Saturday July 12th, 2008 - Chicago, IL

More needles today. Big needles. Sharp needles. Big sharp PAINFUL needles. A whole bunch of them. Right in my mouth…along with that infamous line ‘This may be just a bit uncomfortable.’ Uh huh. A bit uncomfortable. And Hitler was just a bit cranky. Exactly.

Dental pain has a classification all to itself. I’ve had all kinds of it in my life but today’s dose was as bad as I’ve ever felt it. There was drilling and grinding and scraping and it all was being paid for by me which even made it worse. I had the same guy that did the work last week but he wasn’t in as good a mood or something and today‘s session was harder.

Maybe because it was a back tooth or whatever the reason but this was just pure torture the whole time. He put a rubber chunk in my jaw to prop my mouth open and I felt like it was going to rip my lower jaw right out by the roots. He didn’t ask me if it was painful or not and just started grinding away. I was powerless as I just laid there and had to take it.

This is going to be a huge financial burden and I totally didn’t expect it. How to pay for it will come later. For now my mouth still hurts and I couldn’t eat anything all day. I tried to hit the Chinese buffet on the way home but my mouth was still frozen and I had a very hard time chewing anything. It was a funny situation for a movie scene but that’s about it.

Nothing has been very funny to me lately and usually I can find the humor in just about every situation. I’m just sick of everything and it seems like every direction I turn has one more booby trap I have to try and disarm. I’m not having very good luck with any of them and there are all kinds of explosions going off in every direction. This is a rough stretch.

A little encouragement would really be nice right now. My self esteem is in the toilet. If there was ever a time I needed a boost it’s now. I don’t feel any love from God and all the way down from there. I really could use a hug from someone or just a sign that says I will figure this out and have some good things happen at some point. It sure looks bleak now.

I did get a very nice email from a guy named Willie. He said he just stumbled upon this diary and has been following it. He called me ‘resilient and resourceful’ and that made me feel great to read those words from a total stranger. I sure do appreciate it. Thanks Willie!

Hopefully I can touch a lot of Willies in the world with this daily rambling. That’s a big reason of why I do it. I hope to inspire someone else to chase a dream somewhere. I didn’t come from the greatest circumstances and it really is a miracle that I made it this far but it sure isn’t getting any easier lately and I am having all kinds of things explode in my face.

Part of me wants to just lay down and die tonight. If I could turn my life over to anyone who is dying of cancer and has a family that loves them and wants to spend some time I’d gladly do it right now and just hop out of this world and hope the next one is a lot more to my liking. I wish life was like an Etch-A-Sketch and I could turn mine over and shake the past out and start over again. But I can’t. My mouth hurts but my soul hurts a LOT more.