NOTE: Names have been changed to protect the innocent

Last night, I had a disturbing IM conversation with a very good friend. I’ve known Jason, who is black, for well over 7 years and although we don’t talk to each other often, when we do, it’s as if no time has passed. Our conversations started out with the routine “how are you”, “fine”, “how’s work” updates that people have when they haven’t spoken for a while.

We then started talking about our relationships and that’s when he asked a question that really surprised and disturbed me:

“OK, is it bad or does it make me a racist that I suddenly have a problem that my ex is dating a white man? I swear I never had a problem with this before, live and live. To be honest man, I’m seriously and suddenly offended.” 

After a few seconds, I responded, “OK, let me think about that one.”  A few minutes passed and I typed: “Well, It depends on why you suddenly have a problem with it. Why does it suddenly offend you? Why was it that you really didn't care about this before? Your answer to those questions may help you identify if it's racist feeling, which would be bad, or just something that is a natural reaction to someone you cared about (along time ago) finally getting their life together. Maybe your feeling:  "how come with him?" or "how come she couldn't do that with me?"  I'm not trying to get all Dr. Phil on you but, you really need to do some soul searching and figure out what's really happening.”

A few minutes later his response: “LOL! I feel ya DOC! I'm pretty positive that it has little to do with her getting herself together, she was gonna do that eventually. She relies heavily on a man to take care of things that she's not comfortable doing. She plays a more passive role when it comes to taking care of responsibilities and I believe she chose him because he’s a doormat and she can tell him what to do. She says they argue over her cooking, how she cleans and stupid stuff in general. Little James sees that (my friend’s son) and I don’t like that.”

He then went on about how they have nothing in common, how her parents don’t like the guy and the fact that the guy doesn’t like her cooking (“he won’t touch her black eyed peas and they’re the bomb!”). He said he thought it was a “relationship of convenience” and he also mentioned that his ex thinks most of Milwaukee’s eligible black men are either gay, thugs or already taken. So the main reason she’s chosen to date outside her own race is because there are slim pickings’ in the African American men in Milltown! That seems logical to me. Besides, my daddy always used to say: “if you ain’t hurting any one, it’s legal and you won’t get arrested, by all means, have fun!” Anyway…

He then added, “Man, I am so sick of seeing all these beautiful black women, I mean FINE, with these lanky, HORRIBLE PINK MEN! I don’t want to fight them or nothing but damn, it really pisses me off!!”

Now I’m not sure if he expected me to respond with “I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN!” but I didn’t. I just stared at those words.

Did he really just type that?!?!?! “HORRIBLE PINK MEN.”

 Man, racism definitely alive & well, and it definitely crosses color lines. I ended the IM session; I told him that I had to go but I’d definitely respond when I had a chance. A few hours later, I emailed him this:

Based on your definite racist comments (HORRIBLE PINK MEN?!?!? was that necessary?!!?), three things you can do:

1) Don't be down with O.P.P (other people's problems). YES, your son is involved but see #3 to rectify that.

2) Being miserable is the American way. If they want to be miserable together, let them. You get what you pay for and it doesn't sound like they spend much on their emotional well being.

3) If what you say is true about the constant arguing, then I would agree that this sends a very bad message to James. He’s what 10 now? That’s definitely old enough to "get it" and you need to determine if his mom is exposing him to unnecessary foolishness. If she is, you might want to re-evaluate\challenge the custody arrangement.

He responded the following day:

“Thanks for the advice… I can always count on you to tell me what I need to hear, even when I don’t want to hear it. Mama said basically the same thing. Anyway, I’m not sure how I’m going to work this out but I’ll keep in touch.”

So why did I share an entire IM conversation with you? Mainly to call attention to an obvious, yet frequently ignored fact that’s conveniently swept under the rug in the black community: sometimes, black folks can be just as racist as white folks. Mike McGee Jr. has occasionally shown his true colors when talking about gay people, white people, etc., yet there are plenty of black people who honestly think it’s impossible for a black person to be racist. I guess the ultimate issue isn’t whether it’s right or wrong to call a person a derogatory name, nor is it failing to see one's own shortcomings. I think the real issue is why haven’t we learned that doing either doesn’t advance racial harmony for anyone? I hate most clichés but "denial ain't just a river."

If\when my friend decides to write me back, I’m going to ask him to meet for coffee so I can let him know exactly how I feel about his “HORRIBLE PINK MEN” comment. Blaming Caucasian males for his own issues with his ex moving on is simply a skewed sense of reality\priorities and an inability to face the facts: whether she's happy or not, she’s with someone else and if you don't want your son involved, do something!

A small part of me is hoping that he at least acknowledges his comment was wrong but even if he does, I’ll never look at our friendship the same again and that’s what really bothers me.