I don't know exactly when or under what circumstances I met her, but my life has been forever changed. Gone are the carefree days of answering my phone with excitement. What's replaced is a mountain of fear the size of Texas, everytime the phone rings.

She's the kind of person who level jumps on your friendship. Thinking that you two are good friends instead of casual acquaintances. I'm foolishly optimistic everytime the phone rings. Perhaps it's that guy that I met last night, or maybe it's my ex asking to get back together. Heck, I would even take a telemarketer at this point. Alas it's none of those people, only her.

I don't answer and she leaves a message (she always leaves a message). "Hey you, just seeing what you're doing. I had a horrible day, and just felt like grabbing a drink. Call me back". Of course I don't call back, and subject myself to another ridiculous phone call 30 minutes later. Out of sheer insanity, I answer. "Hey, you wanna go to the Nomad"? I just feel like getting out of my apartment for awhile". Now, of course I would like to go to the Nomad, I would love to, but not if it means being stuck sitting there with her, slowing dying from overwhelming contempt, disgust, and mild hatred. 

Out of sheer stupidity I say yes.

She drains every bit of energy that I have. Not only is she a pest, but she is so self involved. She talks about guys that she's dated (and there have been plenty) and what their sex life was like (with each and every one of them), but worse of all she expects me to know who these people are (I've never met any of them, and I'm not so sure they even exist).

She is completely oblivious to the fact that most people can't stand to be around her. One of her "friends" (I put friends in quotes, because the girl is much like I am, an unwilling acquaintance)  said that the pest broke her ankle in two places just to get attention. If you knew the pest, you would understand why we weren't so quick to dismiss that theory.

She talks way too loud, she sings in your ear (off key), she's gross (she can burp her name, and she does it...often). She has questionable hygiene, she wears shirts and pants two sizes too small, and she's convinced she's a 10 (she's not, trust me). I know what you're thinking...just don't hang out with this girl anymore if she bugs you that much. Believe me I've tried, I really really have, but she knows where I hang out, live, dine etc. Her presence in my life I assure you is unavoidable.

So we're sitting at the bar having our drinks, and she invites me to her place tomorrow for a bbq! Now.. I have no trouble hiding my emotions when we're on the phone, but hiding my horror in person takes a little more skill. My eyes grow wide, my mouth opens and my hands are sweaty. The thought of the two of us alone in her tiny aparment watching "Lost" season 1 on DVD, while she tends to the bbq on her small balcony was too much to bear. I would be trapped my friends.

I quickly think of an excuse (my mom and I are going shopping or something), and the situation is diffused.. at least until the next one. Three beers and a worldwind of misery later, I decide to end our time at the Nomad. She quickly jumps up and says "k hun, I'll call you later". She then pulls me into a bear hug (she's a bigger girl, I'm all of 115lbs), and my face is smashed into her chest. A horrific end to a horrific day.

I leave the bar and walk the two blocks back to my apartment, trying to shake the memory that is her. An hour later, it happens. The phone rings, and I cringe. You guessed it, it's her. I answer out of sheer drunkeness. "Hey whatcha doing this weekend...oh you already have plans...well I've got nothing going on, is it ok if I tag along"...... Sigh!