Monday December 25th, 2006 - Chicago, IL Yet another Christmas. I couldnt be happier that its over but this one wasnt bad at all. I received quite a few calls and emails from some really nice people and it felt good to be thought of by someone. This has been such a huge energy sucker throughout my life that I just wish that there could be a way to avoid it for those that dont want to be reminded of a load of unpleasant memories year after year after year. Im totally for people having fun and enjoying the season and I am not at all trying to take that away from anybody else but for me Id rather not have to deal with it. Its like having to watch a sports highlight over and over again where my team loses a heartbreaker in the last second. I love to watch the replay of the Ice Bowl game in Green Bay but Im sure Cowboy fans hate it. They shut off the TV every time it comes on and I dont blame them. Who needs to relive that AGAIN? I know Im not the only one who doesnt enjoy Christmas. Many people get drunk to try and forget about it and suicides are most common at this time of year. Ive been there and I know how low it can get and having to see one more McDonalds bag with a holly berry on it could be the last straw that sends someone over the edge. Its a very cruel torture. I really thought hard today and want to know what is Christmas? Why is it such a huge stumbling block to so many people? Most people love it and look forward to it and thats how I think it should be but for those of us who cant stand it there is NO way to escape. Its a reminder of what didnt go right earlier in life. We all have things that didnt turn out how we wanted them to but when a childhood goes bad those memories stay inside us and fester forever. Those are the ones that cut the deepest and when theyre not fun it can really rock ones world on a lonely Christmas sitting all alone in some cheap hotel room. It would be nice if we could all start over and do it again and change that inner tape we keep replaying over and over again. I wish it was as easy as just erasing it but it isnt. The memories that come floating back at the wrong time can be overwhelming and Ive spent a lifetime trying to make good ones that will at least make the bad ones take a back seat. I still would love nothing more than to be a dad myself and have my own family and get to do all the things that I missed out on as a kid. Wed just have FUN and Id tell them all that I loved them for who they are and they didnt have to do anything but be themselves. There would be no strings attached and there would be good memories for them to share after I was dead. If I heard either one of my parents died I wouldnt have any good ones to think back on and thats what is so sad about this whole thing. They werent there for us. So to answer the question, what IS Christmas? To me its a spirit of giving and being an uplifting source of unconditional positive energy and dare I say it? Love. I dont have any time in my life when I have felt love, other than being around small children. That love IS what Christmas is all about and if I can tap into it Ill be able to have Christmas every day and not worry about one day of the year getting me down. I had a nice dinner today and it wasnt as torturous as past ones have been but Im still glad yet another Christmas is over.