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By PackerPaul Community Blogger Author bio | report 
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Published Aug. 6, 2008 at 10:09 p.m.Category: Sports
Tags: sports, milwaukee, satire packers brewers, bucks, athletes
In sports truth is often stranger than fiction, But as in the past few days, sometimes the line is blurred. And so with the help of my personal sources, for better or worse I have begun to write and post what I feel I must (with all due respect to The Onion). Deanna Favre Approves Buccaneer Move
Deanna Favre, the long-time soulmate and wife of Packer legend Brett Favre, has approved the Tampa Bay Buccaneers as the next destination for the future hall of fame quarterback. After negotiations between Favre and Packer management reached an untenable deadlock, the two sides agreed a change of scenery was in the best interest of all parties.
“I gave Brett the okay to sign on with Tampa Bay,” said Deanna Favre from her home in Hattiesburg. “We just got back a few hours ago and the phones been ringing off the hook with questions from just about everyone who has ever met Brett.” She paused and considered her next thoughts. “He is so hurt by all of the Packers ugliness that he is outside getting a little fresh air. So right now he’s out back cutting the grass and he told me to handle things again. I know he needs his space, but that man and his riding lawnmower,” she said in an exasperated voice. “If that thing had a pair of boobies on it, I would think he was having an affair! God knows he needs to play football again.”
Ted Thompson, the Packers beleaguered general manager, admitted that he had begun discussions with the Bucs. “I cannot get into specifics,” said Thompson from Green Bay. “But we are moving forward. As Coach McCarthy said yesterday, ‘the train has sailed into the ocean’, er… ‘the ship is in the port’… well, you all know what I mean.” The white-haired wizard then paused and collected himself. “I’ll miss Brett as much as anyone,” he admitted. “He’s like the son I never had. When he hurt, I hurt. And when he cried, I cried.” He paused again “Well, maybe I never cried quite that much.”
Deanna Favre reassured the public that her husband was more than ready for a new adventure. “Brett is going to play, I guarantee you that,” she stated emphatically. “And I told him Tampa Bay was the only place for us to go. No way are we going to end up with the Jets and wear that ugly green color again. I love the pewter and orange colors of the Buccaneers. I have a cute little pair of pumps and earrings that will look just darling with Brett’s new jersey. Eww! I can’t wait to wear them in Mr. Glazer’s owner’s box on opening day!”
Brett Favre and his agent, “Bus” Cook, were unavailable for comment as of deadline. But Deanna had one final word on the subject of the potential complicated contractual negotiations with his new suitor. “Listen here buddy,” she said with a growl. “Brett and Bus are probably at the ‘Broke Spoke’ tipping back a cold one as we speak. But don’t you worry nothin’ about nothin’. Brett may have the Wranglers contract, but I sure as hotcakes wear the pants in this family. If I say it’ll get done, it’ll get done! And you can take that to the bank.”
Favre fans and fashion mavens all over the world can only hope.
Source Reveals Secrets of Favre-McCarthy Meeting Packer head coach Mike McCarthy and embattled quarterback Brett Favre finally met face to face into the wee hours of the night Monday evening. The two were expected to forge out an agreement as to his current status of the longtime NFL superstar and end the six-week long media frenzy. When an 8 o’clock deadline passed, a Packer official sent the dogged media home after a brief announcement.
“Their still talking,” reported Packer public relation director Jeff Blumb. “And it might be awhile yet, so I recommend you all go home and get some sleep.” When pressed for more specific information, the portly Blumb suddenly turned testy. “What part of ‘talking’ don’t you understand?” he growled. “When I know more I’ll tell you, alright? Christ, you guys are like a bunch of sharks!” After collecting himself at the green and gold podium, Blumb exhaled deeply. “Sorry, guys,” he continued, “it’s been more than a little stressful on all of us. Maybe in the morning.”
An unnamed offensive line coach, who preferred to remain anonymous and go by the pseudonym “J.C.”, gave his take on the meeting. “I’m not supposed to say anything, but it was quite a site seeing the two of them together. They were backslapping and carrying on and having a good ‘ol time. You would have thought the two of them were frat buddies from way back.” When asked what had been decided as to the current re-instatement predicament, “J.C.” just shook his head. “Nothing that I know of,” he stated. “As far as I could tell, the two of them were having one hell of a time playing ‘beer-pong’ in the break room. McCarthy has been the champion all summer long, but it looked as if Favre one-upped him this time. He had on the champion’s belt that Mike brings out every Sunday after a game. In fact, I saw Brett lay a big, wet kiss on Mike’s cheek and I swear I heard him say ‘Rubicon – Schmoobicon’. That busted both of them up, I’m tellin’ ya!”
Prior to the meeting there had been much speculation that the much-ballyhooed meeting would result in a final solution to the turmoil within Packer nation. But as of late Monday night, a complete resolution seemed more than a ways off for Favre and Packer management. In fact, the source intimated that even more problems were bound to arise after the late-night gathering.
“Aaron Rodgers is gonna be really pissed that Favre has the champion’s belt,” said “J.C.”. “McCarthy has kicked Rodgers’ ass in beer-pong so many times that I think Aaron has developed a little complex. Rodgers has even taken to practicing on his own and he still can’t beat Mike. And now Brett just waltzes in takes over again like he does every year. Just when you think you’ve seen it all!” he said with a shake of his head.
General manager Ted Thompson and team President Mark Murphy refused comment on the rumored events held deep within the bowels of Packer headquarters. And the restless public will have to wait another day for what one cynical reporter has dubbed “The Crying Game – Part Two”. “Fat-ass” Comment Too Much for Fielder Prince Fielder, the gargantuan first baseman for the Milwaukee Brewers, can take an impact from the largest of men and not budge an inch. And yet, it appears his skin is razor-thin when it comes to more personal matters. When Fielder’s armor was pierced during Monday night’s game, it resulted in unexpected violence between Fielder and Brewer pitcher, Manny Parra.
“Manny Parra told Prince to get his ‘fat-ass’ out of the way of the water cooler and Prince went nuts,” reported an unnamed source from the Brewer clubhouse. “Prince has a habit of guarding the cooler like he’s a water buffalo or something. Parra was pissed with the way he had pitched and when Prince blocked the way to the water, Parra just snapped. He turned all red-faced and made a comment about Prince’s backside and then all hell broke loose.”
“I just wanted a freakin’ drink,” admitted Parra. “I just got my butt kicked on the field and I was thirsty as hell. I probably shouldn’t have said anything to Prince because we all know he’s sensitive about his big…umm…size. But…I just wanted a drink and I told him so.”
“Prince is still all ticked off about his contract and he likes all the free stuff that he can get,” said the same source. “Between the water, Gatorade and the free sunflower seeds, Prince hoards as much as he can. His whole locker is crammed full of free stuff from bobble-heads to baseball cards. He probably goes through about a pound of seeds a game and some of the guys are getting tired that he eats way more than his share. It has become a serious problem.”
Manager Ned Yost was coy in his post-game comments. “It will be handled internally,” he stated. “Prince will eventually apologize and we have a consultant coming in to teach him how to share. And Manny will undergo ‘sensitivity training’ so he can continue to mature and develop as a human being. I’m as concerned about the guys growing up emotionally just as much as I am about winning the pennant. Someday I hope we can do both. That will be a beautiful day,” he said with a dreamy smile.
Fielder did not respond to repeated inquiries. Team officials also refused further comment on the matter but Cincinnati clubhouse workers were seen installing an additional water cooler in the dugout for tonight’s game. Yost is reported to be contemplating a pre-game team meeting where he will lead the players in a cleansing rendition of “Kumbaya”.
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