shall be triumphant.
I would laugh at all our folly – but I am so very tired. And writing in fake Civil War letter jargon is very exhausting – almost so much as finding new methods and angles for detailing these back-and-forth cannon blows.
Still we march. We may have lost the billboards viewing over the Creek of Oak, and over The Good Land the locals call "Mill-e-wah-que," but we shall not lose the war. Heaven grant there shall be an end to the Great Corn Syrup/Light Beer War soon.
Matthew B. Mueller
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